Evil corporatists and robots from the future will continue to rule the U.S. if Ralph Nader is not elected, the Independent presidential candidate told the only student who attended his speech in the Ward Circle Building Friday.
"Do you like big oil and androids pillaging your neighborhood, looting your house, kidnapping your mother?" Nader asked the student, a Dodo reporter. "Go ahead, vote Democratic or Republican. I dare you."
Nader, a former professor at the Washington College of Law, then proceeded to grab the frightened reporter by the collar and shake him, all the while accusing him of contributing to global warming.
The consumer advocate, author and perennial presidential candidate only released the reporter when he began urinating in his pants. Nader continued with his speech and quickly criticized the three leading candidates.
"McCain enjoys dropping bombs on harmless grandmothers and puppies," Nader said. "Obama loves money. Clinton eats raw meat from methane-producing cows."
Nader said if he were president, his first rule of business would be to completely ban cars.
"Cars are ruining America and the world," he said. "If you drive one, you're only helping the oil companies and the robber barons on Wall Street. If I get elected president and I find out you own a car, I will personally hunt you down."
When the reporter asked what he would do to fix the slowing economy, Nader again went berserk.
"As in our greedy corporate economy?" he said. "I'm going to shove that economy word down your flipping throat. The economy will do what I say."
Nader also emphasized the need for school children to run five miles everyday. College students would receive free tuition on the condition that they ration all purchases to basic needs such as food, water and single-ply toilet paper. Luxuries such as handbags, peanut butter and deodorant would be prohibited on all college campuses.
"The best way to protest consumerism is to stop consuming altogether," he said. "Young people these days are fat, anyway."
On the issue of Iraq, Nader said the U.S. would pull out faster than former AU President Len Badner resigned from the university in 2005. Then he would invade the United Kingdom.
"Those greedy Brits have had it too good for too long," he said.
Despite Nader's extensive plans for the presidency, he admitted the race would be tough. If not elected, he would try again in four years - when he will be 78 years old.
"I will be president one day, just you wait," he said. "They can't keep me down."
Two security guards then appeared at the door and demanded to see Nader's identification. He ran through a side door and disappeared into the night.
Public Safety filed a report and the Metropolitan Police Department is currently investigating the matter, according to a source who wished to remain anonymous.
Nobody is certain who sponsored the event.
