Interim university president Neil Kermit resigned his position over the weekend and has launched an aggressive campaign for the university's most prestigious and highly respected position: president of the Student Government.
Kermit's write-in campaign will face fierce competition from the student candidates on the ballot in the election that begins today and runs through Wednesday night.
Kermit refused to comment on what spurred his desire to lead the SG instead of the university administration. But The Beagle has learned from SG insiders that Kermit was frustrated with his lack of access to SG resources, particularly a stockpile of 'Be' T-shirts he has been eyeing.
Outgoing president Taylor Kylie said Kermit has asked him on several occasions for 'Be' T-shirts. "I'm an honorable and honest dictator. Um, I mean, public servant. I take the students' funds very seriously. The T-shirts are an integral part of campus unity and school spirit. What could Neil Kermit possibly want with all of them?"
The T-shirts are part of a year long SG 'Be' campaign designed to bring campus clubs and organizations closer together, which was the brainchild of Taylor Kylie and a cornerstone of his administration. The average undergraduate at AU now owns approximately 47.9 T-shirts with 'Be' slogans.
Senator Chocolatte Biscotti, a self-professed workaholic who's taken up residence in the Undergraduate Senate office, told The Beagle she caught Kermit attempting to break into the second-floor MGC offices last month.
"See, I had stepped out to get some tea in between dates but, when I returned, President Kermit was in the office with an armload of T-shirts," Biscotti said. "When I asked what he was doing with them, he mumbled something about checking for safety standards before he dumped them back in one of the boxes and ran off."
The other three presidential candidates - Mushley Ashnik, Voe Jidulich and Bob Roisseau - have filed a joint complaint with the Board of Elections, arguing that faculty cannot run for a student position.
The Office of the President sent out a short statement in response on behalf of the former university head. It read, "Hey, I went to school here too, punks."
The Undergraduate Senate held an emergency meeting last night to deal with the constitutional crisis. One of Taylor Kylie's Cabinet members, Geric Fryedlander, spoke before the Senate, advising members to compromise with Dr. Kermit by allowing him to purchase mass quantities of the T-shirts from the SG and use the funds for end-of-year entertainment and speakers. A resolution was passed that will reach the desks of President Kylie today.
If signed, it will carry the full force of the United States Constitution, like all other bills passed by the members of the revered student Senate.
During the meeting, the speaker of the Senate, Ben Jammin, lost control of members as they suffered massive nervous breakdowns over the stress of the election.
Senator Elton Friedboy formed a group of rebel senators to march across the quad in protest. "We wanted T-shirts, too, and never got them! Why is Kermit more deserving than we are? This is an outrage! An outrage, I tell you!"
In the meantime, the campaign continues. Kermit has set up a facebook group and was mid-production of a music video set to the tune of *NSYNC's "This I Promise You" when he was told the BOE frowns upon such frivolous behavior.
The video featured Kermit climbing atop Kay Spiritual Center and provocatively dancing with the flame.
When asked about the expulsion of videos for campaign purposes, BOE tyrant Branryd Ritdwyer responded with, "THERE WILL BE NO FUN!"
Former undergraduate speaker Kris Sgrodum has been named as Kermit's campaign manager. In comments to The Beagle, Sgrodum insured victory: "I take on the position of campaign manager for Kermit, with oodles of confidence that our 'milkshake' is better than theirs."
SG Vice President Leah Screamer, who has remained objective throughout the elections, openly endorsed Kermit today. Screamer explained, "Well, I'm from New Jersey. You know, 'the Garden State.' Gardens are green, frogs are green. He's named after a frog, that's almost like being named after my state! So, obviously, I support him."
Kermit, whose first name is actually Cornelius, has also added to the campaign flier frenzy with new "Be Corny" quarter-sheets. The Health Center has issued an advisory against walking through the quad for the next three days.
"Extreme irritation and annoyance with all candidates is a likely side effect of entering the quadrangle area this week," said one top Health Center official, who asked to remain anonymous.
