President Kerwin, give us STIs and STDs now!
The Office of Campus Life is failing to provide appropriate services to the AU community. Recent studies from the Campus Life Climate survey indicate that students are stressed out, engaging in dangerous behavior, smoking cigarettes and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Attempts at education, JAMS sessions and aerosol Prozac have failed to curtail these dangerous behaviors. However, the latest research indicates that there is a simple way to cure this - the use of a plush bear. Sleeping with, or having ready access to a teddy bear, has been linked with lower stress levels, less risky behavior and a decreased need for alcohol.
The STI, or Strategic Teddy-bear Initiative, calls for ready and free access to teddy bears to all students without question. Having these bears available will provide for better coping mechanisms among students. When they fail that test and are getting kicked out of school, they can curl up with their bear and sob away, saving precious counselor and adviser time for students with other, real problems. Currently, if a student breaks up with the boyfriend or girlfriend of their dreams, they turn to the risky BJ experience. Thanks to the STI, though, they won't go meet Mr. Ben and Mr. Jerry. This will save someone several hours at Jacobs Fitness Center.
The research also has some positive news on teddy bears promoting safer sexual practices. In a controlled field experiment, scientists found that the presence of a teddy bear on one's bed was positively correlated with safer sex practices. In fact, it was perfectly correlated with no sex at all, and therefore fewer cases of venereal disease.
Researchers, however, do caution that this program cannot be administered by just any staff member; the STD, Strategic Teddy-bear Director, must be experienced. For example, a student who has a lot of bloody noses cannot be given a polar bear. Other students need teddy bears that have a higher fluff factor than normal if they cry a lot. In a particularly tragic case, one student whose parents were mauled to death in a bamboo accident was paired up with a stuffed panda. Needless to say, that student still has panic attacks.
The cost of implementing this program is not cheap. It can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars for a good STD. Implementing STIs can also run into hundreds of thousands of dollars, but if successfully implemented, STIs can save money in the long run. STIs and STDs are the latest rage on other university campuses. Doesn't AU deserve STIs and STDs, like at other campuses? I call upon President Kerwin to give us STIs and STDs now!
Hon. E. Joe Sixth year senior College of Arts and Sciences
