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Tuesday, May 21, 2024
The Eagle
Satire Seagle

SATIRE: Housing and Residence Life to prioritize ‘screwing you over’ in series of new policy reforms

Like Sisyphus and his boulder, HRL is committed to keeping your days long, and your suffering eternal

You work hard, play hard, and at the end (or middle) of a long day you want to nap hard too. But don’t get too comfortable, because the Office of Housing and Residence Life just released its action items for the 2024-25 school year. Among other initiatives, HRL seeks to seriously prioritize “screwing you over” in the year to come. They elaborate, “yeah I’m talking to you, punk.” So put down that $7 coffee from the Bridge and read up on how HRL is “gonna take you to pain-town, buster”:

1. Heightened vending machine security 

The number two problem at this school is theft. And the number one problem is theft from vending machines. While the newly-gated models have done wonders at reducing unlawful theft of $2.10 Pop-Tarts and packets of Snyder’s of Hanover Sourdough Nibblers™, there’s still more work to be done. Effective for the fall 2024 semester, vending machines in all residence halls will be equipped with paper shredders; anything entering or exiting the machines will be sliced into ribbons, and we’re just thrilled. Get your eviscerated fingers off my shredded Snyder’s of Hanover Sourdough Nibblers™!

2. Stricter guest policies

One of the most unpredictable threats to students in residence halls are wanted, invited and treasured guests. Despite already not letting you bring your peers into the residence halls without checking them in as guests first, we can still do better. Starting in fall 2024, all guests will be shot on site to best ensure student safety. Desk attendants will be suited with a sawed-off-shotgun so they can really wreck your whole deal. 

3. Less fire drills

HRL understands the inconvenience and frankly excessive nature of residential fire drills. That’s why, effective immediately, fire drill frequency will be reduced by 50 percent. In lieu of drills, HRL will be starting small-scale grease fires at random intervals throughout the academic year to encourage students to always be prepared. Always. 

4. Revised quiet hours

Above all, students are people, and so are academic offices. That’s why here at HRL we understand that sometimes the allotted window for quiet hours is just too restrictive on your screechy little vocal chords. So, starting in summer 2024, 11 p.m. to 4 a.m. will instead become “freaky hours.” Want to know more, freak? Well that’s too damn bad. Take your scrawny goblin tuccus to your RA’s room and figure it out.

5. Petting zoos on the quad

Yes you read that right. Petting zoos on the mother-flipping quad. From cuddly mice to adorable little cockroaches, HRL has rounded up all the critters from across the campus residence halls to make one unforgettable experience for our valued customers. Sorry, residents. Oh who are we kidding - customers. Don’t think we’re gonna let our scurrying tiny tenants go hungry, though. All customers will be able to feed the animals as well! A member of HRL will personally tear a $20 bill from your housing expenses length wise, 2 centimeters from your ear until it becomes digestible shreds. What? We used all the paper shredders in the vending machines.

Like Sisyphus and his boulder, HRL is committed to keeping your days long, and your suffering eternal. Any contributions are greatly appreciated. The alumni donation portal can be found on the Housing and Residence Life website! 

Aidan Dowell is a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences and a satire columnist and cartoonist for The Eagle. 

This piece was edited by India Siecke, Jelinda Montes and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Isabelle Kravis and Charlie Mennuti. 

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