News flash: If you have the misfortune of reading this elegant prose, you are probably ugly.
And before you blame your disgusting appearance on something inconsequential - like the free-trade coffee stain on the "I
The truth is, at AU, it doesn't matter where you came from, what you study or, perhaps more relevant to most of you, which disenfranchised group of individuals you're guilting me for mocking this week. Sadly, the real unifying feature about this campus is how unattractive most of its annoying students are. And there's just simply no avoiding it.
As someone who has seen the light of day and dated people outside of this cesspool of mediocrity, take my advice: Social justice does not translate well into "hot." There's something about looking like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad after he took a hit off the ganja that screams, "Goodbye erection forever!"
Of course, this assault on all things optical isn't reserved to those of the male persuasion. Distressingly unattractive women - or Gentrification Barbies, as I like to call them - are truly a sight to behold. Wearing UGG boots (to, like, protect their feet when they're saving the Inuit) and oversized $3 CVS glasses (to shield innocent bystanders from their judgmental glares), they traipse around campus reminding you why you've been single for so long. You just can't tell them that, in fear that the Women's Initiative (the "I," contrary to popular belief, does not stand for "Inquisition") could ruin your sole shot at serving as SG Tool-in-Chief.
Similarly, the awkwardness transcends gender lines as well; if you've ever, I don't know, taken a course in the School of International Service, you probably know what I mean. It's not really a foreign policy class unless the stalwart (yet uninformed) loud kid who's 1/349234 Kyrgyzstani accosts you for commenting on race relations, since "you just don't know his or her pain." A similar thing happens in School of Communication courses when students think their personal stories about how they occasionally liken poor covers of the Soulja Boy dance on Youtube to a generation of media convergence. The only difference, however, is that most SOC kids are stupid.
And when you combine that level of tastelessness with that degree of awkwardness, you get a phenomenon most dub "AU Goggles." But not even I accept the premise of that phrase. Harkening back to the days when beer (not anti-capitalist underwear) caused you to make bad decisions, the label implies that the effect is only temporary; it eventually turns off. But if my friends' dating decisions are indicative of anything (except their own promiscuity), I think it's safe to say this is all but a myth. AU students wouldn't know an attractive person if it cried "SUSTAINABLE INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT" in their face, and a quick browse of my friends' Facebook relationships indicates why.
But, in the end, I suppose you can't blame most people for being clueless. It's easier to be ugly than it is to be liberal on this campus, and that's saying a lot. In our perceivably insatiable searches for substantial relationships - those that trade looks for logic and sex for sociological theory - we've forgotten the mere basics of courtship. In doing so, we've tacitly accepted "ugly" and "awkward" acceptable traits; a problem, considering we can only postpone graduation for honors colloquia so many times before AU takes away what little money we receive. So, please, on behalf of anyone who's ever sobbed quietly in the bathroom next to a bottle of wine wishing you hadn't slept with the SIS kid who doesn't shower as to conserve water for all of Africa, get off of your ass. Stop reading this column and apply your putrid brand of social justice to looking a little more visually appealing. Trust me, you'll probably make more of a difference on this campus anyway.
Dorothy K. Mantooth is a junior in the School of Communication and the only attractive person at AU.
