The Drug Enforcement Administration announced in a press release today that it is investigating a recent trend of young Americans getting “high on life.”
The DEA decided to investigate the matter after receiving an “alarming” number of police reports from across the country, describing interactions with people who were “far too happy to be sober,” a DEA official said.
“This stuff is serious, and it’s in our schools,” a police spokesman said. Police reports indicate that college students are the most frequent users of “life” or “happiness,” as it is sometimes called.
“Between the stress of schoolwork and student loans, no college student should be that exuberant,” the spokesman said. “When we see these kids, standing around in their college hoodies and smiling like a bunch of carefree loons, we know what they’re smiling about, and we take them down.”
MPD has reported 243 instances of individuals being “high on life,” but has been unable to identify the substance, as officers have never actually seen it.
“I don’t know what ‘life’ looks like, how it’s ingested, what crazy chemicals are in it, or where it’s produced, but somehow these kids are getting their hands on it, and they’re using it to get high,” an official said. “Some freedom-hating terrorist is probably mixing it in Bin Laden’s dirty bathtub as we speak.”
Although police reported an increasing number of people being “unnaturally happy,” officers have been unable to seize any samples of the drug, leaving its identity a mystery.
“We know they’re excessively happy, but they’re never carrying the drugs,” MPD officer Joe Smith said. “These kids make evidence disappear faster than a gang of delinquent magicians.”
MPD is also considering the possibility that the drug is invisible, which would explain officers’ inability to locate even a small amount of the substance.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if those wacko drug designers have developed an invisibility shield of some kind,” a DEA official said. “They’ll do anything to suck your children into their life of squalor, including lacing their drugs with dangerous, stealth-inducing chemicals.”
Although officials cannot describe the substance, they have been able to identify its effects, and are advising parents and community members to report anyone who seems “a little too happy.”
Side effects of “life” include elevated heart rate, cheerful whistling, chapped lips and cheek pain due to excessive smiling, irresponsible decisions, amiably chatting with strangers and, in extreme cases, skipping. If anyone is observed smiling for a period lasting longer than five minutes, the police advise calling an ambulance.
