Satire: Ranking the most haunted buildings at AU

AU isn’t just wonky -- it’s spooky, too

Satire: Ranking the most haunted buildings at AU

Note: The ranking system used here is based entirely off of the general vibe I get when walking into each building. It’s ghosts, there’s not really an exact science to it. 

1. Kogod School of Business 

Despite being the most cursed place on campus, Kogod is far from the most haunted. Sure, I’ve only been there once, but, in that five minute time span, literally everyone I encountered was in full business-formal attire even though it was eight p.m. on a Thursday. This is exactly why it’s the least haunted building; all the ghosts are too scared that some Chad will come up to them and start practicing his sales pitch. 

2. Kay Spiritual Life Center 

It’s next to Kogod, so the weird energy that emanates from it rubs off onto Kay. Also, based on the many shows I’ve watched and books I’ve read, ghosts tend to avoid places of worship. 

3. Cassell Hall

I’m only ever been in the gym part of Cassell, but it all seems too nice to be that deeply haunted. Also, people are almost always there, and ghosts tend to like hiding out in places that are a little more secluded. 

4. The Washington College of Law  

The only ghosts there are the ghosts of the law students who died trying to study law. 

5. The School of International Service  

SIS is way too modern to attract much ghost attention. No ghost would want to live there. There may be a few floating around the maze that is the third floor, but really, it’s not the best place to go if you’re looking for one, because everyone knows ghosts exclusively haunt old Victorian buildings while wearing period-appropriate attire. 

6. McKinley 

McKinley suffers from the same problem as SIS -- it’s too modern. It’s also sandwiched between a few deeply haunted buildings, so most of the ghosts choose to camp out somewhere nearby. That being said, some dead journalist-ghosts definitely hide out in those weird corner rooms, whispering into the ears of fearful students about how journalism is a dying industry. Ultimately, that’s more terrifying than an actual ghost. 

7. East Campus 

Sure, it’s brand new, but dorms are a great place for ghosts to mess with people because most students can either blame weird ghost activity on their lack of sleep, their mental burnout or their level of intoxication. 

8. Mary Graydon Center 

TDR is inherently haunted; you can’t convince me otherwise. Imagine that place in the dark and tell me you don’t picture at least three ghosts floating around. You can’t. That being said, something about the aura of Freshii seems to keep too many ghosts away -- not to mention the food.

9. Battelle-Tompkins 

The Battelle atrium is a liminal space, especially at night. Ghosts enjoy liminal spaces because they kind of exist in one. Therefore, via the transitive property, ghosts enjoy the Battelle-Tompkins building. At least somebody does.

10. Hurst Hall 

Hurst is at least 3,000 years old, so of course it’s haunted. Those wood walls and creaky stairs make the building a prime ghost hotspot.

11. Beeghly Building

It’s the science building. All science buildings are haunted by the ghosts of science experiments gone wrong. Also, it’s just a plain creepy building; the basement has no windows and all the walls look like they probably have lead paint on them. There’s a reason why AU had to hurry up and build that new Hall of Science, and ghosts were definitely a part of that reason. That’s all I’m saying. 

12. Bender Library  

The aesthetic of a haunted library full of old books is too perfect. If there weren’t any ghosts in Bender Library, I’d honestly be a little angry about it. Everything about the environment screams “haunted.” It’s the perfect place for a ghost to knock some books off of a shelf or float aimlessly through the stacks to the lovely ambient sound of sobbing students. 

13. Kerwin Hall

SPA is haunted by the ghost of Artemas Ward; he’s bitter that someone changed the building name to Kerwin. Can you really blame him? If AU honestly wants to avoid any issues with Mr. Ward’s ghost, they really should consider changing the name back. Former University President Kerwin is not quite a ghost yet, so it’s not like he can haunt it in revenge. It’s a win-win scenario. 

14. Letts/Anderson Hall

It’s a haunting place to be regardless of whether or not there are ghosts there. Let’s face it, we’re all deeply haunted by the thought of who we were freshmen year. You can give Anderson a makeover but you can’t do the same to our memories of us as freshmen. 

15. East Quad Building, basement through second floor   

SIS students were moved to the new SIS building for a reason. AU didn’t want their favorite students getting possessed by any more ghosts in EQB. 

16. Watkins 

Watkins is absolutely terrifying. First of all, it’s secluded away from the rest of campus, perfect for ghosts to sequester themselves in. Second, the basement of Watkins truly looks like it should not exist. The stairs feel like they’re on the verge of falling apart every time I walk down them. For some reason, there’s only one of them so getting to the basement is incredibly inconvenient. I swear I see the ghost of an old Victorian lady every time I enter that bathroom. 

17. Asian Flavors

I’ve never seen someone enter or exit Asian Flavors. Ever. That place is so haunted people naturally avoid it. Our internal GPS devices deliberately steer us away. I don’t know what happened to make Asian Flavors such a haunted place, but it must have been something truly dark. 

18. East Quad Building, third floor  

Be honest with me. Did you know EQB had a third floor? Seriously, did you? I’m not talking about the second floor, which I guess could be considered a third floor of the building when you take into account the basement. No, I’m talking about an honest-to-goodness third floor. They have tables and lounge chairs and offices up there. I have been going here for two years and I only just now discovered this deeply haunted alternate dimension. I’m not saying someone has been murdered on this floor, but someone has definitely been murdered on this floor. There are no windows, the doors to enter it are surprisingly thick and heavy, and when I visited at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday, a time when students are usually out and about, the entire floor was devoid of life. But not paranormal activity. That place is haunted and I’m probably possessed by a demon now. I just feel bad for the professors whose offices were placed there. 

Bonus: Megabytes 

Megabytes never used to be haunted, but now the whole boarded-up health code violation aesthetic it has going makes it a prime spot for ghosts. They’re attracted to it like moths to a light. It’s uncanny. 

Lauren Patetta is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist for The Eagle.

lpatetta@theeagleonline.com

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