Notorious pop star Britney Spears once said, “I’m the kind of person that when I get up to go use the bathroom, I have this big long hallway and I just know someone’s going to jump out and get me.”
Although we at AU aren’t as frightened as our girl Brit-Brit, there are a few bathrooms on campus that certainly send chills down our spines. We at The Scene present a directory of the elite establishments where you should heed nature’s call, and the repugnant outhouses where you should not set foot.
Worst Women’s Bathroom: Hurst Hall basement
Built in 1896, it’s no wonder Hurst Hall smells like antiquity. Worse than the classrooms and the couches are the bathrooms. The toilet seats are inexplicably low, even for women of small stature. One of the locks in the stalls fails at its only duty, making users feel either indecently exposed or interested in high-risk behaviors. The inevitable deafening flush seems to bark back, as if a sin had just been committed and should now be atoned. When washing hands, the water that comes from the sink gives off a pungent odor that can be only partially explained by the existence of a chemistry lab next door. Hurst, it seems, is really the worst.
Best Women’s Bathrooms
1. Library basement
It’s not often that one gets the pleasure of doing “business” in the bathroom of the library’s basement. When fortune has it that one can lay his or her sweet cheeks on the perfectly warmed seat, it’s as if God hath built the stall him or herself. The room’s structure is quite professional; it has a T-shaped setup with marble surfaces and long mirrors that allow for maximum primping time. Another plus is its clandestine locale. Rarely must one share the awkward discomfort of peeing alongside another timid girl. Though the soap dispensers contain vulgar pink liquid that harkens back to elementary school days, the classy automatic faucets are a crowd favorite. The library basement bathroom is so good that if it were any closer to residence halls, we might insist that it add a shower.
2. Terrace Dining Room
The beloved TDR offers countless amenities: an exquisite feast, a plethora of friendly staff members and, of course, a pleasant bathroom environment. TDR’s female water closet is desirable because it offers serenity amongst the veritable dining hall swarm. To escape the hustle and bustle of a busy Monday night dinner, the designers of the bathroom built two doors into the entrance way. There are only three stalls in the bathroom, but each is maintained to a certain degree of spotlessness. Each has dimmed lighting, which limits the amount of attention a person must devote to their bathroom activities. Because few students use the TDR bathrooms, there’s a good chance to meet somebody who works at TDR, a good opportunity to make a new friend.
Worst Men’s Bathroom: SIS Basement
Urinals with dividers are essential to the bathroom-going experience, so what’s awaiting the casual bathroom-user is not a pretty sight in SIS’s basement. The urinals are so in each other’s business that sketchy characters can readily check out your junk. Holding it in seems like a better idea than risking that, but then again, preventing your bladder from doing its natural duty could lead to infection. It’s basically lose-lose. There aren’t any redeeming factors to be found here; honestly, the color scheme is just embarrassing. We’d recommend finding a different bathroom before class or just avoiding the consumption of liquids altogether.
Best Men’s Bathrooms
1. Ward basement
Similar to a movie theater bathroom, the Ward basement lavatory has a long stretch of sinks, urinals (with dividers!) and clean stalls, presenting the bathroom attendee with an array of choices, while simultaneously foiling the habits of the trifling fools who can’t aim and constantly douse stall toilet seats with their insolence. This bathroom’s color palate is comprised of comforting, cool blues; it’s as if the inviting walls are saying, “Yeah, come on in.” If cleanliness, spaciousness and gloriousness are necessities, look no further than the Ward basement bathroom.
2. The singles on Tenley Campus
Scattered throughout the buildings on Tenley Campus are little lavatory sanctuaries known as singles, which are as clean and spacious as they are exclusive and aesthetically pleasing. One must have a friend living in either Federal or Capital Hall to discover the glory that is the single lavatory sanctuary experience, as entry requires a Tenley Campus swipe card. So set forth and befriend a student living in either of the aforementioned residence halls, for you haven’t lived until you’ve used a single restroom on Tenley. Don’t kid yourself. Seriously, they’re good.