Everyone’s getting a little tired of all this hope and change everywhere. Sometimes you just want things to be, you know, unhistoric. So The Scene compiled a list of the best parts of the end of Inaug.
10) Pandas are cuter than Barack Obama
Sure, Barack’s skin is fantastic (his pores are invisible!), but we still maintain that pandas are cuter. And when we have to buy our Metrocards to travel into the city, we still prefer those sleepy eyes and plump physiques looking back at us rather than the new president when we get those flimsy paper rectangles.
9) No more inquisitive relatives asking about Inauguration plans
“Yes, Grandma, I live in D.C. No, I didn’t plan my acceptance to a school in this city a year before I knew a historic presidential election would take place on purpose.” It’s one thing to have relatives be proud of us for our collective college choices, but another thing entirely for them to quiz us with every phone call and e-mail about the upcoming events in our city. Who needs official District announcements when we have mom and dad?
8) We don’t have to hear about portable toilets
Obviously the greatest need for the descending masses, the shortage of portable toilets has been the focus of far too many alarmist stories for the last few weeks. Turns out our collective excretory systems had nothing to fear as snakes of the green shacks lined the mall, forming a great wall of relieving stations that one might imagine could be seen from space.
7) No more commemorative garbage
Act fast to receive your very own Barack Obama commemorative piggy bank! Honor the country’s vote for change by keeping all of your change safe and secure! No? No more? OK, we’re with you. There’s no need to have all of your household objects emblazoned with the president’s face, no matter what your typical décor choices are. Commemorating such a historic day doesn’t require you to spend two payments of $19.99, and it doesn’t require having the first black president looking at you while you heat up leftovers.
6) Legs are regaining feeling
Here’s an idea for the city government: chairs. Lots and lots of chairs. Though improbable to imagine buying and setting up seats for a crowd of more than a million people, we think we can speak for the majority of Inauguration attendees when we say, “Ouch.” Walking, standing, waiting - those who saw the president sworn in watched on unbalanced stems as calves were sore and feet were throbbing after hours of waiting. After Inauguration, many were excited for the new president, but we think most were just excited to sit.
5) No more presidential puns
Yeah, Barack Obama has a distinctive name. And we get that people like to have fun with it. We haven’t been immune to it either. But the last two years, from that microphone stand in Springfield to the Capitol Tuesday, the puns have flowed like a raging river from the mouths of pundits and commentators. Despite our love of wordplay, we’re hopeful that they’re gone forever. No more Barack ‘n’ roll. No more Obamanation or Obamarama. It’s the kind of change we were promised.
4) Regaining a sniper-free existence
Look, living in D.C. means that snipers are a part of everyday life. But, quite frankly, it’s much better to be secretly followed by the glare of a scope than to stare at the men dressed in black lining the National Mall. Safety is great, but knowing that one of those guys up there can tell that we used chunky peanut butter for our sandwich on Inauguration Day and could easily bisect that same sandwich with a well aimed bullet leaves us looking forward to a time where our protectors secretly watch us instead of openly doing it.
3) We can use the words hope and change without political connotations
It’s possible we’ll never be able to reclaim hope and change. But we can only hope that someday the connotations of these terms will change back to the way the English language intended: empty promises. Up until this momentous event, no one has been able to say these magic words without invoking Obama fever. We can only hope that soon this optimism will change back into good ol’ American disaffected apathy.
2) Our extremities can thaw
The government obviously has its downfalls, but we think the tradition of holding an outdoor ceremony in the middle of January has to be one of its biggest mistakes. People want to witness history and they want to feel change. However, most are lucky if they feel anything after standing outside for ten hours in freezing weather. We layer to brave the walk to the Metro, we strip to allow ourselves to breathe as we stand in the heated and crowded car, and then we freeze again as we wait outside for half a day to see a ceremony that takes a little over an hour. Let’s take a cue from some popular football arenas - heated domes can’t be that expensive, right?
1) Tourists are gone
Perhaps it’s presumptuous to call the District ours after only a few years of schooling here, but we’ve certainly been here longer than the city’s most recent denizens, and their departure is doubtlessly the best part of the end of Inauguration season. No more gawking at the monuments we breeze by every day, no more obtrusive escalefters when we’re on the way to intern and most of all, no more pretending to be friendly. We all know that you’ve done as much passive-aggressive elbowing as the rest of us.