It’s three in the morning. You have it inside you right now. It kind of hurts. You’ve had one too many cups of jungle juice. You think his name is Andrew, but you’re not really sure. You thought you would never be that girl, but there you are, in your drunken haze.
You wake up the day after to an unfamiliar ceiling, some guy who smells like booze, AXE body spray and, well, something else. He wants to cuddle and you’re starting to think maybe this drunken hook-up could turn into something.
Hold up! Not so fast. Unfortunately, we couldn’t be with you in the moment of need—but maybe we can do a little damage control.
Ladies, delete “Welcome Week Guy ‘09” from your phone. Dudes, don’t call! Hook-ups do not lead to relationships (we’ll explain why).
A lot of people think that their first sexual experience in college is something meaningful. We can tell you that it is not. When you hook up with someone, you’re thinking with your clit or your dick—you’re not gathering the type of empirical data that you would were you sober. This leads to you waking up with a guy who you thought was attractive last night and trying to convince yourself he’s still attractive today. Put down your computer and stop trying to Facebook-stalk him. Stop asking your roommate if she thinks that he could possibly be attractive with one eye closed, her head tilted and the lights out. It doesn’t matter if it was just a hook-up; as long as you’re safe, not pregnant and clean, it’s time to move on.
Others might feel guilty and regret their drunken romp. Don’t. Everyone does it. Granted, it might be a little early in the school year for a late night/early morning run to CVS for the $52 pill. But if it is necessary, please do get that pill—AU does not have family housing. (Oh, and by the way, don’t use mommy’s credit card to buy it—and don’t rely on the ATM in Anderson Hall.) Still, college is about learning, right? Consider this your first lesson of the semester. It’s natural to want to be with someone you are attracted to—or, at least were attracted to at the time. But sexual attraction, drunken or sober, is not the same as a relationship.
Not that we’ve imparted our wisdom and personal experience on you, let’s talk about how to recognize the beginning of a real relationship. You meet someone you like, whether its 3:00 a.m. or 3:00 p.m., and it turns out you have your clothing on this time. We are now starting off on a better foot and, lets face it girls, more often then not you’ll have to slow the guy down. That’s more than okay—it adds to your “mystique.” Flirt with them, step in a little bit closer, laugh at all his jokes, flip your hair, basically everything you see in the movies without the sex. I said without the sex. In this day and age, it’s okay to ask him out. If you’re too shy for that, ask for his phone number or Facebook him. Start a conversation to find out more about him, and in the process discover more about what you want.
This time, you’re thinking with your brain and not your sex organs. In the end it’s all going to be about what you want emotionally, intellectually ... and physically. There is no reason to rush into any relationship. Two weeks at school does not mean you know the guy. You don’t want to ruin your first semester being in a relationship that you don’t want. Let’s not waste your time or his.
So before you get over-anxious to leap into that glorious relationship, here are a few questions to ask yourself: 1. How intoxicated were you when you met? 2. If you were sober, would you find this person attractive? 3. Do you really want a relationship this early in the year anyway?
Until next time: avoid a frown, contain your clown. Both the Health Center and LBGT Resource Center have free condoms.
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14 Comments
Mike Johnson
Aug 31 at 10:37 PM
Screw you guys. This is such trash. GIrls lets be honest, the only reason a guy will stick around if you follow this advice is because he’s waiting for you to give it up. Its not because he wants to get to know you as a person.
You want to build a solid relationship? Then fuck him. Do it the first night if you want, but do it well. Have some balls. You are a valid human being not because of your sexual inexperience but because of those same qualities you want him to discover. Hold your head up high. Have sex with a couple guys. Its college.
What better way to build a relationship then to be up front about every emotion and driving influence you have right away. What’s the use in building a committed relationship and months later you actually do have sex and it sucks. Now your left with bad sex and a deteriorating relationship.
Sex is healthy. Its good for you. It makes you feel good and it makes him feel good. And if it doesn’t work out, then fine, it doesn’t work. Smile when you see him on campus and dump all your bitch friends who use the word “slut.”
Fuck that word. Everyone enjoys sex, and if you’re not enjoying it its probably because you’re not doing it properly. The answer isn’t to stop doing it. Its to do it more. Be proud of your sexuality. Flaunt it. Be true to who you are so you can find a guy who appreciates the real you, not just the you that’s been watered down to act like a virgin and a sex kitten at the same time.
Any guy who doesn’t value you after a one-nighter isn’t a guy you wanna be with anyway.
Oh and for God’s sake swallow.
Mike Johnson
Aug 31 at 10:44 PM
Oh and what does he smell like? B.O.? Ribbed Trojans? I’m not sure what the deal is on that one.
Next time you write a sex article don’t write it like a date rape story. Date rape is despicable. Sex isn’t like that. It can be intimate and sensual and filled with all the excitement and sensation of a first kiss.
Lets be real when we talk about sex and leave the fear mongering out of it.
And if the guy is anywhere near as drunk as you are I bet money it doesn’t hurt. Jimmy isn’t exactly cast iron after seven or eight Natty Lights.
Alex
Sep 2 at 3:20 PM
How the hell is that rape?
I hear of this kind of stuff happening all the time. We’ve all been there at one time or another when you have drunk sex, so what? Its the people who end up trying to build a relationship off of that who are stupid. This article makes a good point that I think girls here at AU need to listen to, and damn good writing for the Eagle too.
John
Sep 2 at 3:41 PM
The eagle giving out good advise, this is new.
Oh, and for god sakes girls, swallow if you want but make a choice for yourself.
Moz
Sep 2 at 4:06 PM
Mike, I think you only posted that because you can’t get any, and you’re just hoping your ‘dream girl’, or should I say ‘dream slut’ is going to come along, fuck you, suck you off and swallow like a good girl.
Why don’t you grow up and live outside your porn fantasies and hope to find a girl who likes sex, but also likes you for who you are. Then again, I don’t know many girls who like scumbags…
S
Sep 2 at 5:14 PM
Mike - what if you have sex with someone right off the bat, and then find out that their personality sucks? Sex isn’t the most important thing, and it’s better and more meaningful when there’s a connection already established. I’d rather wait a little while before fucking, and have a relationship that’s good emotionally but has bad sex. I’m not saying that sex is bad, in fact, I love sex. But I think I’m capable of being honest about that without doing it every time I feel like it. Let’s compare it to taking walks - I love taking walks, but sometimes I might feel like taking a walk, but it’s raining outside. I could still take a walk and I might even kind of enjoy it, but not as much as I would enjoy it if I waited.
In response to the person who didn’t think the scenario in the first paragraph was rape - rape is defined as sex without consent. The girl in the story is barely even aware of what’s going on, so I’m guessing that she was not capable of consenting. Therefore, by the legal definition, it IS rape, and if that happened to me, I would take legal action. Maybe she shouldn’t have gotten that drunk, but she probably didn’t intend to - jungle juice has a funny way of doing that to you because you can’t tell what’s in it
I’m not saying that drunken sex is always rape, but if she’s as drunk as she is in this story, it probably is, although I would say that it depends on her perception.
Gordon Bombay
Sep 2 at 6:23 PM
This article is bullshit. It is completely unnecessary. Don’t go patronizing new freshman as if you are so wise that your advice will avert their inevitable bad, gross, drunken sexual encounter that you (authors) had and still regret. How would your life have been different if someone stopped you in your tracks and you never learned form your experience? Your article should be boiled down to: don’t be stupid. this is just the beginning of your sexual life, it will always be there. Be smart. Fuck this article. the eagle sucks
Gordon Bombay
Sep 2 at 6:40 PM
and “laugh at all his jokes, flip your hair, do everything you see in the movies” ? that is the stupidest advice I’ve ever heard. How about be yourself and do what feels right. Don’t laugh at a stupid joke, tell him/her it sucked. Anyone who says “do what you see in the movies” as relationship advice does not know what the fuck they’re talking about. This article is awful
J
Sep 2 at 7:03 PM
Life is not movies, nor scare tactics. This article is bunk, and Mike makes good points.
M
Sep 3 at 1:24 AM
Dear God, I hope no one’s dumb enough to take Mike’s advice… Because a guy you have sex with the night you meet him will ever really respect you, much less come to care about you. Yeah right. You do that, and he’ll say nasty things about you to all of his friends.
And, if you’re wasted, are you really in a good position to judge if you want to have sex with this guy? Because, generally, if you’re wasted, there’s a good chance the guy is a troll, and that you’d be ashamed of being with him in the morning. And, really, having sex with people here… it’s not a big school. You will see him, probably the day afterward, and it’ll be embarrassing. And, think about it, do you really want a random guy knowing all these intimate details about you?
I’m a little ashamed that the Eagle put this out, actually… It’s irresponsible at the very least for promoting the idea that hook-ups like the one at the beginning are something that’s okay, or “normal” for that matter, much less something to try out. If it hurts, and you’re so wasted you don’t know what’s going on, then that is rape. And that’s not okay or normal.
It’s also irresponsible because you shouldn’t have sex with anyone a couple hours after meeting them because you don’t really know them or their sexual history, and who wants an STD? Especially one like Herpes you can’t get rid of? And even if you don’t get pregnant or contract an STD, that doesn’t mean you’re necessarily in the clear. Sex has consequences you can’t predict, and it can affect you in other ways.
Jeremy
Sep 3 at 12:10 PM
This article, translated:
“To all female freshman: Congrats! You’ve arrived at one of the top-tier universities in the country. While this should prove that you’re more than just a sex object, your peers think otherwise. Close your books, just spread your legs: at American University, it’s the status quo!”
NO FEMALE STUDENT AT AU SHOULD ACCEPT THIS. You’re paying a fuck-lot of money and worked hard throughout high school to get in here. You should demand that this article be followed with a formal apology to the female student body. The authors should be ashamed of themselves for perpetuating such negative and ultimately destructive stereotypes.
It’s times like this I’m glad I returned home and attend community college (at 1/80 the price of AU, mind you). The Eagle is trash and it’s YOUR tuition dollars being spent printing it twice a week.
If women don’t stand up for themselves, who will?
How Many Virgins Does It Take To Write A Sex Colum
Sep 3 at 12:13 PM
How could you? I find it terrible that the eagle could endorse such carelessness. Men and Women can both be to blame, but when you portray such abuses as normal everyday behavior it has a damaging effect on us as a society. The Eagle’s writers and editors should be ashamed of publishing such trash that endorses the abuse of the english language. “More often then not.” How could you let that get by you? The idiom is more often than not. As in the comparative form of than, meaning that something happens more THAN it does not. Fucking idiots.
Also, you deserve all the outrage you’ve received for that first paragraph. In addition to that this article offered terrible advice. Sad to see that this sex column is about as dull as the sex lives of its writers.
Disco Stick
Sep 3 at 12:56 PM
Dear Eagle Staff,
I just had a quick question that I was hoping you could answer. In the part of this article that says,
“You wake up the day after to an unfamiliar ceiling, some guy who smells like booze, AXE body spray and, well, something else.”
What does “well, something else” mean? I’m interpreting it as “your pussy” or “jizz” I’m having a little trouble deciding which one though. Could it be both?
Please let me know asap.
anon
Sep 4 at 10:17 AM
It is quite clear that the authors of this piece have never been laid, never been drunk, and spend every weekend holed up in the library. Get a life and stop passing judgment.
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