Public Safety officials confirmed Sunday that Georgetown's Hoyas of Mass Destruction are not only armed and operational but are aimed directly at Mary Graydon Center, making the vast majority of the 18 students who voted in SG elections sorry they didn't vote for Ben Dwertman.
AU students, many of whom doubted the existence of such a weapon until as little as a few weeks ago - when Dwertman's SG presidential campaign platform focused on building up AU's defenses against Georgetown, relocating the Watkins building and defeating the nefarious Dr. V - are now being trained for a variety of defensive and offensive strategies as AU's Department of War is reformed.
Most of the campus community is being trained to evacuate as quickly as possible to designated safe bunkers full of enough duct tape, food, water, alcohol and condoms to get them through even the worst case scenario of several months of fallout.
However, several Honors Department battalions will be deployed to M Street's Ben and Jerry's to launch a possible counter-strike. They hope to be able to locate the weapon and neutralize it or, at the very least, eat delicious Cherry Garcia ice cream bars while reprogramming its coordinates to strike Catholic University, placing most of campus outside the blast range. A secondary force of Lithuanian basketball players will be sent to attack the Hoyas with rebounds and three-point shots.
Student Government President-Elect Joe Vidulich issued a message to the student body via Facebook from a secret underground safe house rumored to be near that of Vice President Dick Cheney at the Naval Observatory.
"I promise you that everything will be fine," Vidulich said. "Public Safety has moved me to a undisclosed location. I am well-protected and in the presence of AU's most prized possessions: a gold-plated Clawed, Ben Ladner's $500,000 hairpiece and Sonia from the Eagle's Nest."
Vidulich is said to be weighing the option of a preemptive strike against Georgetown's campus, promising a campaign that would inspire "shock and awe" in the weak-minded Hoyas.
"I predict that we will be welcomed as liberators," he said. "We will free them from the overbearing Catholic dogma that has repressed their students for so long."
Vidulich also announced that he has appointed Dwertman, his former opponent for the SG presidency, as the SG's Secretary of Offense and placed him in charge of planning retaliatory actions.
"We will prevail. We will live on. We will always be AU Eagles," Vidulich said. "Bring it on!"
Dwertman seemed equally excited about the situation. He quickly launched into a rendition of speech given by President Whitmore before the American fleet went into battle against the invading aliens at the end of "Independence Day."
"We are fighting for our right to live ... to exist," Dwertman said. "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! This will be our Independence Day!"
"Can we also hurry up and make a time capsule?" Dwertman added. "Because if this campus gets wiped out, it will be really interesting for the first people who can come back after the fallout is over to see what we were up to in 2007. Maybe we can put in an issue of 'The Falcon,' a student ID and a maple leaf. But I am open to other suggestions."
Dwertman then finished The New York Times' crossword puzzle in fewer than three minutes. "We must act decisively and we must act immediately, or we will all end up little crisps, just like my parents. They died in a nuclear blast last October, you know," he said. "I can't go out like this; I still have to bring Dr. V to justice."
Some of the student body, however, seems unconcerned about the potentially horrific effects of the weapon pointed their way.
"If Georgetown destroyed AU, at least I wouldn't have to finish my capstone," said Drew Richardson, a senior in the School of International Service. "That could be OK"