Satire: What your horoscope is for finals season

We all need a little hope right now

Satire: What your horoscope is for finals season

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

Well, we made it folks. The end of another semester and chances are, you’re hanging by a thread. You’ve been studying for final exams and are finishing final papers, but little did you know, no work is needed for this finals season because it’s actually already written in the stars.

Here’s a list of what will happen to each sign this finals season. 

Aries: 

You definitely are going to project all of your frustrations and stress onto your family and friends, and this will probably result in some good drama for the rest of us. You might break up with your partner because you are convinced by your low grades that you need to focus on your studies. This breakup won’t last long. You definitely don’t need to pull an all-nighter, but you probably will, just to have an excuse to be exhausted. You might rage quit, but somehow you always end up pulling A’s and B’s and annoying everyone else with the fact that you can do no work and still do amazingly.

Taurus: 

Welcome to procrastination nation. Population: you. You are going to watch a lot of Hallmark Christmas rom coms and Wes Anderson movies to escape reality and pretend that you don’t hate your life. You probably started your final essays last minute, but revised it to death, so now it just sucks. You are worried about getting less than an A, not because you care about your grades, but because you are worried your professor will feel like a failure if you don’t.

Gemini:

Just like your personality, your finals results will be split in half. You’ll probably fail some and ace the others, and there will be no in-between. You are way too optimistic about how well you are going to do, so bring your standards down a little bit. You will probably give everyone your notes to help them with studying and they will fail too. Also, you need to stop wearing your lucky socks because they are probably not doing anything. Plus, by this point, they smell.

Cancer:

You definitely cry to your professor once a week and this finals season is no exception. You probably bought a tiny plastic Christmas tree for your room to “cheer you up.” Your family is getting a little sick of your calls, and every time they hang up you go to your private Snapchat story to post a picture of you from last summer, captioning it, “school is so toxic.”

Leo:

You definitely are getting way too close to the screen during the recorded final and your professor gets annoyed, and honestly, a little weirded out. You ask everyone within a 500-foot vicinity what their final grades are, but not because you are interested, mostly because you want to brag about your own. 

Virgo:

You probably are studying just the right amount. There is literally no spice to your life, and I’m over it.

Libra:

You need to realize that you have to choose between a fun social life and good grades; you can’t have both this semester. You probably sent out a group email through Blackboard to your classmates asking to get a study group together and no one responded. Sorry about that. You won’t even read this article because you are busy pretending the coronavirus doesn’t exist and going to a movie theater.

Scorpio:

You’re definitely going to cheat, but I’m not telling anyone. You probably will make your older brother take the exam for you, but again, the secret stays here. When confronted about it, you always reply with, “It’s not cheating; it’s just utilizing the resources given to me.” You are a power-breakfast enthusiast during finals week and therefore are probably stocking up on oatmeal and spinach right now.

Sagittarius: 

You’ll be posting a lot in the AU meme group on Facebook, and they probably won’t get a lot of likes or comments because most people are just done. You are annoyingly understanding about the fact that exams are necessary and are kind of excited to take them. You try to apply all of your finals to real life. Probably a STEM major.

Capricorn:

You are taking this way too seriously, and you are one of the only people in AU’s history who has ever scheduled a private study room just for themselves. You request one-on-one study time with both the TA and the professor because you want to get “different perspectives.”

Aquarius:

You probably will get awarded half points for original thoughts and live by the belief that there is “never just one right answer.” You don’t believe in studying because you think that your imagination will guide you. You also probably believe religiously in your astrological horoscopes when we all know that these mean absolutely nothing.

Pisces:

You look up “exam tips” and think that the technique of chewing the same flavored gum during your exam that you did when you studied will work. You probably add a smiley face at the end of your final essays and a “thanks for a great class” because you feel bad for professors during these trying times. That’s so sweet of you.

Aliza Schuler is a sophomore in the School of Communications and a satire columnist at The Eagle.

aschuler@theeagleonline.com

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