Satire: Triumphant escape: Exclusive interview with Wonk Cat

Wonk Cat talks cottage life, crochet and fine art

Satire: Triumphant escape: Exclusive interview with Wonk Cat

From the Newsstands: This story appeared in our December 2021 print edition. You can find the digital version here.

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

After a long, harrowing search effort, The Seagle has finally located the Wonk Cat. Living in a small cottage in New Hampshire, the Wonk Cat was found enjoying a tangy lemon curd mousse with a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. 

After initial greetings, she gave an exclusive interview with The Seagle regarding her mysterious disappearance. 

The Seagle: Wonk Cat —

Wonk Cat: Call me Marguerite. 

TS: Marguerite, thank you for inviting me into your home. Before we begin, I must say, the decor is exquisite. 

WC: Thank you. The mirror on your left is a vintage piece I found at an antique store on the coast of Italy. The painting in the foyer is a Vermeer — “The Concert.” It’s one of only 34 works he ever produced. Truly stunning.

TS: It is. Now Marguerite, students are very concerned about your wellbeing. Are you aware of the various campaigns advocating for your return? 

WC: No, I am not. I’ve removed myself from the petty folly of the Internet and from humanity at large. They can search for me, they can recover me, they can petition at my doorstep — but I will not return. 

TS: Why not?

WC: At American University, I was merely a spectacle. I was not the subject of my own story, but rather the object through which others developed their communal identity. 

She took a sip from her glass. 

You may ask, ‘But Marguerite, why now? Hasn’t this affliction plagued you for years? Why is it that only now you choose to leave?’ And to that I say, there are reasons. 

TS: May I inquire as to what those reasons are?

WC: (Sighs) For one, the University adopted a new meaningless slogan. While the University has historically struggled in this regard — see: “AU Forward” and “Change Can’t Wait” — the new slogan, “Challenge Accepted” is one of its worst offenses yet. It is plain, annoyingly so. It is uninspiring and overzealous at once. It is an embarrassment. I simply could not endure one more pathetic pronunciation of nothingness. 

TS: I see. Well, being that you have parted ways with the University, how are you filling your days here on the property? 

WC: As a newly-single woman, free from the badgering of students, I have time to discover the things that truly make my heart sing. I’ve dabbled in Tolstoy, taken up croquet and developed a fondness for Mediterranean cuisine. On the weekends, I can be found burnishing my collection of fine art.

TS: That sounds wonderful. 

WC: It is. I’m actually expecting a new delivery this week from my dear friend in Boston: Rembrandt’s “The Storm on the Sea of Galilee.” 

TS: Well Marguerite, that sounds exquisite. And truly, it was a pleasure speaking with you. Best of luck in your future endeavors. 

While the Wonk Cat did not explicitly express her gratitude for her fierce advocates at home, she does not wish her contempt for student life and the University at large to inhibit sales of her new memoir, “La Vie en Rouge et Bleu.” Concerned for her profit, she added reluctantly that she is safe, sound and “looking into” sustainable fashion. Her book is available beginning Dec. 30 on Amazon and in bookstores near you. 

“Until then,” she says, wearing the green House of Sunny dress and buttering a baguette, “Bon débarras!”

Nora Sullivan is a junior in the School of International Service and a satire columnist at The Eagle.

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