The entire membership of the General Assembly, AU's student-body legislature, resigned yesterday in order to pursue social lives.
"I really started to think upon viewing [Student Confederation] President Rick Toolzerlli's farewell address on ATV. You know, the one where he called us all 'a band of surly tools,'" said Jane A. Paulsen, who used to represent the class of 2006. "I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be normal and drink large amounts of alcohol with my colleagues on a thrice-weekly basis."
The mass resignations came during a specially called emergency meeting at 2 a.m. Wednesday night.
Thomas Mayer, who formerly represented Centennial Hall, said that he wanted to get away from "the backstabbing, fakeness and utter toolishness that is so much a part of the GA."
Student Confederation President-elect Colon Hannae said he would work with Toolzerlli to form a new undergraduate government. Hanne's early idea is to have emergency elections within a few weeks, allowing all students to run except those who want to be in Congress someday, he said.
"Students who want to be part of Congress get internships on the Hill anyway," Hannae said. "They should just go there and stuff envelopes for the real government instead of being here and playing fake government."
"The GA should be for students who want to work for real students and do things like lower tuition and require monthly parties at each of [University President] Lenny Badner's houses," Hannae continued. "Have you seen his place on Glenbrook? Just the waterfall in the backyard would make for some sweet parties."
Toolzerlli said that while he had no real ideas for a new GA, "whoever gets in it should be required to wear bright yellow sweatpants to every meeting. Hehehehe."
Ali Beya, who used to represent the Nike School of International Service, said she would continue working for AU's students by convincing her rich parents to hire lots of lawyers to stop Public Safety officers from ticketing cars off campus, coerce the University Office of Budgeting and Mismanagement to reallocate money and give students a rebate, if necessary, and require all classes to start at 12:45 p.m. or later.
"Everyone knows that AU only listens to parents anyway," Beya said. "Just think if parents had lawyers."
When asked their opinions on AU's sudden lack of student government, average students said they had none.
"What the hell is the GA?" said Janie Doey, a junior who lives in Centennial Hall. "And you mean that Thomas Mayer was representing me in the what?"
Freshman Holly Kraap said she thought her roommate's boyfriend's roommate was in the GA, but wasn't sure.
"That kid is always talking about tuition hikes in terms of Reaganomics," Kraap said. "He's scary. I don't even think he knows how to use the Metro yet."
Several former GA members said they were happy about resigning.
Mayer said, "I plan to go to movies and hang out with my constituents at such places as Guapo's. Yes, Guapo's."
Beya's future plans include asking Karl Lavigne, who used to represent Letts Hall, on a date and then sexile her roommate for a week straight if all goes well.
"Mr. Lavigne is so smart and hot, I can't get him out of my mind," Beya said. "Wait ... maybe I should just call him Karl"
