There’s a topic that we have been avoiding because, quite frankly, we don’t understand it at all — which is why we recruited a guest columnist, Beaver McRugmuncher, for help. That is the phenomena of lesbians.
During a recent party, we had lesbian sex described to us. It’s like a Jell-O shot: first, you get your finger in to loosen it up, then place your mouth around it to get at the goods.
But lesbians are more than just Jell-O shots at parties. We have all heard about the myths surrounding lesbians, so we are here to separate fact from fiction. One such myth surrounding lesbians is the common assumption of their relationships.
First date: discuss marriage — where, when, how? Second date: children’s names, raise gender-neutral or not? By the third date, they may as well be on their third anniversary. The next step is when one gets a U-Haul to bring all of their processions over to live with the other, generally around the fifth date.
But to be serious for once, on a small campus like AU, stereotyping is abundant — from the halls of Anderson to the classrooms in Ward. But, while the stereotypes may be funny, they are rarely 100 percent true.
In our last article for the semester, we will impart our wisdom of what we have learned. Rule number one: don’t piss off a lesbian. They are naturally born with the ability to kick your ass.
So what do you do when you actually encounter a lesbian? Many try and divulge the deep mystery that is lesbian sex. However, this is often met with much difficulty. Lesbians, being quite secretive, rarely give out the methods they use for sex, but we have done the research for you and found out some interesting facts.
Everyone inevitably thinks of scissoring when they think of lesbians. However, from what we have heard, lesbians do not actually do this. Number one reason: they don’t want their lover’s feet in their faces. This is assuming that the lesbians we are speaking to do not share in the world’s most popular fetish, the foot and shoe fetish.
One of the hardest choices for a lesbian to make is which kind of protection to use. While dental dams seem like an obvious choice, they present serious impediments — namely a bad taste and choking hazard.
For people who want to be safe while having good sex, contact the Wellness Center, the Student Health Center, Women’s Initiative or the GLBTA Resource Center. They can help you find your way to sexual health, but we are students who are assuming our audience is educated enough to make a good choice regarding their bodies. As another resource, The Eagle does have a health column where you can send questions!
The one thing that the AU Threesome wishes to impart on its readers is to maintain an aspect of individualism. Don’t make sexual choices because they are pushed on you or because your friends are doing it. You don’t have to fit yourself into a category chosen by others. No matter your shape, size, gender, race, ethnicity or orientation, sex is better when you do it for yourself. You’re in college, and breaking rules is what our age group is best at.
So instead of going with the same old stereotypes, step out of your comfort zone, learn what turns you on and talk with your partners. Whether this is your first semester or your last at AU, you all have a chance to be better sexual beings. Don’t blow it (or do).
You can reach these columnists at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
*EDITORS NOTE: In an attempt to prevent misinterpretation, we would like to acknowledge our sex columnists are of varying sexual orientations and genders.
47 Comments
Jen
Nov 15 at 10:54 PM
I love how someone has finally brought up the notion that dental dams are choking hazards!
E
Nov 15 at 11:09 PM
OMG
CB
Nov 16 at 1:31 AM
this is so stupid. please stop writing these articles.
NA
Nov 16 at 1:50 AM
What exactly was the point to this article? The title said it was going to address harmful stereotypes of the lesbian community. I don’t think it did that too well.
Try again please.
Emily
Nov 16 at 2:13 AM
you guys are so bad at writing & addressing sexual health issues i don’t even know where to start. Jello shots? choking hazards? lesbians will kick your ass? how about anyone you piss off might kick your ass?
epic fail, as per usual.
Liz
Nov 16 at 2:31 AM
“Many try and divulge the deep mystery that is lesbian sex. However, this is often met with much difficulty. Lesbians, being quite secretive, rarely give out the methods they use for sex, but we have done the research for you and found out some interesting facts.”
There is so much wrong with that sentence, I don’t even know where to begin. Not to mention the fact that you haven’t found out any interesting facts for those too dim to understand how two women would pleasure one another. They don’t scissor. Was that your shocking revelation?
II
Nov 16 at 2:55 AM
Also, that was honestly one of the worst pieces of writing I have read in the Eagle since I started at AU. And I am now a junior.
CAS Student
Nov 16 at 3:28 AM
Wow, please tell me this article was written by three virgins. Otherwise, this article is horrific.
The vast majority of the time (99.99%) I oppose censorship, but please censor this horrible article. The writing style of this article is disgraceful and that does not include the bad sex advice.
The Eagle, perhaps you should reconsider your relationship with AU. Being funded by the school would allow you to get better staff writers and sex advice columnists. Although the newspaper would lose some independence, the results would overshadow the current output from the Eagle. Please reconsider your relationship.
-From a disappointed reader
Tired
Nov 16 at 5:19 AM
This article succeeds at what the Eagle does best: embarrassing AU. Good work.
Alex Knepper
Nov 16 at 6:03 AM
There are some people who simply cannot detect sarcasm. (coughlizcough)
Wow
Nov 16 at 2:48 PM
The worst article since the last one I read? Definitely.
I honestly don’t know what the fuck this is supposed to be, the article is completely incoherent and noncohesive, and fails at being funny (even though I’m not sure if its trying to be funny). Like really, who edits this crap?
Scissor me Timbers
Nov 16 at 3:09 PM
This sex column rocked, just like all the others. People need to chill out.
Honestly people…stop complaining and start scissoring!
Alex Knepper fan 4ever
Nov 16 at 3:11 PM
alex…check out the comments on this article dawg. just more evidence of a “feminist” center that is going to take this school down a path where you can’t even make a joke about scissoring.
CAS Student
Nov 16 at 4:16 PM
To the previous commenter:
I’m sure the student body has an appreciation for sex columns such as this. We are only asking for a column that is cohesive and well written. I’m hopeful that the “journalists” at The Eagle can do better.
I’m sure glad I’m not betting any money on improvements at The Eagle.
Danielle Geong
Nov 16 at 4:36 PM
I shouldn’t be surprised, but none of the three authors appear to know anything about sex, sexuality, research, or writing. I’m increasingly under the impression SOC is failing our students, or at least the jschool students who write for and run The Eagle.
The Eagle would do well to encourage the students who wrote this to publish under their own names. And proofread their work while sober. I agree this is embarrassing for all involved with the publication of this column.
Ugh
Nov 16 at 7:31 PM
The only way this column could get worse is if Knepper writes it. I expect that to happen shortly.
What
Nov 16 at 7:44 PM
Wow. Way to not address lesbian stereotypes AT ALL. Jello shots? What? We all know the Eagle is a substandard paper, but was this really necessary?
YAY
Nov 16 at 8:17 PM
I like it. Stop bitching you weren’t forced to read it.
also emily, please point to where they said they are sex health columnist. i mean they gave you the names of the places that can help with sexual heath.
um
Nov 16 at 10:40 PM
This is a poorly written, poorly researched, and quite frankly, confusing and offensive column. This could have been a well done piece on actual lesbian stereotypes, but it’s just a failure, as the Eagle’s sex column usually is.
Liz
Nov 16 at 11:17 PM
Alex, you think I don’t understand sarcasm? I think the writers of the Threesome don’t understand what humor is. If this was meant to be a humorous piece mocking lesbian stereotypes, that was completely unclear. And before you say that I just missed it; look at all these other comments. I am not the only one who thought it was unfunny.
Also, AU Threesome, “Many try and divulge the deep mystery that is lesbian sex. However, this is often met with much difficulty. Lesbians, being quite secretive, rarely give out the methods they use for sex,” ....
....“to divulge” means “To make known (something private or secret).” I believe the word you were looking for was “to discover.”
Last year’s sex columnist, “Mia Libido,” was amazing. Can we find someone who can be both funny, clever, and actually informative, please?
Senior
Nov 17 at 12:07 AM
Wow. I know high-schoolers who could write a better sex column than this. Way to go with the puerile “humor,” downright embarrassing writing, and awkward, poorly thought-out “advice” near the end- I’m assuming that part was intended to be genuine, which is pretty sad. I also like the implication that the columnists being of “varying sexual orientations and genders” is in any way an excuse for abysmal journalism. This was painful to read.
@YAY: thank goodness no one is forced to read the Eagle. I only wish than when I did choose to read it, I felt anything remotely resembling a warm glow of pride in the institution to which I’ve given the last 4 years of my life. Instead, I usually just get an icky, uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Alumnae
Nov 17 at 2:06 AM
Well said, senior. Well said. Although unfotunately, the feeling in the pit of my stomach tends to more closely resemble raw anger and a desire to throw things at people who so foolishly call themselves writers.
K. Travis Ballie
Nov 17 at 2:47 AM
I just want to say I am profoundly disappointed in this missed opportunity for an informative discussion on LBT womens’ sex. There is a place for humor, but if you take out the humor of this piece, there really is no information of substance, which after all is the supposed point of this column correct? I invite the Sex Columnists to an event this Thursday at 6pm in the Battelle Atrium which looks at sexuality in disabled communities. Perhaps this event will show The Eagle how to properly discuss sexualities of marginalized communities.
Kristen
Nov 17 at 11:29 AM
As editor of The Scene and the person who selected this year’s columnists, I would like to remind our readers that this is a college newspaper. Being such, I felt my job as managing editor was to ensure students were able to get involved in the paper in whatever capacity they wanted, despite their writing experience or ability, and give them a platform to develop skills in journalism. My duty, the way I see it, is to give students a place where they can learn to improve their writing and have a voice. I understand that this column has offended many people. This was not the intent. The one request I made to these columnists was that they be inclusive of every kind of sexual orientation and choice, which they did very well given the number of columns they had.
I would like everyone who has commented negatively to consider the fact that The Eagle is another arm of education, and we welcome anyone who is willing to give the time and dedication required to be part of it, as well as the fact that whether or not you agree with the opinions of our columnists, they have put in a significant amount of work in an attempt to open discussion on controversial topics—something that, seeing the comments on these pages, they have succeeded in doing.
In short, I would like to ask our readers to consider the heart and effort of the students behind The Eagle before ripping it apart. And to those who are hosting or know of events in the future regarding sexual health, please let us know at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) so we can better serve our readers.
Thanks for reading!
CAS Student
Nov 17 at 1:30 PM
Hi Kristen,
I would disagree that this article has opened up discussion on LGBT issues. In fact, I would argue that most of the comments on this article are about the incoherent writing style of the authors. I’m not asking for an article that would make the columnists in the New York Times blush. I am simply asking for an article that is well written, coherent, edited, and maybe if I’m lucky, an article with some humor.
I appreciate the hard work of the AU Threesome to bring this article to us. Perhaps, it would be better for the authors to refocus their hard work into areas that they can better express their expertise.
Nevertheless, thank you AU Threesome for your courageous attempt.
SIS Student
Nov 17 at 1:36 PM
CAS Student, I completely agree with you.
Except for the part where you can “appreciate the hard work of the AU Threesome to bring this article to us.” I have trouble believing any hard work went into this article. They have no substantive information. The stereotypes they perpetuate while claiming to dispell them could be gleaned from an episode of Will&Grace;. No research went into this article whatsoever, and they clearly didn’t take the time to write carefully or edit.
So, Kristen, I understand that you are not at fault for this piece of journalistic garbage, but please don’t tell me that a lot of work went into this article. And if it actually did, that concerns me even more. This wasn’t an LGBT issues dialogue. This was mostly commenters expressing disbelief at the poor quality in writing and complete lack of substance.
Dumbfounded
Nov 17 at 5:39 PM
“I felt my job as managing editor was to ensure students were able to get involved in the paper in whatever capacity they wanted, despite their writing experience or ability, and give them a platform to develop skills in journalism.”
Oh God.
“My duty, the way I see it, is to give students a place where they can learn to improve their writing and have a voice.”
Dear, dear merciful God.
“The Eagle is another arm of education”
Render unto me the sweet release of death. This explains EVERYTHING.
CAS Student
Nov 17 at 7:56 PM
I agree with the previous commenter. The school newspaper shouldn’t be like the Special Olympics. Everyone isn’t a winner in life. The Eagle will never improve unless the editors increase their standards.
The newspaper should serve a journalistic purpose. I would understand the “arm of education” if we in high school. Otherwise, wake up Kristen and the Eagle.
Another SIS Student
Nov 18 at 5:46 AM
Embarrassing.
embarassed
Nov 18 at 10:56 AM
CAS student, you will go nowhere in life but into depression with that attitude.
stop hating on everyone
J
Nov 18 at 12:05 PM
I agree with Kristen, and thank her for engaging the peanut gallery. I don’t know if you guys noticed…but the Eagle is neither the New York Times nor the Special Olympics. The Eagle, like other activities at AU, is a chance for students to explore an interest and develop skills. Apparently, CAS student Dumfounded and others here, came to AU with peak skills that will take them to the top of their respective fields as soon as they graduate from AU. Most of us aren’t as lucky.
I was not aware that a student newspaper could not be an “arm of education” after high school. Why not? Isn’t this place an educational institution? Do you think this is the real world? Were Eagle hopefuls supposed to have a portfolio of clips before they started writing? If i never wrote an article in my life, would I be barred from writing for the Eagle? If I wasn’t the greatest writer from day one, would I not be given the opportunity to improve?
And I read the sex column and took it for what it was, a college paper sex column. Was it the best thing ever written? Nope. Could they have been more serious about lesbians? Sure. If I read an article that I don’t like/agree with my first reaction isn’t usually to rush online and attack the producers of the work. 10 out of 10 times in that situation, I find myself going on with my life, 9 out of 10 times forgetting about the article within 30 minutes or less.
“To be a good journalist, you have to study.” That’s a quote from the story on Professor Richard Benedetto. I’ll bet Benedetto would encourage students to write for a student newspaper as part of their studies, so that they can one day become great journalists/columnists. Eagle: listen to Benedetto, he is the man.
Dumbfounded
Nov 18 at 3:40 PM
It is not fair to the AU community that mediocre writers and unskilled journalists are using our student newspaper as their personal sandbox. If they want to practice and learn, they should do so on their own and reach a certain level BEFORE they represent our university.
Klea
Nov 18 at 3:45 PM
Kristen, you are misguided. The Eagle should attract the best and the brightest at AU, not anyone in need of remediation. You should reflect on why it is only attracting the latter and start to make some serious changes.
CAS Student
Nov 18 at 5:35 PM
I agree with Klea
CAS Student
Nov 18 at 5:39 PM
Dear J,
I appreciate the fact that you want the school newspaper to serve as a learning tool for students. However, there should be some standards.
If you look at schools with top rated school newspapers such as Cornell, I’m sure their attitudes about the school newspaper are different from ours. By allowing students to practice their writing at The Eagle, it comes at an expense to the school newspaper. This article makes the students at AU seem stupid. The newspaper should only seek the best and the brightest.
J
Nov 18 at 6:04 PM
Dear CAS,
I doubt that Cornell’s sex column’s standards are that much higher than any others.
CAS Student
Nov 18 at 8:34 PM
Dear J,
To summarize, I’m not asking for newspaper articles equal to articles by the New York Times. I only want articles that are coherent and concise. Is that too much to ask?
I want to be proud of our newspaper. As of now, we have articles written by students who have not taken any writing classes and presumably affirmative action babies. I know AU is a liberal school but please don’t make the newspaper like the Special Olympics.
Thanks
Maxwell Hillcrest
Nov 18 at 11:57 PM
Well shit.
This is what I get for leaving my copy of Kate Turabian back home.
But I must say, I’ve enjoyed the metaphorical (and literal) plunge I’ve taken in writing the sex column thus far. I love getting the chance to take a rather crude and sub-sophomoric right turn every other week. It’s a nice change from the typical researched, fact based, well thought out, correctly styled, bland, and educationally forwarding material that I usually produce.
And, I am fully aware that this kind of writing (e.g. one without a real agenda, purpose, merit) is somewhat anathema to any college where the students like to hold themselves to a rather high regard. It is not lost on me that an article, such the above, will face vitriol. It’s silly, it lacks complexity, it requires very little thought to dissect. And college students love to dissect. They love to feel smart. And this article, well, offers none of that.
But that is what I loved about writing the article with Buster and Amber. And it’s what we hoped others would love about it too. In my mind the sex column offers a 5 minutes respite from the painfully serious life I lead as a college student (let’s pretend “painfully”, and “serious” are italicized in case you miss the sarcasm). But, we get it, it’s not up to the caliber of the extremely discerning pallet of AU. We’re kind of like Velveeta, when everyone wants Podolico.
I may be reading into the micro-cosom of AU too much. But I still like to think there is room for a low-brow column somewhere in the Eagle. And I think I’ll always be up the task of throwing parallel sentence structure, clever turns-of-phrase, my thesaurus, and Kate fucking Turabian out the window.
Relax and enjoy,
Maxwell Hillcrest
PS I find it necessary to mention that I do not speak on behalf Buster Darkhole or Amber Sparkles.
Not Impressed
Nov 19 at 12:04 AM
CAS Student, you spend enough time bitching on here, why don’t you convert that into something useful and go write for the Eagle yourself?
student
Nov 19 at 12:10 AM
Maxwell Hillcrest,
There is always room for low brow, obviously, because Lady Gaga says so. The actual issue with this column is that you have no clue what you’re talking about. If you’re going to write a piece on lesbian stereotypes, you should probably research actual lesbian stereotypes rather than write an incoherent article about jello shots and choking hazards. Just a thought.
Dumbfounded
Nov 19 at 12:56 AM
CAS Student: “As of now, we have articles written by students who have not taken any writing classes and presumably affirmative action babies.”
1. You don’t know that.
2. You’re a bad writer.
3. You’re an idiot. Stop commenting.
Thanks
CAS Student
Nov 19 at 2:57 AM
To the previous commenter:
Well I’m dumbfounded as to how you came to those conclusions.
Anyways, I reaffirm my previous comments. If you would like to challenge my comments, I encourage you to do so in a manner more representative of college students than uneducated school girls gone wild.
Thanks.
K. Travis Ballie
Nov 19 at 9:03 AM
“We’re kind of like Velveeta, when everyone wants Podolico. “
Well if everyone wants Podolico, why should we continue to settle for Velveeta, aka you?
The thing about The Eagle is while it is a newspaper with heavy influence from reporters, I assume somewhere down the production line readers’ comments and wants/needs have some impact. At least I would hope so.
My name is Travis, Podolico lover.
K. Travis Ballie
Nov 19 at 9:17 AM
In additional Maxwell,
I wanted to thank you for sharing. I think it is important for people who write academically about these issues find a space to poke humor at them. Otherwise as human beings we would become way too depressed at the sex negativity and misinformation that exists in our society. Your point has value, I am just contesting the current venue in which you are showcasing your non-academic writing.
To be quite honest, if I wanted a list of stereotypes about lesbians I would have gone to a frat party, turned on the tv, or read GQ. A sex column is important to me because I have always relied on sex columns, particularly AU’s, to grow as an educated and aware person. I’ve been reading sex columns in The Eagle for 4 years (when it has existed), and this is the longest period of time I’ve read a sex column while being so perpetually disappointed (although credit where credit is due I LOVED your anal sex piece!). Hope all is well.
Really
Nov 19 at 11:10 AM
Come on Travis,
“I have always relied on sex columns…” means I cant make up my own mind and make discussion for myself. It means i have to listen to other people who all have claim to be sex experts.
If you want a sex columnist that is dry then read the City Paper.
The AUthreesome said in this article that you have the chance to be yourself. To make sex choices because you want it not because other want your to. So stop relying on sex columnist to grow as a person because the only thing that can help you do that is yourself and your experiences.
K. Travis Ballie
Nov 19 at 1:17 PM
I agree that one should always explore multiple sources on sexuality, but most importantly one’s own self. I believe I practice this very well, but I am after all my only judge on that account.
I would contest he mischaracterization that I rely solely on this sex column to explore these issues, but it is a special sex column for me since I have a certain pride in my university A) having a sex column and B) having such an amazing student body where people volunteer to do this.
Maxwell and all the others are fabulous for volunteering to fill this role, with their own time. My love for the idea of a sex column and for the change power such a column has in creating a sex positive climate is what leads me however to critique what I read in these columns.
I hope my critique is taken in a constructive manner and I apologize if I have not come off as constructive in the past.
dyke
Dec 13 at 3:45 PM
i don’t go to you school.
i found this article trying while trying to write a paper.
it is terrible.
it disgraced the LGBT community.
there is no secret how lesbians fuck.
oral. finger. strap-on. toys.
get over it. you’re all ridiculous for this continuous bickering.
just don’t read articles written by these idiots anymore.
Post a comment
Comments are reviewed: inappropriate, off-topic or offensive content may be deleted.
Commenting is not available in this section entry.