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Sunday, June 23, 2024
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Satire: “Eat Good Do Good” wall in TDR falls to reveal files of unsent financial aid

The greatest scavenger hunt of all time comes to an end

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

The “Eat Good Do Good” wall, with its words splattered in the back left of TDR, fell on Oct. 24. Its fall brought a rise in confusion amongst the students choking down their raw broccoli as thousands of dollars were strewn across the floor along with the pieces of decrepit drywall.

“When I found it, I didn’t know whether to keep [the money] for myself or to give it back to the school,” said sophomore Gavin Rangel, who watched the money wall come tumbling down on that fateful day. “At this point, I’m so deeply in debt that I’m practically Sylvia Burwell’s personal servant.”

Until AU police officers bravely collected the spewed money, students at TDR were able to get some closure from the new wall’s collapse. 

“Oh, so that’s where it went,” senior Evie Willis said at the scene. “I’ve been looking for that $240,000 since I got here.”

The discovery, layered with bureaucratic disappointment, has shocked the entirety of campus.

 “I just don’t know what to believe in anymore,” junior Kathleen Perry said. “First it was the whole carbon-neutrality-in-Ohio thing, and now I found out that my Daddy’s money was hidden from me? This is unacceptable.”

Another student, Anthony Shmantano, felt quite the opposite about the wall’s fall. “They said there was a prize for whoever was able to find all the Benjamins,” he said. “I found plenty of Bens, but they all filed restraining orders after I tried bringing them to administration.” 

The financial aid money will reportedly be dumped into the many craters and canals of AU’s soon-to-be refined steam pipe on campus alongside the Confederate flag sweatshirts spotted in TDR.

Justin Poulin is a sophomore in the School of International Service, and is a satire columnist at the Eagle. 

As the semester comes to an end and one of the founding members leaves American University, Section 202 has decided to take a trip down memory lane. For our fans, old and new, who are wondering how Section 202 came to be, this episode is a must. Listen along as hosts Connor Sturniolo and Liah Argiropoulos reminisce about the beginning of Section 202 and how it got to where it is now.

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