Next time you go to an AU basketball game, you won’t be seeing Clawed Z. Eagle cheering on his team.
As part of the continued wonk campaign, AU plans to retire Clawed’s talons to make room for a new WONK mascot.
The new wonk mascot has cost the University an estimated $9 million.
“Actually, there’s really no way of knowing how much it has cost the University in terms of man-hours spent on the project,” AU official Belinder Gates said. “President Kerwin actually instructed all employees to spend their days doodling wonk mascot prototypes.”
AU hasn’t yet settled on a specific design for the wonk mascot.
“The WONK is the new face of AU and represents exactly the kind of people AU students are: extremely nerdy, socially awkward and generally unattractive,” Gates said.
Gates said that the Eagle brand just wasn’t fitting AU’s image the way wonk would.
“I mean what words come to mind when you think of an eagle? Soaring, majestic, patriotic,” Gates said. “The only thing these pinko-loving libs are soaring on is from their stash.”
AU has had some difficulty developing what a “wonk” will actually look like. Millions of dollars have been spent on focus groups that include panels of current students, alumni, faculty and staff. The group was shown other unorthodox mascots like Fashion Institute of Technology’s Fighting Cabbie and the Kenosha State Guodas.
Professor Plum, a teacher in CAS, suggested that the new mascot represent the student body as closely as possible.
“I think the WONK should give off a very pretentious attitude and act like he knows all the answers in class, but is really just be messin’ around on Facebook,” said Anna Graham, a senior in SIS.
“The wonk should probably be transported frequently and pull fire alarms at least 100 times per semester! JUST LIKE REAL AU STUDENTS!” said Winsom Lusum, a Tenley resident who came to the focus group because she thought it was an ANC meeting.
AU officials who supervised the panel said some progress was made brainstorming ideas, but that they still haven’t found the perfect mascot.
“For a while we were thinking that the WONK would look like an Indian with a hatchet and colonists’ scalps but there were some problems with that,” said one AU official “Apparently a team in D.C. already has something similar.”
AU has also hired an artist to begin concept designs of the wonk to the tune of 3,000 students’ financial aid.
“I’m not really sure yet where I’m going with it, but I’m working on it,” says Matt Tress, an artist who once did “freelance” work on a bench near the Central Park Zoo and smells vaguely of pot.
“So far, I’ve drawn a lot of wonks with big heads and little bodies, wonks driving dune buggies, wonks surfing,” Tress said. “I can also draw wonks that look like Al Pacino from Scarface but we haven’t had any takers on that one.”
