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The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
On June 19, Washington residents voted in the city’s primary elections for several municipal positions, ranging from the mayoral election and city council memberships to the election of the attorney general. Voters also decided on the implementation of Initiative 77, which eliminates the “tipped minimum wage” in the district. Currently at $3.89 per hour plus tips, the initiative would catalyze a plan to raise the minimum wage for all tipped positions to $15 per hour by 2025.
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
This was the summer of the #PermitPattys. White women spent their summer time calling the cops on African-Americans having lunch or running a lemonade stand – not breaking the law. At Yale University and Smith College, white people called the police on students for doing … absolutely nothing. For just existing in a space that they consider as white. For looking, in the words of a Smith employee, “out of place.” Or maybe the reason is better put by Oumou Kanoute, the student the Smith employee called the police on: “All I did was be black.”
Freedom. That is the pillar holding up America: the promise of the right to speak up, the right to express yourself and the right to uphold the truth. Freedom cannot exist without the media, and consequently, neither can democracy. A free press is what separates a democracy from tyranny, so in a time when the person who is meant to ensure that every American’s freedoms are not threatened says that journalists are “the enemy of the people,” we need to look at each other and ask, “how have we allowed our freedom to be taken away? Why are we allowing it?”
On July 18, AU’s campus went on a three hour lockdown. This lockdown was due to a potential armed intruder, spotted on New Mexico Avenue. AU police were joined by not just the Metropolitan Police Department, but by Secret Service agents. After these three departments finished a search, the lockdown ended. All, apparently, was well at AU.
As a senior in high school, the announcement that Sylvia Burwell would be the president of American University during my time at AU was incredibly exciting. A former Cabinet member during the Obama administration's second term, Burwell seemed to be the strong woman leader I aspire to be.
For many students, spring break is a week of relaxation, vacations to tropical sites or spending time with family. We all look forward to the post-midterms, mid-semester break.
American University has a bit of a trespassing problem. Three times in the last 12 months alone, outsiders have strolled onto campus at odd hours of the night and have committed either a hateful or bias-related act.
It isn’t just the arrival of Valentine’s Day that has couples around campus holding hands and stealing kisses between classes. You see public displays of affection year-round but gestures like make out sessions on the quad and sensual shoulder rubs on the couches in the Davenport continue to surprise me. Out of all the ways that I anticipated culture shock as an international student, public displays of affection (PDA) was not one that I thought I would struggle with.
We were sitting in the back of the Bridge Cafe when he asked, "If my son were applying to colleges right now, would you recommend them applying to American University?" Listening and pondering the question, I leaned back to relax, bracing myself on the left arm of the couch. I paused. As I opened my mouth to respond, I could feel the words being snatched out of my mouth, leaving me with not much to say, but everything to think about.
I recently spoke with Serena Nangia, founder of AU’s chapter of the body positivity group REbeL. She articulated something I never consciously realized before.
In the past year, we have seen hurricanes and earthquakes take the lives of people from all over the world. What significant change in policy has the U.S. made regarding these ever increasing concerns? The answer: pulling out of the Paris Climate Agreement, defunding federal programs for climate regulations and claiming science is fake.
Something immediately visible in this year’s Senate elections was the use of certain buzzwords that constantly permeate our campus culture, including diversity, unity and inclusivity. Almost all the campaign messages I came across featured phrases resembling either “creating change in communities” or “improving campus climate.” Slogans and campaign manifestos constantly stressed the importance of advocating for people of color, minorities and first generation students.
Every day, hundreds of American University students gather around their nearest shuttle stop with glossy eyes staring at their phones, friends huddled together, waiting for the AU shuttle to take them to Tenleytown. For many, it is the safest and quickest way to get around the area. But this semester, the shuttles have been making fleeting appearances, leaving students confused.
The clocks have turned back and the afternoon sunlight is dimming earlier and earlier every day. Winter is fast approaching, even if the abnormally warm weather still has me questioning if I’ll need a coat when I leave in the morning. This time of year comes with delights such as Pumpkin Spice Lattes, holiday celebrations, cozy sweaters and warming comfort foods. For many of us, however, it also brings about a type of yearly depression known as Seasonal Affective Disorder.
First things first: Climate change is real! It has always astonished me how many people still believe climate change is a hoax fabricated by the government in an attempt to raise taxes and expand their power. As if the government created hurricanes -- which destroyed property, hurt the economies of the areas affected, and took lives -- all for the sole purpose of tricking people into thinking that the environment is in danger and needs to be taken care of.
I am a premedical student at American University.
It only took several seconds and a single question from a seedy-looking political science major in a ponytail to expose the central deficiency of Jeff Chang’s “We Gon’ Be Alright,” the book that served as required reading for AU freshmen enrolled in college writing courses this fall. At an event with Chang in September, the student asked about an instance in the introduction that pertained to subprime housing foreclosures, in which Chang presented the foreclosure rates of two racial groups—African-Americans and Latinxs—in relation to that of whites as evidence of systemic racism. He asked why Chang did not include the same statistics for Asian-Americans, an ethnic group that had been mentioned in the sentence prior but not in the one with a thesis. After Chang’s flimsy answer and desperate deflection using the classic “I think the better question is…”, it was clear that the book—and Chang’s narrative—largely relied on the integrity of nitpicked evidence and colorful language.
Solutions by The State News
