An ink-fixing malfunction at an Iowa bumper sticker plant caused millions of recently printed "These Colors Don't Run" bumper stickers to run this week as heavy rainstorms pounded much of the nation.
"This is a regrettably ironic mistake," said Bob Robertson, spokesman for J.R.'s Stickrs 'R' Us, purveyors of popular patriotic bumper stickers and car window flags. "Rest assured, this is no reflection of our nation's adherence to preemption and smoking the enemy out of its hole."
"I just ... don't understand," said Jed Wilmingham, 36, of Tuscalooga, Ark., scratching his beard and staring at the bumper of his Ford pickup, now sporting a white sticker with black block letter outlines. "It said ... they didn't run. Even I could understand the pun involved, so now this makes me question a lot of things, on many levels."
Robertson said an overnight shift manager at the ink application plant, who "may have been drinking," skipped out of work early last week, causing a lack of plant supervision that likely led to the mistake. In a news release issued Tuesday, J.R.'s Stickrs 'R' Us announced a recall of anywhere from 20,000 to 950,000 unfixed bumper stickers that had been shipped off to stores across the Midwest, South and "both of those Dakotas."
"What am I supposed to tell my kids?" said Sue Ann Willoughby, a 28-year-old mother of four from Salt Lick, Tenn., who noticed her newly purchased bumper sticker was streaking after hosing down her GMC Jimmy on Thursday. "How can I expect them to be proud to be Americans when even our bumper sticker companies are involved in a mass lying conspiracy with the government? It's a damn shame."
Mass confusion and emotional distress over the mistake betrays tense feelings in the nation as the Iraq War continues into its third year. Mass consumerism in the form of patriotic merchandise purchases - statistically shown to be the easiest way for most Americans to deal with the trials of everyday life, second only to self-medication - has proved to be an easily shattered veneer, according to American University social science professor Jack Dinglehopper.
"The majority of Americans have now realized that consumerism is an unreliable comfort and that buying several flags and stickers for their SUVs will not make them any safer," Dinglehopper said. "It's taken us this long to realize even indelible ink can lie, making all kinds of other societal promises questionable."
Mossy, Ala., used-car salesman Jefferson Wainwright, 32, agreed. "Are Britney and Kevin really on the rocks? Did 'Project Runway' contestant Chloe really beat Santino and Daniel V. at fashion week? Reality is now flexible, and I may never know truth from fiction."
"I'd really just like to get on with my life and have you people leave me alone," Willoughby added.
The allegedly responsible J.R.'s Stickrs 'R' Us employee was unavailable for comment, but was reportedly seen swigging from a bottle of liquor behind the sticker plant as recently as Friday morning, inside sources said.
