The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
After a stark decrease in undergraduate applications from the demographic of those who overplayed Sicko Mode in 2018, American University has partnered with the School of Communication and the School of Public Affairs to create a week-long documentary following the day-to-day life of one lucky student intern to promote themselves to high schoolers who will definitely be the next Ken Burns.
The student was chosen in a Hunger Games-style reaping, held where the late President John F. Kennedy once gave his famous Commencement address calling for peace. Names of all AU Hillterns were put into a Dollar Tree Uncle Sam hat, shaken and then pulled by a not-so-memorable SPA adjunct professor. She hesitantly called out “John Hansen” and then four skinny white men celebrated. The Eagle originally thought that they were excited to be chosen for what some would call “public humiliation” but it turns out they were all equally excited for a chance to promote their internship and their recent “single” and “feminist” status on Bumble.
A second battle of the Johns then occurred to decide which John would reign victorious. After a heated Lincoln-Douglas style debate (they demanded this, they were former speech and debate kids) and one round of rock, paper, scissors, it was decided that John Hansen (John #2, as known by his singular fan), a senior in SPA, would be the subject of the documentary.
In an interview with John, he explained that he was excited to be followed by the camera crew, as he is a huge fan of “The Office” and was excited to find a new audience for his three talking points: his internship, his hometown and his love for hiking.
A week after the reaping, two freshmen pledges from the business fraternity lugged their equipment to The Capitol. They were shockingly able to pass security by flashing their homemade Men in Black passes, previously used as Halloween costumes. The security guard actually commended them for their service and asked them if they had a long commute from McLean. Upon editing, we now realize the guard thought they worked for the CIA.
The freshmen, whose names we never learned, marched into the Capitol’s visitor center to meet John and set up their documentary equipment. John came in a freshly pressed tuxedo that he demanded his mom ship overnight from his New England home. He said he had not worn the tux since his junior prom and that it still reeked of the gold 4loko he spilled on it years ago. They began to roll film and he stopped reminiscing about his junior prom date.
John brought viewers on the typical Capitol tour, and the documentarians actually captured the changing of the nameplate from ousted Speaker Kevin McCarthy to current Speaker Mike Johnson. By the end of their tour, though, they had witnessed the construction of the “Ronald Reagan Wrestling Ring,” where the recently yassified George Santos was riling up his possible opponents. John stated that Santos was able to garner the support of those who really liked the “Rush” music video by Troye Sivan as well as avid fans of RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Once the tour concluded, he guided the freshmen into the Rayburn House Office Building, but only after he made them ride the elevators to the ground floor and back to the lobby six times, hoping to see Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. He only stopped after Rep. Claudia Tenney came into the elevator, saw that every floor button had been pressed, and promptly stepped out before the doors could shut.
Through the hallways of Rayburn, the freshmen scurried quickly behind John, who wants the publication to note he is 6’2”. They learned that his office refers to him as “Long John” and “Skeletore” given his lanky stature, which John seemed to like. John was grateful for any attention he received, especially given that he was labeled “mid” on Barstool’s Tinder Tuesday.
The freshmen stood over him as he took constituent calls, which often ended with a series of slurs and profanities. By the end of the day, John began to respond to these remarks with “Who?” to which he would quickly yell, “asked” before hanging up. His supervisor, a recent Georgetown graduate, seemed to genuinely laugh at these responses and decided to take a break from shooting spitballs into John’s ear.
The documentary ended with John’s commute back to campus, where he went to his 5:30 to 8 p.m. block class in a tux. He had a change of clothes, but said those were for the gym. He proceeded to slam his badge onto the desk and looked around quickly to see if everyone saw.
After reviewing the documentary, AU officials have decided not to post this episode, and instead have sought to follow a day in the life of SIS student John O’Connell from Long Island. They felt this was more palatable.
Allie Grande is a senior in the School of International Service and a staff columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by India Siecke, Alexis Bernstein and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks and Isabelle Kravis.