"Whenever I'm sad, I drown my sorrows in panties and ice cream."
-A girl riding the shuttle to Tenleytown Sunday night on her addiction to comfort food and Victoria's Secret sales.
Grinning like a yak in heat, an AU student riding the shuttle last week told his companion "Well you know, when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me." The recipient was not amused, choosing to ignoring the comment altogether. Why is it everyone thinks they're clever when they say that? Do these people seriously think no one has ever heard that joke before? Do they expect someone to chirp "Ho-ho! That's a good one, ol' chap!" and slap them jovially on the back? Don't they know what happens when they assume?!
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"I'm like heroin: strangely addicting with all the negative side effects," said one Leonard desk receptionist. What a moron. Who says, "addicting," first of all? It's "addictive," you rube. Secondly, the Eagle staff doesn't find an addiction to heroin strange at all. It's HEROIN, for goodness sake. That's the point. That's why people do it. That's why people hate it. You idiot. Thirdly, what is that supposed to mean, anyway? You're right. You are a negative side effect. You are a scar upon this planet. I hope you choke.
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Boy, know what's great? Kool-Aid. And know what else is great? Splenda. Fake sugar rules. When people get lonely and homesick, they clearly really crave fake sugar, just like mama used to mix in her good ol' kumquat tea. And Kool-Aid? When is that not good? It's no wonder one Eagle staffer witnessed a woman shipping a box of Splenda and 6 boxes of Kool-Aid to her kid in Milan, Italy. A hundred bucks later, that kid was 3-4 days closer to feeling like he or she was home again in fake sugar Heaven.
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Undergraduate girls, beware: there's a graduate student Facebook stalker on the loose. A Scene staffer was barraged with AIM messages from a guy who snatched her screen name from said book of faces, and asked her: "u got more pics of u?" Apparently her single Facebook pic was not enough to satiate his European tastes. "I didn't think grad students solicited Internet pics from random girls," replied the bemused staffer. "Italians, yes," explained the saucy grad student. Scusi? Apparently, this same young man has been unsuccessful in three almost identical solicitations of three additional undergrad girls.
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The same professor who last week serenaded a Scene staffer with his rendition of the Foo Fighters' classic "Everlong" showed his class a PowerPoint presentation of him engaging in fun weekend activities. "This is the important stuff," he proclaimed. "Me getting drunk on my boat." Cue the slideshow, and the pictures were there to prove it.
-Compiled by the Scene staff
Out of Context appears every Thursday.
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