Satire: Tour group thrilled by amount of chain link fencing AU has to offer
Don’t even get them started on the gases buried in the ground
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Mark Saren was incredibly nervous in the hours before his tour of American University. Saren, like thousands of other high school students across the country, was deciding where he would spend four years of his life. Of course, he had done his research, but when he got to campus, Saren was more than delighted by what he saw.
“I’ve been telling my mom all summer, ‘if the campus doesn’t feel like a giant construction zone, I don’t wanna be there,’” said the high school senior from Brooklyn, New York. “I think we’ve finally found the one.”
Sam McLellan, a high school junior from Arizona, weighed in on AU’s new look as well, describing the chain link barriers as “cozy” and “safe.”
“There’s just something about watching manual labor from the other side of a big fence,” offered McLellan, peeking through the holes in one of the fences outside the library. “Maybe it's the barbed wire at the top, I’m not sure. It just makes AU feel like home.”
When tour guide Brandy Hansen stopped to explain that some of the fencing guarded a large quantity of unknown gases and chemicals from World War I. Luckily for these prospective students, American’s subterranean construction goes beyond just digging up old gas.
“They told us they are replacing the piping system too, and that the work could go on for years,” exclaimed Saren, who promptly added, “I know where I’ll be next fall.”
Ian Pritchard is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs. They are an outside contributor. The opinions expressed by the author are theirs alone, and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Eagle and its staff.