The days of new pencil cases and shiny staplers are over; the back-to-school supply list has a fresh item headlining it, required by men and women alike for a sexually successful school year: the vibrator.
As seniors, many women have cut their romantic attachments and are discovering what all the buzz is about. Their old boyfriends just don’t make the cut after three years of intense Washington experience. After life-changing travels to the beds of men abroad, more and more seniors are satisfying themselves during this period of transition, when interning and job-shopping are claiming the time slot of the boyfriend sex topping.
The vibrator will keep you coming all day and night, leaving you with a wild grin minus the draining fake orgasm and messy edible body paint. There is no commitment, no long walks on the beach. The vibrator is the gift that keeps on giving, and giving ... orgasms. No messy spit or swallow, or kinky sex tricks, just simple selfish pleasure.
Dorm dwellers may have a more difficult time finding the privacy needed to vibrate the day away. Having a roommate only feet away in the next bed may inhibit the use of such a tool. May I recommend the shower, which is practically soundproof? Or I suggest using it late at night so that while your roommate wanders in dreamland, you can fondle your way to ecstasy.
Men are starting to realize that vibrators can help them study the female orgasm. Many women don’t climax during sex. While reciting the ABCs into her crotch may have been recommended by “Maxim,” nothing produces the ultimate orgasm like a vibrator. It is a turn-on for many men to watch their women overwhelmed by the pleasure. It has porn appeal.
When men hear of this new craze most are excited and relieved that the pressure to make a girl climax can be alleviated with a quick trip to the Pleasure Palace. No man can vibrate like that.
A vibrator isn’t effective unless used properly. It can be used for clitoral and/or internal stimulation. Don’t be alarmed if it causes women to quiver, shake and moan loudly-this is the desired effect.
Now vibrators, like white-out or staplers, can be dangerous school supplies. If left on too high a vibration level, a vibrator can burn a woman’s clitoris, leaving it overly swollen and possibly numb for a short period of time. Also, if not cleaned properly, they can cause bacterial infections. The vibrator, like cigarettes, online shopping and fantasy football, can easily become any college student’s newest addiction.
Now, it’s normal to feel a bit anxious before testing out this new equipment. A girthy, mean vibrating machine can appear intimidating due to some of the neon colors, remote controls, spikes around the plastic balls and enormous batteries required to operate such an apparatus. Vibrators like the Rabbit Pearl, the vibrator raved about on “Sex and the City,” sound like they contain a V6 engine, but the loud buzzing will soon fade away with the clatter of thunderous moaning.
With the knowledge of three years of college under my belt, I have learned that a man can’t be responsible for my sexual know-how. Men have to get to know your body, explore it and learn after much practice what it takes to make you wake up your neighbors. To men, learning to work a woman’s individual body is like probing a newly discovered island, and exploration can be time-consuming and in many cases inconclusive.
The vibrator is a man’s key to earning an A in the bedroom.
Now, let’s dispel the vibrating myths keeping many men and women from owning this much needed school supply. Vibrating doesn’t mean women lose interest in men or sex or dating, for that matter. The vibrator is only the beginning of all that AU women and men have to learn during their four years at school.
Vibrators give women sexual know-how and power; the ability to get off whenever and wherever they like, without relying on a man, or faking interest in a dud of a dude. Vibrators help women know more of what they like, what they want and it allows them to get it. They help men to get women off quick, easy and at the push of a button.
It’s time all AU students purchase the ultimate school supply, which may be one day sold in a university book store near you!