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Sunday, June 16, 2024
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Satire: Students protest against improvements to AU dining from Chartwells

Students disappointed by lack of food poisoning with new meal provider

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

After nearly two months of attempted adjustment, students rallied in the Mary Graydon Center in response to the recent riot that sought to give a voice to the lack of vomiting on Monday. 

MGC, normally as empty as the stomachs of AU students without meal plans, was congested by hearty, satiated students pillaging the closed shutters of food stands.

“We’ve had it!” a masked protester said, wearing an AU branded bandana to hide his identity amongst the rioting students around him. “Our stomachs can’t take it any longer!” 

As seasons have changed in the swamp that is D.C., so too has the meal provider at American University. With Aramark being booted for the safer, less daring Chartwells, complaints have only increased. As the sauces are cautiously getting dipped in, and vegan patties are being carefully eviscerated, students have only one question on their minds: “Where is the food poisoning?” 

“We want change,” sophomore Calvin Frites stated, standing in front of the roaring crowd of well-nourished students. “Look, Wonk Burger is nice and all, but Global Fresh lacked the right amount of health safety standards that gave us endless stomach pumps and ER trips not caused by alcohol poisoning.”

Shauna Roper, a concerned AU parent and former Freshii enthusiast said, “If there was one sense of certainty I could get from this school, it was that Elevation Burger could always deliver a sensual experience of night-long regurgitation and scarring, grease-soaked memories.”

AU students are left bewildered as to where all the good times went, and additionally, why none of the remaining workers seem to care about their change in allegiance.

“None of the workers have warned me about having any of the food yet,” said junior Tim Jeffries. “More importantly, no one is asking me how much happier I am now that I switched to a Public Health major.”

Even more impactful is the complete confusion students feel over the rapid change in the meager campus menus.

“I don’t even know how to pronounce half the options at Pom and Honey,” freshman Angela Hardy said. “Like, what even is tzatziki? Could it get me hospitalized?”

While most people are tolerating the world’s driest falafel at the Freshii cemetery, the newest Mumbo Jumbos at District Pickle are creating identity crises amongst the AU Hillel community.  

“Am I Jewish enough to go there?” senior Zach Snuff asked, just outside of the new kosher District Pickle in MGC. “Honestly, I’m looking for some way to get free tuition out of this new meal provider.” 

TDR’s new look, highlighted with a new array of incubated plants, has not been able to distract the students from their dietary desires. 

“The plants are nice and all, but I wish my money was better spent on expired food,” Valerie Huffman, a freshman whose first experience at TDR was encapsulated by generic music and workers filled with existential dread, said. “Although uncooked chicken is a solid start, I feel as though we could be getting more consistent safety violations with this meal provider.”

Above all, veteran students are eagerly awaiting the re-opening of Megabytes. Even as some are looking forward to another new food option on campus, there is a vocal majority of students who are wishing for another part of AU’s traumatic past to be spewed back out onto the manure fields. 

“Bring back the rats’ nest!” shouted Greg Keffley, a sophomore brandishing a “Wonk Rat, not Wonk Cat” sign for the rally. “All I want is a bagel with some saliva, spiteful sweat and a load of rat scat spread just for me.”  

Chartwells did not comment on these events.

Justin Poulin is a sophomore in the School of International Service, and is a satire columnist at the Eagle.

In this grand finale, hosts Sydney Hsu and Sara Winick say their goodbyes and give updated lists of their current favorite shows. Listen along and compare the new lists to those from the very first episode! 

To all the loyal listeners, it has been a great run, but all good things must come to an end. However, just like some of your favorite TV shows, a second season is never truly out of the question.

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