Athletic Department to cut funding for all but three sports teams
The Athletic Department announced Friday that it is cutting all but three of AU’s sports teams and reallocating all athletic funding to the remaining teams, according to an Athletic Department press release.
“You know, when faced with budget problems, it really just makes sense to cut as many teams as possible,” Geith Kill, AU’s newly appointed athletic director, said about the cuts. “My predecessor made a good start by cutting the tennis and golf teams, but when I was interviewing for this job, I made it clear I was willing to go all the way.”
Effective next fall, all athletic teams except for the co-ed AU Interpretive Dance troupe and the men’s and women’s rugby teams will be disbanded, according to the press release.
When asked what factors went into choosing which teams got to stay, Kill said, “Hmm, funny, we didn’t really think about it that much. I mean, who doesn’t love interpretive dance? And the rugby teams have been a bastion of good, old-fashioned misuse of team funds on booze and trips to ‘tournaments’ for years. That doesn’t just go away.”
Sven Romberg, vice president of the men’s rugby club, said the team had no prior knowledge of the Athletic Department’s decision and was still sitting around arm-wrestling over ways to spend next year’s extra funds.
“I guess it would be nice to build a pyramid out of empty aluminum cans and take turns tackling each other through it, while retaining old traditions like stealing the freshmen’s jock straps and making them jog blindfolded up and down flights of stairs,” Romberg said. “There are just too many options, but we’ve got our best minds on it.”
AU mascot renamed in cheap ploy to get Stephen Colbert to come to campus>
Clawed, AU’s feathered mascot, was renamed Steagle Colbeagle II this week in an effort to attract the attention of dashingly handsome Comedy Central TV personality Stephen Colbert, host of the brilliantly wondrous “Colbert Report” television show, which airs at 11:30 p.m. Monday through Thursday on AU cable channel 62.
“When it comes to clich?s, no one is more tired of an eagle mascot named Clawed than I am,” said Lindy Farfunhutton, a spokeswoman for AU’s Athletic Department. “Steagle Colbeagle II’ is not only refined, intelligent and world-class; it’s also full of truthiness and void of liberal media bias. I think this is a name - and role model - we can all look up to in the quest to increase school spirit at AU.”
Colbert himself could not be reached for comment, but his press spokesman told us he was on a date with truth, and “tonight they’re going all the way.”