There’s a topic that we have been avoiding because, quite frankly, we don’t understand it at all — which is why we recruited a guest columnist, Beaver McRugmuncher, for help. That is the phenomena of lesbians.
During a recent party, we had lesbian sex described to us. It’s like a Jell-O shot: first, you get your finger in to loosen it up, then place your mouth around it to get at the goods.
But lesbians are more than just Jell-O shots at parties. We have all heard about the myths surrounding lesbians, so we are here to separate fact from fiction. One such myth surrounding lesbians is the common assumption of their relationships.
First date: discuss marriage — where, when, how? Second date: children’s names, raise gender-neutral or not? By the third date, they may as well be on their third anniversary. The next step is when one gets a U-Haul to bring all of their processions over to live with the other, generally around the fifth date.
But to be serious for once, on a small campus like AU, stereotyping is abundant — from the halls of Anderson to the classrooms in Ward. But, while the stereotypes may be funny, they are rarely 100 percent true.
In our last article for the semester, we will impart our wisdom of what we have learned. Rule number one: don’t piss off a lesbian. They are naturally born with the ability to kick your ass.
So what do you do when you actually encounter a lesbian? Many try and divulge the deep mystery that is lesbian sex. However, this is often met with much difficulty. Lesbians, being quite secretive, rarely give out the methods they use for sex, but we have done the research for you and found out some interesting facts.
Everyone inevitably thinks of scissoring when they think of lesbians. However, from what we have heard, lesbians do not actually do this. Number one reason: they don’t want their lover’s feet in their faces. This is assuming that the lesbians we are speaking to do not share in the world’s most popular fetish, the foot and shoe fetish.
One of the hardest choices for a lesbian to make is which kind of protection to use. While dental dams seem like an obvious choice, they present serious impediments — namely a bad taste and choking hazard.
For people who want to be safe while having good sex, contact the Wellness Center, the Student Health Center, Women’s Initiative or the GLBTA Resource Center. They can help you find your way to sexual health, but we are students who are assuming our audience is educated enough to make a good choice regarding their bodies. As another resource, The Eagle does have a health column where you can send questions!
The one thing that the AU Threesome wishes to impart on its readers is to maintain an aspect of individualism. Don’t make sexual choices because they are pushed on you or because your friends are doing it. You don’t have to fit yourself into a category chosen by others. No matter your shape, size, gender, race, ethnicity or orientation, sex is better when you do it for yourself. You’re in college, and breaking rules is what our age group is best at.
So instead of going with the same old stereotypes, step out of your comfort zone, learn what turns you on and talk with your partners. Whether this is your first semester or your last at AU, you all have a chance to be better sexual beings. Don’t blow it (or do).
You can reach these columnists at authreesome@theeagleonline.com.
*EDITORS NOTE: In an attempt to prevent misinterpretation, we would like to acknowledge our sex columnists are of varying sexual orientations and genders.
