The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
American University announced plans on Monday to install a 5-foot bronze spotted lanternfly memorial in the middle of the Eric A. Friedheim Quadrangle. This comes after multiple months of wacking, smacking and stomping the insects.
The Seagle reached out to the University for comment: “American University recognizes that, although we may not agree with their invasive conduct or their catastrophic environmental impact, we do believe that no creature deserves to have their exoskeletons shattered, smooshed or squashed — no matter their truly impressive ability to land directly in front of you while you're walking, like, right there,” University representative Benji Freedadingle said.
“American University continues to express our deepest sympathies for the thousands of mates and children of the deceased, and we will do our best to rectify this injustice stretching from D.C. all the way to Illinois,” continued Freedadingle.
The University is commissioning renowned bronze sculptor Eman Ekaf to take on the installation. Notable works include the famous Cristiano Ronaldo bust, revered by soccer fans worldwide, and the lesser-known “Busty Ronaldo” bust, still revered by soccer fans.
“I am so thankful to the American University for its faith in me to take on such an important project. We need to put our differences aside and see these lanternflies for what they are: God-fearing fathers, mates and community members,” Ekaf remarked on his new project.
Wives of the deceased have recently taken to the public eye in a humble mega church style forum, singing in a gorgeous harmony of a thousand widowed insects. “Our multiple mates left a legacy: going to college campuses, harassing students and leeching precious nutrients from the grounds,” sang the wives. “This is so profoundly important in this era of closed-toe shoes. We ask that you open your minds, shoes and hearts to those with different perspectives on ‘biodiversity’ and ‘ecosystem health.’”
“No mothers should have to explain to their children that their fathers were partially pureed, ground into the ground or blamelessly bludgeoned,” said one alliterative spotted lanternfly wife after The Seagle pressed for comment.
As the forum commenced, the wives left with a final harmony: “We would like to thank President Trump for his continued support. Invasive species need to stick together.”
American University’s lantern fly memorial is expected to be unveiled in the fall of 2035.
Teddi Papish is a Sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences and a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Emma Brown, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Andrew Kummeth.
