I often stare at the ceiling fan in my room. Each wooden plank revolves around the center light, and although dust collects rather frequently on it, I enjoy watching the simplicity of each rotation. This fan reminds me of my life: how it often gets crazy and then slows to such immaculate cycles. Right now, like my fan, I am a little unpredictable. I am planning on graduating in December, and it seems as though things have piled above my head. I might not be able to find my way out.
My friends seem to be in the same predicaments. As the end draws nearer, they are consumed with the same fears and doubts, wondering if the major they chose will make them happy. Did they just "waste" their money and time to receive a diploma in a field that they might not work in or enjoy?
Writing a r?sum? is consuming enough. I have been trying to figure out ways to document my positive professional attributes onto one sheet of paper, while making sure to emphasize the "authentic" things about me. My entire adolescence flashes back from my first job at the restaurant to the work I've done at professional firms. Lately, it seems as though everything has become a blur.
Throughout my life people have called me many things. They have called me a scholar, a musician, an athlete and a writer, yet I am not purely one of these. I am somehow them all, and although I have been trying to emphasize this within my job applications, it is difficult and frustrating. How are you supposed to present yourself to others as a creative individual while remaining objective and professional?
As I sit and write this, there are no less than five individuals pouring over my credentials to see if I would be a perfect fit for their companies. Yet how is one to know if I would fit correctly after only meeting me for half an hour? How can this tumultuous process reflect who I am: my aspirations, style and taste?
There is a part of me that wants to be a starving writer. I want to act, theorize, sculpt and teach. I feel as though graduating is trying to place me into a single role, hopefully combining all of the things that I strove for into one occupation. If I must conform to a job that does not encompass my creative passions, the person I have worked so hard to be may become obsolete. I am not sure I am ready for that.
The idea of graduating has turned me into an edgy woman. My graduation date has been set in stone. In only a matter of months I will be in the real world of bills, taxes and business suits. Making decisions has never been harder. Now I am not only looking out for my grades, but looking ahead towards who I can become.
Officially, I have eight months and a couple of days left before the time comes (not that I am counting). The days have turned into clocks, and as each minute ticks past me I cannot ignore my internal questioning. All that remains then is me, finally confronted with the future.
