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• Can we please get the vending machines to work? I'm sick of having to carry around singles for the machines.
• To whoever complains about there being a bug in the salad in TDR ... its what you get for going organic ...
• Dear tavern employees: WHEN I ORDER A BLACK BEAN QUESADILLA, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE REMEMBER TO ACTUALLY PUT IT ON THE GRILL. INSTEAD, I STAND THERE EVERY DAY, WAITING FOR A QUESADILLA THAT DOESN'T EXIST, UNTIL I EVENTUALLY GET FRUSTRATED AND ORDER TENDERS THAT IMMEDIATELY MAKE ME GAIN SEVEN POUNDS.
• To rant or not to rant, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous college fortune, or to take arms against the sling of troubles, and by ranting, end them. To die, to rant, no more. And by a rant to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that freshman are heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To rant, to sleep, to rant perchance to dream. Aye, there's the rant.
• ANOTHER YES VOTE FOR NUDITY!
• Why doesn't anyone understand that people in the library would actually like to do work in peace and quiet? I get that I'm not on the quiet floor, but you sorority biddies and broseph frat brothers could get some common sense and not scream and squeal/bro out all the time.
• To the person usually sitting next to me at Phonathon: I think you're pretty cool, can we hang out sometime? And I everyone should know that if you want something, go for it without hesitation.
• Do you remember that time when YOUR MOM had dreams of singing on Broadway but instead settled down with a high school sweetheart who proceeded to destroy HER life only to find redemption by teaching a group of immature children to follow their own dreams?
• Why is it so hard for people to just be honest? Say what you mean.
• YOUR MOM IS A RANT WONK!
• "What the hell am I going to do with my parents when they come here for parents weekend?!?" Get them drunk!
• Dear AU-Phoneathoners, From an alumni who thinks that AU's obnoxious calls need to end. I have only been gone two years, and because you are depreciating my diploma I am not making enough money to give back, and if I did I would not give to you because I do not want to fund the phoneathon or wonk. Go get a better work-study job! EDITOR'S NOTE: PHONATHONERS! Let this ranter have it!
• To all the boys at AU whom I have come to now, If you like a girl, let her know. Honestly, knowing a guy likes you can be a huge turn on. At least, you know she'll be giving you some thought. Oh and we enjoy random visits and when you say our names. Or at least I really do. Your welcome, XXXXX
• Take off your heels. You don't look good in them, and I can hear you and you wear them 24/7. Love, The people that live below you
• Hello fellow ranter, You are wrong, a professor did not rant, that rant about someone not following their dreams and ending up with their HS sweetheart was about Glee Love, Gleeks Anonymous
• I get it, you're not in a sorority yet, so you feel insecure and always need to have people around you. On top of that you need to exclude people, because what's life without putting others down and making them feel bad about themselves? But seriously, you're not that cool.
• Dear Asthma Kids, When you complain about the smokers on campus, I completely understand how you feel because I have asthma too. Really badly actually, and I understand how much it sucks to start coughing because of someone else's cigarette smoke. This does not, however, give us the right to dictate the behavior of others. We cannot expect others to accommodate us. Smokers have every right to smoke if they so desire. Since we are the ones with the issue, we should move upwind.
• I decided what I wanted to due after graduation - start a family that rivals the Duggars.
• If perfect is what you're searching for then just stay the same ...
• Bring back TLC! or 3LW! Or Dream. We need pop girl groups, ASAP.
• I always see people ranting about cute people they have crushes on in their classes. I have zero interest in anyone in my 5 classes. Where are these supposed cute people?
• There's this cute blonde girl, and what's great about her is that she doesn't know how hot she is. She looks good in the baggy soccer sweats she's always wearing ... so I salute you, cause you look this good without trying.
• People who read and write these are pathetic.
• Seriously, take the heels off.
• I'm a rant machine.
• No, roomie, I will NOT have a threesome with you and your creepy BF.
• Living in Honors sucks.
• There are two things that make my job not suck: 1. Eagle Rants 2. Being high
• Can someone be a gossip girl on here? If not I will spill your secrets with cleverly disguised descriptions. xoxo gossip wonk
• My roommate thinks I'm creepy ... not like I watch her sleep or anything.
• What will life be like after Jersey Shore? Will I have to move back home out of depression and withdrawal?
• Secondhand embarrassment rules my life.
• I can go for miles if you know what I mean.
• The last 15 minutes of "Mrs. Doubtfire" are actually incredibly stressful, watch for yourself.
• I love our little light flirting sessions, but I want it to be more. Can we get past the teasing? Kiss me, god damn it!
• Want to know what makes me feel great? Knowing that none of my friends are listening to my radio show. Thanks guys.
• Who even says "broski"?
• I swear to God, whoever is stomping down the hallway at 2 a.m. like a pregnant rhino is about to get fed to the rats.
• I am so sick of fluorescent lighting I could scream/throw up.
• Ok y'all, stop complaining about the rats OUTSIDE when there are rats inside my ceiling!!! You don't know how unnerving it is to hear the scurrying of little rat claws on the ceiling tiles above your head while you are trying to go to sleep. I wonder when the university will actually get around to fixing this rat-tastic problem...
• Dear Roomie, Your soul is a black hole that sucks the life out of me.
• Mmmmmmm..rats smeared with nutella---now you're talking!
• Someone sat in a library computer chair the other day and left pee smell behind. The library's main floor computer area now smells like pee. This really sucks.
• This is not college ACB. Stop writing about "that one person you're too nervous to talk to."
• Front desk people, check my damn ID. At least look up and pretend you care instead of ignoring me. Your incompetence is why everyone's crap is getting stolen and you get paid for it.
• MAKE ME A SANDWICH, NEIL KERWIN.
• Dear person on here who was hating on me for hating on the person who was blasting Bon Jovi, First of all, you go to AU. Everyone here is a freedom-hating, communist loving, tree-hugging, un-American dingleberry. Bon Jovi sucks. A lot. They're basically the Creed of the 80s.
• Dear Person who keeps putting notes on people's bikes in the SIS Garage, I think it is hilarious, keep up the good work Evan aka the red trek glider
• I just got dumped and I am so depressed and lonely. AU needs to have a hugs club where we can all hug each other and tell each other that it will all be okay. :(
• I've heard that some of the South side fire alarms have been frat pledgings. I've heard, too, that that's probably going to keep happening. I've also heard that some people, realizing this, have stopped bothering getting up when the fire alarm goes off at night. So, what happens when it's real? Stop now when all you're doing is pissing people off.
• Why is the world STILL talking about Alex Knepper?
• Dear freshman girl I drunkenly bought a drink for - what's your name?
• Dear tall and lanky socially awkward boy, Look. I'm sorry that your life sucks right now, that you're a sophomore and just got your first kiss. But honestly, don't kiss a drunk girl while sober, tell her she wasn't drunk, then expect to live happily ever after. Thanks.
• I hate that people don't know how cool WVAU is.
• I hate it that Glee wasn't on this week. Womp womp.
• Dear two loud girls in the QUIET FLOOR LIBRARY BATHROOM, WTF are you doing. You are being really loud. This is the quiet floor and you are in the quiet floor bathroom. You just walked out talking on the phone. Really?!? People are doing work. Or trying to. Just stop socializing in the library all together. Although that's what it's kind of for..JUST NOT ON THE QUIET FLOOR! People come here to get shit done and do work! Ugh. EDITOR'S NOTE: This is what all rants should aspire to be like.
• What kind of sadistic arse schedules a statistics class for 8:30 in the morning, in the SUB terrace of Ward? The basement below the basement. You have to be joking.
• Dear Obnoxious Freshmen, The Anderson 3 Honors Lounge is supposed to be SILENT. That means take your uninteresting conversations elsewhere. If I wanted to listen to people talking, I would study anywhere else besides this one mecca of uninterrupted silence, which you are ruining with your loudness. SHUT UP! Thanks, Someone Actually Trying to Study
• My roommate needs to stop asking her mom for help with her homework. The time has come. Cut the cord.
• Why do I go to Hufflepuff university?
• Hey next-door-neighbors. Just wanted to thank you for the truly awful music selections you blast in your room on a daily basis. Play "All I Do is Win" one more time, I dare you.
• Dear roomie of my friend, Yes, I may sleep over sometimes in your room. But do I ever do anything that's not rated G with your roommate while you're in the room? Nope, never once. I SLEEP, that's it. And do I ever complain when your alarm wakes us all up blasting Maroon 5? No sir. And I have never once made a comment about how you snort, grunt, and/or talk in your sleep. I make a huge effort to respect you and your space. So telling your roommate that I'm BANNED from the room is uncool, to say the least. EDITOR'S NOTE: Another good rant ... keep it up, people.
• Does anyone at the Eagle bother covering the College Republicans? They have done a ton of events on campus and yet they have not done a piece since 9/11. I know they are being invited and not coming, but don't worry concerned students of AU. They have covered all 34 GLBT activities that have occurred in the past week. Not that they shouldn't but how about some fairness. Republicans aren't second class citizens either. EDITOR'S NOTE: E-mail the campus news editors (campus@theeagleonline.com) about upcoming College Republicans events so we can get them covered! We don't want to have to do investigative reporting to find out when your events are.
• I saw Super Mash Bros at Chapman University last spring. They managed to be one of most mediocre bands I've ever seen, and it's the only "concert" I've ever left early. Thanks, AU, for bringing yet another crappy band/artist/whatever to campus. At least it shows that the University isn't spending any money trying to get good bands to play.
• To the freshman in my Hebrew class, stay young and naive forever ... you have no idea that life at AU goes significantly downhill from here. you've been warned. Love, the tired and annoyed upperclassman in the corner.
• Why are there so many Holy Cross fans on campus? I'm sick and tired of seeing all of this purple. We need to support our own basketball program people!
• I need a costume for this year. The O'Donnell as a Witch thing is already too old.
• Out of all bands the come to campus, who the heck made the choice to bring the outrageously awful SUPER MASH BROS. WHY WHY WHY.
• I want an AU Football Team!!!
• I wish this could be a happy song. But my happiness disappeared the moment you were gone.
• If you only knew, I'd sacrifice my beating heart before I lose you.
• Remember when AU had a football team and guys were allowed to have fun and not get cited for watching sports "too loudly." We get it, it's D.C., you like politics. That doesn't mean that every Saturday I should be forced to listen to politics, I want football.
• The rats are getting bolder ... they normally run away when you get near them, but last night I walked by one and he stared me down. Fortunately I had my harpoon on me so I speared it in the face and had a free dinner. The rabies really gave it a nice extra zing.
• I am extremely upset that one of my Eagle Rants was not published. I sincerely thought that the whole campus would enjoy hearing about my plans to turn AU into Hogwarts...now they will never know...
• I ate at the McDonalds under the arch and then wonked all over my roommate. He was pissed.
• Dear Hottie: You are extremely hottt I hope that we can hang out over the weekend, and maybe even partake in some Halloween festivities. I hope that you accept my offer of eternal love. P.S. I like your beard.
• I thought new Eagle Rants are supposed to come out twice a week!!! EDITOR'S NOTE: We keep forgetting. Sorry. Angry ranters ... e-mail editor@theeagleonline.com every Thursday to remind us to do rants.
• Dictionary.com offers the following definition of the word "Wonk": a student who spends much time studying and has little or no social life." Yup sounds like AU!
• It's SHISHA, not hookah. Get it right, Americanos! love, The Rest of the World
• Dear Phonathon, Sometimes I get the impression that y'all think I'm crazy. Sure, I dance to the macarena and sing Colors of the Wind (in my beautiful Broadway voice) when it comes on Pandora...but it is only to make you happy. I live for you all - my audience, my fans, my life. All I ask is that you give me the applause that a thespian such as myself requires.
• I need to stop getting high and going on the Internet. It's causing problems.
• Most politically active campus my ass! Bunch of hipsters complaining and drinking chai tea lattes.
• Jimmy McMillan needs to speak at AU ... Kennedy Political Union, get on it!
• Why do I always fall for unavailable guys?
• Why oh why oh WHY do I always procrastinate like this? Will I ever learn not to leave essays until 12 hours before they're due?!?
• Don't flatter yourself. I normally wouldn't stalk you. I'm just procrastinating.
• On one hand, my essay isn't done and I'm totally screwed. On the other, my Muppet impersonations have improved drastically.
• Whatever happened to Larisa Oleynik? Alex Mack was where the 90s were at.
• Let's talk about how there need to be some murals on campus. It may be kinda beautiful already, but some artwork would make it SO MUCH MORE beautiful. And make everyone happier.
• Who brings their parents to TDR?!?!?!? I thought that parents' weekend was about taking advantage of your parents. C'mon guys.
• Dear AU Maybe people wouldn't rob you blind if you didn't rob our banks accounts. sincerely, the Davenport tea thief.
• Is it too much to ask for an Internet network that doesn't turn my family into fuzzy pixels when I Skype with them, or that doesn't freeze my Netflix movie every 30 seconds when I'm trying to watch it on my iPad, or that doesn't make you sign in with Cisco Clean Access AGAIN even when you signed in just fifteen minutes ago? Then again, when fifty bajillion people on my dorm are all watching Hulu at the same time, including me, no wonder nobody can connect. It's like the tragedy of the e-commons or whatever, and it makes our university network just plain sad.
• Lady, control your kids on the bus. Them climbing on the seats next to me is acceptable. Them climbing on me/screaming/kicking my seat is NOT.
• Parents weekend is the worst idea ever. There are drunk kids everywhere and parents think they can bully you into doing whatever they want. False, get out of my face. I only have to survive two more days and I never have to deal with your attitude again. Your children have lives, deal with it.
• I think its rude when people go on Facebook, etc, in the middle of class. Nevermind the money wasted, if you can't control yourself for one class or a block, then don't bring it to class.
• Do you rally for fear or sanity?
• I am currently in bed watching a bunch of movies on a Saturday night and I'm content. I don't go to parties, they make me nervous. However, my neighbors rocking out to Lady Gaga and Leona Lewis is actually putting a nice smile on my face. I love seeing people come together. Nice job, gaga - oh - la-la.
• Yep, freshman, enjoy gaining that weight. It takes a good three years to lose it. Just sayin.
• Almost-AU hater: you scared me, although I understand some of your frustrations/issues with AU ( in fact yes, greek life can be overwhelming), I can safely say that the petty complaints I may have had over my time at AU have been overcome by some truly wonderful people. Focus on those people! I think its a large process to find out "you" in a world with so many questions but just let things be. Cheers, A fan of your rant
• I have a slightly distant relationship with my mother ( We're just sooo different slash she has a clone in my sister basically) and yet I love calling her for my almost-daily check-ins to make sure I'm alive. How's that for irony?
• Guy from Florida that I randomly started talking to: You are really chill. I love talking to people that are like-minded like me. Aka, can carry on an intelligent and funny conversation about the quirks of life. Keep on keepin.
• EXAMS ARE THE DUMBEST THINGS EVER TO COME INTO EXISTENCE. MY KNOWLEDGE ABOUT A GIVEN TOPIC IS REDUCED TO A NUMBER? GRADE. A. BOLOGNA.
• It's not how much you rant, it's that you rant - and with these thoughts in mind...
• I want candy corn all day everyday
• I. Hate. Everyone. So very much.
• My phonathon buddy is the shizzz even if he/she/it is ridiculousss at getting pledges. it just makes the rest of us look bad...
• The San Francisco Giants are going to the World Series!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope there are other loyal, zealous, and ecstatic SF Giants fans on this campus. Let the West Coast voices be heard! Finally the Phillies reign is over. The San Francisco Giants are National League Champions ... proving that this IS the year of the pitcher. Go Giants! Most sincerely, A San Francisco Giants fan who attends American University
• There were way too many parents this weekend. Although I was happy to have TDR to myself while everyone's parents took them to nice restaurants with real food.
