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Saturday, Feb. 24, 2024
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Satire: White male student gives University heads up before filing bogus discrimination complaint

Office of Equity collectively sighs and stares at floor

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

American University students were recently made aware of an email sent to the Office of Equity and Title IX by an anonymous male student regarding gender discrimination.

In the email, he kindly asked “if everyone is ready” before formally filing a discrimination complaint stating he was “unjustly excluded” from the female and non-binary inclusive a cappella group ALTOgether.

“I beseech your understanding and response to this matter,” the student complaint read. “The plight of being a man and doing manly things does not get the proper coverage it deserves, and I’m sorry I have to be the one to tell you about it.”

“It took me almost an hour to read it through,” said Office of Equity and Title IX receptionist Francis Eng. “Who even uses the word ‘beseech’? I was in pain from laughing. I’ve been forwarding it to the other offices, and I think President Burwell has even read it.”

When asked the name of the student who filed the complaint, the Office of Equity and Title IX said it did not have the authority to share that information since the report was filed by a student from a different institution.

“This is so embarrassing. He reported us for discriminating against him because he’s a guy, but, apparently, he doesn’t even go to AU,” said Janice Nice, an ALTOgether senior member. “He’s from Michigan or something.”

The student auditioned via Zoom.

“It was just four minutes of uninterrupted screaming,” said Gabriella Hannon, one of the group’s leaders. “He was wearing a meninist shirt, too. I had to turn off my camera to roll my eyes.”

“We take these reports very seriously, this will not go uninvestigated,” said Paulina Moore through gritted teeth, a spokesperson for the Office of Equity and Title IX.

Ian Thornbrugh is a sophomore in the School of International Service and a satire columnist at The Eagle.

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