Not quite the Oscars, but still the ‘Best’

With 2003 drawing to a close, it seems appropriate to give out awards for the best and worst of the year’s movies. Along with the awards, top 10 lists seem like a good way to match our level of pretension against the likes of Stephen Hunter, film critic at the Washington Post, and A.O. Scott, critic at the New York Times. When reading these, it is important to remember that we are not professional critics; no one has seen every movie this year, and certain key movies (i.e. “Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”) have not been screened yet.

Worst Movie of the Year
“Gigli”

Best Range- From Drag Racer to Confused Time Traveller
Paul Walker in “2 Fast 2 Furious” and “Timeline”

Best Film About an American Teenager Trying on Outfits and Falling Over in a European Country
(Tie) “The Lizzie McGuire Movie” and “What a Girl Wants”

Best Use of Sweat on an Actor to Improve His Acting Skills
Colin Farrell in “The Recruit,” “Phone Booth” and “S.W.A.T.”

Worst Adaptation of a Comic Book
“Hulk”

Best Adaptation of a Comic Book
“American Splendor”

Best Villain
Rucker the super-powered Nazi from “Bulletproof Monk”

Best Hispanic Love Triangle
“Chasing Papi”

Letdown of the Year
“The Matrix” Sequels

Worst “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” Remake
(Three-way Tie)
“Texas Chainsaw Massacre”
“House of 1000 Corpses”
“Wrong Turn”

Best Face-Off with Horrifying Results
“Freddy vs. Jason,” with “Anger Management” a close second

Wussiest Performance
Nick Stahl as John Conner in “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”

Best Sex Scene
Billy Bob Thornton and a random heavyset woman in the “Big & Tall” dressing room in “Bad Santa”
 
Best Use of the Letter “Z” in the Title
“Biker Boyz”

Most Obvious Example that Disney Doesn’t Have a Clue
“Brother Bear”

Most Obvious Example that Pixar Does
“Finding Nemo”

Worst Bastardization of Dr. Seuss
“The Cat in the Hat”

Best Fight
The Bride vs. Go Go Yubari, The Crazy 88, Johnny Mo and O-Ren Ishii in “Kill Bill: Vol. 1”

Best Duo
Sean Connery and his ridiculously enormous hat in “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”

Best Soundtrack
The nu-metal opus that was the soundtrack to “Daredevil”

Best Song
“This Is What Dreams are Made Of” from “The Lizzie McGuire Movie”
 
Best Comedic Performance by an Ensemble Cast
“A Mighty Wind”

Best Unintentionally Comedic Performance by an Ensemble Cast
“Gigli”

Best Porn That Does Not Feature Any Actual Sex or (Total) Nudity
“Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle”