Students were shocked Friday night to see Clawed Z. Eagle dragged out of the Ward Circle Building by Public Safety officers.
"And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!" Eagle shouted at the slowly forming crowd as Public Safety strapped him to the back of one of their new motorized scooters.
Public Safety has determined that a thus far unidentified employee of the university posing as the school's lovable mascot has been responsible for a recent string of seemingly unrelated events intended to wreak havoc across campus.
A group of four students and their dog led Public Safety to the Ward sub-terrace, where the suspect was apprehended meticulously painting a Revolutionary War re-enactor costume with glow paint and mumbling about "the ghost of Artemas Ward."
Velma Dinkley, a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences, was one of the students responsible for his capture. When asked how they figured it out, she said, "Jinkies! It was nothing. Especially after Freddie found that feather next to the overheating air handler on the roof of Ward after the fire scare last week. Everything started falling into place."
The other students involved in putting a stop to the suspect's dastardly deeds were School of Pubic Affairs junior Freddie Jones, Kogod School of Business sophomore Daphne Blake and fifth-year senior in CAS Norville "Shaggy" Rogers, who is rarely seen without his Great Dane, Scooby.
The four students refer to themselves collectively as "Mystery Inc." and are known throughout the area for catching fake ghosts, getting themselves in dangerous spots, generally running amok and driving a suspicious-looking van.
Mystery Inc. compiled evidence against the suspect that points to his responsibility in several recent on-campus crimes, including the fire extinguisher vandalism in Mary Graydon and Butler last month, several bicycle thefts, the penises scrawled in front of the doorways of several buildings last week and, most recently, attempting to set the Ward Circle Building on fire by trying to sabotage its air handler. He is also blamed for the rash of illogical fences appearing all over campus, impeding walkways and making response difficult in times of emergency.
As a thank you to Mystery Inc., the Office of the Dean of Students intended to bestow medals of honor upon them. However, a review of the students' records revealed that Dinkley has an Honors stop on her account for not meeting with her Honors adviser and that Rogers has a case currently pending with Judicial Affairs and Mediation Services. Dinkley will likely receive her medal after meeting with her adviser, but Rogers' situation is still up in the air.
When asked to comment, Rogers said, "Zoinks, man! Who knew you couldn't have a dog in the dorms! And who knew that once I opened the door for my RA, my bong was totally fair game! But I'm glad we caught that guy, man. He was totally Ladner's henchman, you know?"
Ben Ladner could not be reached for comment, though several close to the case have corroborated. It is thought that the suspect was employed by the former university president to help him seek revenge.
"Whoever he is," Rogers continued, "he was a real buzzkill"
