Literally every single high school student eyeing American University anticipates majoring in the School of International Service, an ongoing study holds.
According to the current returns of an extensive multi-week surveying of prospective future Eagles, there will be 1,500 brand-new diplomats, mediators and State Department workers with AU diplomas emerging in the year 2015. It appears that the school, with its ideal location in the heart of D.C. and its highly visible Wonk campaign, has succeeded in its mission to bring the most qualified and diverse cast of exclusively SIS majors in the school’s history.
“I’ve crunched the numbers, and they don’t seem to make sense,” said puzzled and endangered College of Arts and Sciences student and math major Aiden Lang. “I mean, the Kogod School just grew an enormous amount. Our School of Communication is due to get a brand new building. There’s internship opportunity of every stripe, not just for international issues. Yet all any visitor can talk about is that the new SIS building is ‘Certified Green’ and that they can’t wait to start learning Farsi.”
“Maybe it’s my fault. Am I doing something wrong?” An increasingly agitated Lang asked. “I must be doing something wrong. I’m a failure of a statistician. Maybe they’re right. Maybe math isn’t a real major here after all. I should have stayed at my state school to study like my mom wanted. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel like I was wasting my parent’s money for a degree that I could have gotten for cheaper and better somewhere else.”
“Oh god, it’s true,” Lang added. “It’s all true!”
Although hundreds of the students polled would be much better suited studying biology, art, mathematics, American history, public affairs, or literally any other field than the ones in SIS, all polled unanimously agreed that if one was attending AU, the only logical choice is to join the large and stellar SIS program, at the expense of the multiple other large and stellar programs which AU offers and may offer more success.”
“American has one of the best peace and conflict resolution programs in the nation,” said Emily Smith, 16, a talented trombonist with the potential to become a great musician one day. “I can’t wait to learn about international relations with 1,500 of my peers, all of whom are seeking the same limited positions as me.”
“I mean, as long I as intern somewhere, I’m sure to get a job in IR somewhere.” Smith offered. “Right?”
The vast majority of those interviewed in person expressed surprise that other schools of education even existed on campus, despite the fact that these schools were clearly listed as options on the written survey taken before interviews.
“You mean I can apply to a ‘Ko-god Business School’ while at American?” asked a clearly perplexed Michael Dettman, 17, who will realize in 15 years that he hates his life and attempt to start over with accounting classes at his local community college. “Why would you bother with business schools when you’re in DC?”
“You’re in the nation’s capital, with all its resources! You’re right near Embassy Row! The world is at your fingertips!” he exclaimed to nobody in particular.
While the prospective students themselves were quite excited about the idea of a 100 percent SIS Class of 2015, others were less excited. President Neil Kerwin in particular seemed to have a hard time accepting the apparent willingness of a future student body to ignore “Wonk” characteristics and instead follow the crowd,
“This university puts an incredible amount of money into this advertising campaign,” Kerwin complained. “We try our very hardest to make American University a place where people of all backgrounds and interests can come and learn. Instead, we’ve landed a collection of people who only know of our university for its international program. Now a huge proportion of them will not gain employment, and therefore resent AU for the rest of their lives. Even those who do find work right out of school will be in low-paying government jobs for the most part, and nobody will have the money to give back to the university when we ask, harming our growth and prestige in general.”
“Jesus Christ,” Kerwin added.
Still, some are excited about the change. Senior Martin Taylor, 22, was enthusiastic. “SIS is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me,” he claimed. “I came here with an undetermined major, but thinking I loved business. Then, shortly into freshman year, I was talked into joining SIS by a bunch of my friends, and I haven’t looked back. International service is something any student should be able to get behind.”
When asked how his job prospects after graduation were looked, Taylor froze.
“Uhm,” he said. “Boy, is it hot in here.”
