Bob Channing, a junior in the School of International Service, just realized the t-shirts emblazoned with “AU Football: Still Undefeated” are a joke, but he isn’t laughing.
“I just thought we were just really, really good,” Channing said. “But after someone explained that we don’t have a football team at all, I was kind of pissed.” Like many students, Channing was shocked and angered that there could be a functioning university in this country that does not have a football team.
Channing, so stupid he needed a prospective student in the campus store to point out the true meaning behind the shirts, believes the university has purposefully mislead him and many other students.
“What’s really offensive about the shirt is that they’re not even funny,” he said. “It’s like AU gave me the finger and then spat acid in my eye. You know, like that dinosaur in Jurassic Park that spits on Newman?”
Hardy Seminole, the prospective student who explained the shirts to the dolt, was surprised that anyone could go more than a week at the school without understanding its meaning.
“I mean, there’s no football field,” Seminole said. “Also, you can’t go anywhere on campus without some asshole complaining about not having a football team.” Seminole told The Eagle.
After explaining the joke, Seminole punched Channing in the shoulder for “being a total dumbass” then laughed at his stupidity.
Channing now believes it is his “god-given duty” to let everyone know on campus about the t-shirts true meaning and the abomination that is attending a football-less school.
“I can’t possibly be the only one to not understand this shirt,” he said. “The shirt is totally confusing. How am I supposed to know we don’t have a football team that’s been undefeated for decades?”
American University’s Athletic Director Gieth Kill deals with football complaints such as Channing’s often. After laughing for five minutes upon the discovery of the student’s idiocy, Kill responded. “I get it, it sucks there’s no team,” he said. “But you should just grow up.” After the interview Kill requested The Eagle to “please never call me with stupid shit like this ever again.”
Ultimately, Channing would like to be solely responsible for bringing a football team to AU. “I’m going to run for SG President and pass a bill or something,” he said. “Maybe I’ll write the President of the school like 100 letters.” Before he could finish telling The Eagle his stupid, stupid plan, he caught a glimpse of a student wearing a Harvard sweatshirt. “Did you see that?” he exclaimed. “Do people actually wear other school’s sweatshirts? Where is the school spirit?”
ED Note: The writer of this article could not bear to listen to this idiot’s diatribe so he also punched him in the shoulder for “being a total dumbass”
