From the Newsstands: This story appeared in The Eagle's December 2023 print edition. You can find the digital version here.
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
We’re almost finished with the fall 2023 semester, and for many students living on campus, this has been ample time to settle into American University’s culture, meet new people, familiarize oneself with the D.C. environment and, most importantly, navigate the newly revamped One Card
labyrinth currency system! Let’s explore some of the newest options available outside of the standard meal swipes, EagleBucks, Dining Dollars and meal exchanges.
One of the more prominent additions to the glorious One Card is the rollout of the Fun Swipe Program. Rumors are circulating that certain restaurants in the nearby area are pulling out of their partnerships with the University, but that couldn’t be less true. Instead, they’re opting for the Fun Swipe Program! Simply swipe your One Card at any designated eatery in the nearby area, and, voila, you still have to pay full price for your order! For each Fun Swipe, however, you earn one swipe token; collect five and cash them in at the campus store for a 25-cent credit at the print center in Bender Library! Isn’t that fun and comprehensive?
Moving on, we also have the profound creation of WonkCoin, an unprecedented and foundational e-currency dissimilar to BitCoin and other cryptocurrencies because it just is. In purchasing any meal plan, you’re allotted 20 WonkCoins. You can use these to attempt to barter at the campus store for awesome finds, like that calculator you need for a single class, that will subsequently become a family heirloom. You may also use them to purchase a time slot to meet the fabulous campus icon, Wonk Cat, herself! Unfortunately, she’s been presumed missing in action and potentially deceased for years now, but if she comes back, you could be the first face she sees!
Finally, my personal favorite installation is the AU AirMiles Rewards Club for Eagles Who Fly Program Club, or AUAMRCEWFPC. Lengthy in name, yes, but it couldn’t be more rewarding! Every time you use your OneCard for any transaction at all, AU graciously rewards you with one AirMile Rewards Club Program Club point; collect the maximum amount of points to be gifted a free flight out of Dulles to any airport of your choosing within a thirty-mile radius. Ever wanted to see the exotic sights of Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport? Well, good for you!
As we head into finals, be sure to stay on top of all the options being an Eagle affords you and weaponize that One Card! Happy Hunger Games, and may the coins be ever in your favor.
Ian Thornbrugh is a senior in the School of International Service and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
This article was edited by India Siecke, Alexis Bernstein and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing done by Isabelle Kravis and Luna Jinks.