Somewhere up in heaven, the pogo ball and the snap-bracelet are having one hell ofa laugh at us humans. They’re laughing, not so much for the fact that we accepted them into our lives, but because we have once again allowed another cheaply-made product to fulfill our American-gadget-hungry fantasies.
So, as we empty our wallets at the shopping mall, a small corner in heaven is quietly being set aside for the scooter.
Unless you’ve been hiding out in a Nepalese cave, or are my former housemate Mike, who only emerged during the night hours to eat and smoke cigarettes, you’ve probably seen this latest trend in transportation. I mean, how could you not? It seems everywhere I turn these days, any direction, any time of day, I see something… which makes sense because my eyes are still functional. However, more and more I am seeing these scooters. Everyone from students, to businessmen, to, yes, even Strom Thurman are getting in on the action. Alright, the Strom thing I can’t back up. But, I imagine that if given the chance he would gleefully ride one of these things around the Capitol… or at least until he breaks his hip rolling over an ant.
Now, while I actually do think that these are mildly, and I stress mildly, practical due to their light weight and foldability (new word!), I look to history to answer the question of whether or not this will last.
Me: Hello, History.
History: Sup, bi-atch!
Me: Tell me, History, do you think these scooters will last?
History: I’m History, yes I’m the real History, all you other Histories are just imitating, so won’t the real History please stand up… please stand up!
History: Sorry. Well, Jarrett, to answer your question, I would have to say no. These scooters will not last.
Me: Really? How come?
History: Over the decades there have been many attempts to create small, personal modes of transportation. The most simple of these is the rollerblade. Put one on each foot and you’re off. It is far more practical than a scooter of any size and foldability.
Me: Then why do we not see businessmen going to work with rollerblades, History?
History: Ah, the answer to your question is not simple. However, I will give you my best answer: BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE AN A—HOLE!
Well, folks, you heard it here first. I didn’t say it. It was History… the guy who brought us such memorable events as the Boston Tea Party, Vietnam, and The Magic Hour.
Personally, like I said, I think that these things are somewhat practical and even more so than the rollerblade. But, I couldn’t agree with History more (being that, unless the Germans write him, it is impossible for him to be wrong) that, yes, it is hard not to look like a weenie. Which is why I now propose a solution. I think all the new scooter-cats should toughen up their image by wearing helmets…neon helmets.
Anyway, let’s all sit back and enjoy this race to see what dies away first…the scooter trend or Strom. My money is on the scooters.