AU to Change Name!!!
In an effort to put a more public face on the University's commitment to diversity, AU plans to change its official name to Everyone University.
"We thought about 'Everybody University,' but then we'd be assuming that all students have bodies," said a spokesman for the Office of the Dean of Students. "There's sophomore Stan Stanley - he's just a head in a jar."
"'American' is a little too nationalistic, a little too ethnocentric," said Army Addleston, president of Students for Diversity in the Home, School, Workplace and Outerspace. "We welcome people from all countries, including Europe and Indonesia."
AU Admissions also plans on opening its doors to mammals, not just humans. When asked if it will enroll or employ any reptiles, a spokesperson said, "We already do, President Badner."
Diploma to be Resized Once Again!!
In an effort to save money, the University plans to downgrade its diploma size once more. Instead of an 8.5-by-11 sheet of paper, the diploma will be made out of foam, compressed into a small pill and coated with plastic. Upon graduation, students will receive the pill. To activate and enlarge the diploma graduates must submerge it in water when they get home.
"It's really a fun idea," said Wind Tall Hansen, vice president for Campus Life. "Students and their families can return home after graduation, put the diploma in the bathtub and watch it unfurl like a blooming rose. Also, they will be offered in a variety of colors, like red. And blue."
Most students are properly pissed.
"I didn't pay $120,000 to accidentally swallow my diploma," said senior Travis Bickle, an admitted caffeine pill addict.
Administrators are not worried about pill-popping and said the money saved from the switch (about $3 million a year, according to a trustee) outweighs any resulting deaths.
When asked what the money will be put toward, Provost Stand Kermit said, "Building a plastic dome over the campus to keep out squirrels."
Stewart to be Adjunct Prof.
Martha Stewart, the recently convicted felon and baroness of all things good, has been hired as an adjunct faculty member through the 2006-2007 academic year. Stewart will help develop the University's fledgling School of Good Housekeeping, which will be located in a series of tents and RVs on the intramural sports field.
"I am flushed with excitement," said Stewart, in a statement released through her lawyer. "I've always wanted to teach, but was worried that my criminal record and deserved reputation as a liar and thief would hinder my job search. Now a dream has come true."
For some professors, the hiring is the beginning of a nightmare.
"Well, to start off, she's going to prison," said Bubbles McPhee, a professor of literature. "I think that might be a problem."
"What if she steals my lunch from the faculty refrigerator?" said Scud Pants-Pellington, a broadcast journalism professor. "My fluffer-nutter is my own business."
AU administrators were not concerned though, and said the University is commited to hiring all people, regardless of a criminal record. "It doesn't matter whether you're a bank robber or a good ol' fashioned spy," said Duck Dodgers, a member of the hiring committee. "But faculty who have committed crimes must always be handcuffed when on campus."
Lots of crap next step in 15-Point Plan
Everyone knows that point No. 14 in President Len Badner's 15-Point Plan is "to utterly ruin the atmosphere and appeal of the Tavern," but what we don't know is what comes next in transforming the once halfway atmospheric hangout into an unbearable aesthetic mess.
"The next step is very exciting and will, I think, push us toward our goal of destroying any sort of class or comfort in the Tavern," said Tavern Director Frenchie Griese. "It involves adding more harsh colors, more abrasive fluorescent lights, uglier furniture and several thousand pounds of manure"
