"So what are they going to do with the arsenic field?" you might hear students ask from time to time.
"They're putting Astroturf down for the field hockey team."
"No they're not, they're going to build a new art building."
"Well I heard they're going to keep it like it is to remind students of the atrocities of weapons testing."
Whatever happens, I doubt I'll like it. And I'm sure it won't be completed in due time, unless due time is measured by carbon dating. But until then, one group has a reckless, misinformed and carcinogenic stop-gap solution to the problem.
"Uh ... let's play baseball on it."
Yes, there is a demented segment of the population who thinks the arsenic field - that patch of toxic seaweed - is usable now, at least as a backup plan. And it may disturb you to learn that the group consists of AU students - though apparently not very good ones - just looking for a place to play the game they love.
They call themselves the Gentleman's Club, though they include females. You might have seen them on Saturday, when they played not one, but two baseball games in the March chill that's lingered through winter and into spring.
It's just wrong. How can they settle for that field? It's just not right to willingly ignore such atrocious conditions.
Why not mud-wrestle on the field during the next hurricane or Nor'easter? They might get in trouble, but with AU's reputation for outstanding disaster response on the line, horticulture would surely be funded to sod the torn-up lot with premium Kentucky bluegrass, like it repaired the Quad last fall.
Or maybe they should protest the University's fascist under-watering policy, which hinders the struggling grass from providing nutrients for its seedlings. Lower-class fescue can only provide a better life for its offspring - and those who trample on its offspring - when provided with "humane" living conditions.
Moreover, push AU to plant the grass itself, and don't allow outside natural forces to encourage the growth of the variant weed-like competitors. If the school plants the grass, it can more closely control its growing conditions, eliminate nature's privately driven demands and quell unproductive infighting among plants.
Personally, I'd hold a play-in at Reeves Field or the Massachusetts Avenue practice field, or wherever. We'd charge the field with our bats and balls, screaming, "Hell no, let us throw!" until syndicated Simpsons episodes came on at 6PM. We'd get detained in Nebraska Hall from 8 to 11 a.m. for a week. But we'd return and keep fighting.
And we'd win! We'd bring better practice environments to all our athletes. Rugby could now practice on Reeves instead of the Van Ness traffic triangle. Ultimate Frisbee could practice at Massachusetts Avenue instead of ... well ... who knows. And Crew would call the Reeves Aquatic Center its new home.
AU would then have no choice to completely transform the arsenic field. And field hockey, golf, ice hockey, crew, rugby, Frisbee, curling, intramurals and ultimate fighting, would all have real homes - all in the space of an acre.
No longer would AU's totalitarian athletic policy rule all. No longer would the evils of school spirit brainwash our students to ignore the athletic injustices they suffer. No longer would this school's big- money sports threaten AU's prestigious academic record. I mean it!
But no! The Gentleman's Club won't conform to the activism that makes AU the grounded, sensible learning environment we long for. And the Gentleman's Club is ignoring the profound opportunity to help the less over-privileged. So I say students, protest to ban the club, for it endangers our treasured elitist nonconformity
You can't just do something you love, wherever and whenever life allows. You have to tell everyone how hard it is for you to do it, and tell them to drop everything to help you out. That's the AU I know and tolerate.
