On the Publick Problem of copius newsprints
For Preventing the Independent Newspaper, from being a Burden to the University and its Scholars; and for making it beneficial to the Publick.
It is a melancholy Object to those, who walk through the grounds of this University; when they see the Benches, the Desks and the Floors littered with the strident graphic Endeavors of the Scriveners among us importuning the Student Body to engage in the arduous strain of sustained attention at Reading. These Journalists, instead of being able to work for their honest Livelyhood are forced to employ all of their Time in deceitfully expounding on the Actions and Admirable Deeds of the more distinguished Scholars of our Institution; while spoiling the Splendor of its Holdings with the surplus trappings of their chosen Profession; and while sullying the Names of our best Associates.
I think it is agreed by all Parties that this prodigious Pollution of the Fields and Honor of our Campus, is in the present deplorable state of our Economy and our Environment, a very additional Grievance; and therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy Method of making these Newspapers sound and useful Contributors to the Well-Being of our University, would deserve so well of the Publick, as to have her Statue set up for a Preserver of Education, in the place of Artemus Ward in the Circle adjacent to the School.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own Thoughts; which I hope will not be Liable to the least Objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing Intellectual of my Acquaintance; that a fresh Newspaper is, once printed, a wonderful and effective Kindling; which could be used to stoke a Fire burning Coal to power the weighty Endeavors of the more vigorous Members of the Campus.
I do therefore humbly offer it to Publick Consideration, that of the Eight Thousand Albatross Newspapers printed, Seven Thousand Nine Hundred and Fifty be set aside directly for use in Powering the Inner-Workings of the Strivings of the more auspicious Offices; the Remaining Fifty being reserved for Historical Preservation; to demonstrate the dead Art of the Printing of the News to forthcoming learners.
For, First, as I have already observed, it would provide a useful source of Power to those whose Vocations remain effective and beneficial Components essential to the Sustenance of Society; while the Exertion of the humbled Reporter is made obsolete by this Modern Age.
Secondly, the Libelous words of the Aforementioned Publication should then never reach the eyes of the Publick and discolor the Opinions of its Readership. The Fifty would linger on the shelves of our Archives; though current Inclination withholding the Future Academics of this University would have no use for the Language of their pages; and would browse only for Pictorial Depictions of archaic proceedings.
I profess, in the Sincerity of my Heart, that I have not the least personal Interest, in endeavoring to promote this necessary Work; having no other Motive than the Publick Good, by cleansing our Opinions, soothing Dissent, providing for the most Industrious and giving some quietude to the Campus. I have no interest in the Publication, by which I can further my Career or disseminate Erudition; Journalism being Immaterial and my disinclination for Toil preventing yield.
Sincerely, Mrs. Jonathan Swift Wife of Jonathan Swift
Thanks Eagle for job well-done!
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