Next month, a fleet of giant plastic spheres will be rolling on to campus, where they will provide a solution for both smoking and non-smoking students.
Thanks to the human-sized hamster balls, smokers will be able to enjoy their cigarettes in any weather conditions, while containing their second-hand smoke in the plastic contraptions.
The campus smoking policy encourages smokers to move at least 25 feet from the door of an academic building before lighting up, but nonsmokers complain that people often ignore this courtesy and smoke there anyway. Student smokers countered that they usually don’t mind moving away from the doors of academic buildings to smoke, except when it’s raining.
“Nothing tastes more disgusting than a wet cigarette, especially when you paid $10 for the pack,” Carrie McMillan, a sophomore in the School of International Hipsters, said. “I can’t wait until the smokers’ spheres get here so I can roll from Letts to Ward without inciting the non-smokers, and without ruining my American Spirits in the rain.”
Sheltered spots on campus are prime real estate for smokers caught in foul weather, but many of these areas are inconveniently located at the entrances to academic buildings, such as Mary Graydon Center and Ward Circle Building.
School officials considered multiple solutions to the problem, including constructing a “butt hut,” or gazebo on the center of the quad, but ultimately decided that giant hamster balls would be the best method for providing both shelter and a containment method for second-hand smoke.
The spheres also have the benefit of being considerably more entertaining than the other options.
“I can picture them now, scrambling across campus like eager, clumsy little hamsters,” one school administrator said. “Students are so darn cute when they’re frantic.”
“I’ve already requested an office with a window overlooking the quad,” one professor in the College of Forgotten Arts and Sciences said. “A few of us are taking bets on how long it takes someone to try it in heels.”
School officials said the plan is nearly perfect, but a few kinks still need to be worked out.
“We are somewhat concerned that students crossing the street to Katzen could accidentally roll down Massachusetts Avenue,” one administrator said. “But we’re looking into installing brakes or some kind of safety net to prevent that from happening.”
Until then, student smokers should avoid hills, oncoming traffic and large bodies of water while travelling in the “smokers’ spheres,” the administrator said.
