Satire: Food insecure students resolve to just stop eating altogether
Students are instead getting by on rainwater and school spirit
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Food insecure students at American University have come up with a creative solution to their difficulties in acquiring food: simply not eating at all.
“It’s a perfect solution to a problem that plagues so many students,” said Tessa Green, a junior at AU with few remaining meal swipes and little disposable income to spend on food. “If we just stop eating, we’ll be able to afford everything else we need without the added stress of food budgeting.”
Green’s solution is already being implemented by other students nationwide. Sara Goldrick-Rab, a professor at Temple University, conducted a study that found food insecure students from 66 schools across the country eat smaller meals or skip them altogether because they do not have enough money for food.
“Tuition prices are up. Paying for off-campus housing and utilities is expensive. Professors are still assigning ridiculously overpriced textbooks…all these things make it so much easier for me to just skip meals! Who needs food anyway?” said Tyler McDonald, an AU senior.
Last fall, AU revamped their EagleBucks and Dining Dollars program, which resulted in a limited amount of locations that take Dining Dollars. Students, who used to rely on the Dining Dollars for other on-campus food vendors, have resorted to bypassing a meal entirely.
“Ever since AU stopped allowing the cafe in SPA -- one of the most edible places on campus -- to take Dining Dollars, I’ve just given up with food entirely,” said sophomore Michael Schaefer. “I mean, I guess I could use them somewhere else, but I’d rather starve than eat another bowl of fake ramen from Global Fresh.”
As an added benefit of this new food strategy, many freshmen no longer have to worry about gaining the infamous “freshman fifteen.” In time, the pop culture term may change to refer to the amount of weight lost in the first year at college.
Lauren Patetta is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist for The Eagle.