This past Saturday, what began as a harmless philanthropy event, ended in tears, fire and mass amounts of property damage.
The event was hosted by Beta Phi, self proclaimed “swankiest” sorority, in order to raise money for the victims of botched rhinoplasties.
“Like, the idea was great and for a really good cause — just look at Becky Thomas, what if that was your fugly face?” said School of Internation Service sophomore Lindsey Martin. “But things just got out of control. Like, we didn’t know that that many girls would show up, or that the stage could give — it was a mess, but, like, what could we have done?”
Indeed it was a mess. Over 300 desperate AU females showed up to the event, many carrying wads of cash to bid on one of the only 10 straight single males left in AU’s student body. The night began with the suit-clad boy/men introducing themselves and doing a sort of tongue in cheek cat walk up and down the Tavern. But when the bidding began, things took a turn for the worse.
“They were so crazy, I mean back in high school I was considered an OK guy but when I meet a girl at AU and they realize I don’t watch ‘Glee’ then they kind of just attack you. And this Saturday, we were mobbed.” said freshman James Richter.
The bidding was intense from the get go, girls offering up student loans for a chance to go out with a breathing male. Crazed Senior in the School of Public Affairs Mary Keagan threw herself on stage screaming “IT’S MY LAST CHANCE! LOVE ME!” once she’d realized she’d been out bid by her roommate Lisa, who sold her own eggs for the cash.
“It took a couple of months and some minor surgeries, but what other option did I have? There’re only 10 left!” Lisa said.
Make that eight. The final blow to the mass of deranged females came when two of the bachelors withdrew from the event after getting to know each other backstage and realizing that they might have something special.
Josh Riley and Matt Peters had never considered bi-sexuality, but had a Romeo and Romeo experience when the two dapper Kogod juniors locked eyes by the snack table. After Matt went up to the mic to explain the situation the girls just lost it.
“There’s only eight left?!” ONLY EIGHT?!” cried a sophomore, who had liberated a large serrated knife from TDR and proceeded to swing it widely over her head. As many as seven previously hetero-sexual females made a pact to switch teams, so to speak.
“Out of necessity,” said School of Communication freshman Sarah Gold, who suffered a head wound from another girl’s heel in the madness.
Before anyone knew what was happening the eight remaining males had been tied up and cornered in the Salsa alcove as the now livid mob encroached.
“My life flashed before my eyes and I realized ‘ow leettle I’d gotten to do, eet was ‘orrifying,” said SIS exchange student Romain LeGenuille.
But transfer student Jeremy Lint and SPA sophomore was “ totally into it” and “loves himself the biddies.”
The mob was finally gotten under control when Public Safety came in with tear gas and rubber bullets. Beta Phi’s president, Michelle Glover, claims that the sisters are deeply deeply sorry about the disaster and are hoping to restore the BP name. President Kerwin vows to increase the straight male acceptance rate after the disaster.
