After years of complaining the Health Center doesn’t actually do anything, students are finally seeing results. In the last month, 50 AU students have reportedly become pregnant after visiting the Health Center for treatments ranging from mono tests to routine allergy shots.
“We finally just got fed up with all the complaints and decided to be pro-active for a change,” said Student Health Center Director Ban Druey.
Students are baffled by the change.
“I’ve always heard that the Health Center makes you take a pregnancy test, even when you’re clearly not pregnant,” said John Beckwith, a senior in the Kogod School of Bizness. “In fact, they gave me one when I had mono. But this is a little out of control.”
Katie Van Waldernberg, a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is one of the students affected by the pregnancy plan.
“I went in a couple of months ago for my regular allergy shot and everything was fine,” she said. “I went back again last week for another shot, and yesterday I discovered I was pregnant.”
Druey refused to explain exactly how Health Center employees managed to cause the pregnancies, including several immaculate conceptions.
“There’s literally no biological way I could even be pregnant,” said Lara Campbell, a freshman in the School of International Service. “Something weird is going on here.”
Druey said the unwanted pregnancies will continue until students stop complaining about the Health Center.
“I’ve had just about enough of these uppity whippersnappers,” he said. “It’s about time they get a little payback.”
Staunch pro-family advocate Schyllis Phlafley applauded the Health Center’s efforts in a recent speech to the College Republicans.
“Good for them,” she said. “It’s about time these uppity young femi-nazis went back to the kitchen where they belong.”
Anonymous supporters of the measure on the Daily Jolt also lauded the plan.
“Maybe they should all just go back to their homes on Whore Island,” one wrote.