Every year before Thanksgiving, The Eagle reflects on the past few months and the people, University offices and issues that have made our headlines. The Golden Turkey Awards are intended as a spoof on AU campus news of the last year. If we promise not to whine, we hope you’ll join us in this not-so-serious trip down memory lane. So, without further ado, the golden envelope, please ...
The “Next Stop New Jersey” Award:
Goes to AU Abroad. They’ve just added Mexico and the United Arab Emirates to its abroad sites and is looking to add Ireland (Yeah Ireland!) next fall. The most surprising addition to AU Abroad is a new program in Canada. Forget the hills of Tuscany, Tower of London and South African lains! AU Abroad’s Web site boasts that Ottawa will “Oblige you to think more profoundly about U.S. policies.” What’s next? An AU “Abroad” program in Trenton that urges students to think about the N.J. Turnpike’s impact on interstate drivers?
The “Inspector Closeau/Blue Light Special” Award:
Goes to Public Safety. Apparently, the mental hospital-esque, dim, blue “safety” lights around campus serve as a threat to potential predators. Think again, Public Safety. The not-so-prominent locations of these lights may have something to do with the fact that the “groper” chose to attack girls in dimly lit places like the amphitheater and gardens.
The “Joe Millionaire Europe” Award:
Goes to David the millionaire. Believe it or not, Fox did it again. But this time, instead of a mixed bag of do-gooders and former S&M models, these Euro-trash babes don’t try to hide the fact that they’re after this Texan cowboy for his money. Sure, the show’s trashy, but nothing beats David, the supposed millionaire’s, day-long lesson on European geography.
The “Sexual Liberation” Award:
Goes to Britney Spears. With its infectious hooks, thumping beats and that song about masturbation, “In The Zone” will send Britney straight to the top of the charts. And the image of her wacking off is a nice bonus.
The “Girls Gone Wild” Award:
Goes to Hurricane Isabel. Girl-on-girl-on-mud action has never been so hot! Like the hurricane itself, these amateur mud wrestlers blew us away as they destroyed the Quad with reckless abandon, besmirching their bikini-clad bodies - as well as the walls of the residence halls and the couches of Mary Graydon Center.
The “Immovable Object” Award:
Goes to the Bender Arena floor. This floor costs more than a prostitute to get picked up and laid. And once basketball season starts, forget about it. We’ll just keep losing big name bands to big name schools for the sake of our decrepit floor that used to belong to a high school.
The “Best Actor in a Drama Series” Award:
Goes to the General Assembly. Upon accepting this award, the GA wished to thank its inflated sense of self, the soon-to-be-diagnosed antisocial personalities of its members, and, of course, the literary elements of figurative language, hyperbole, sensationalism and interpersonal conflict, without which any GA meeting would be just another string of incoherent, irrelevant ramblings.
The “Phantom EagleBuck$” Award:
Goes to Jamba Juice, Chik-Fil-A and American Pi. Each meal in a student’s meal plan is worth $9 or more, if you do the math. Yet when students get chicken nuggets or Peenya Kowladas on their meal plan the total comes to $5 and change, or $6 and change, and the student loses a meal block. The extra $3 or $4 seems to disappear into oblivion like socks in a McDowell dryer.
The “We Got Food! Award”:
Goes to Jamba Juice, Chik-Fil-A and American Pi for actually being open most of the time students are hungry. Students can even use their meal plans there after 6 p.m. (unless you want a Strawberries Wild on a Friday) and even during lunch. Thanks for listening to us. Now, if only we could eat food there on Saturdays, and if only we knew how to get our phantom EagleBuck$ back.
The “Zach Morris Award”:
Goes to what used to be called the Tavern. All the bright colors and fluorescent lighting remind us more of “Saved by the Bell” than the classier, more darkly-lit Tavern that upperclassmen remember. Apparently the powers that be wanted it to look like Cosi.
Fast Track to Office Mismanagement Award:
Goes to WAMU for squandering millions of dollars. Thanks guys, we’re really glad you lost it instead of going to something necessary, like scholarships or something.
The Warped Tour Award:
Goes to the Student Union Board. The Ataris, Andrew W.K. and every hardcore and punk band in the D.C.-Maryland-Virginia area. Leave it to SUB and they’ll bring ‘em in.
The “If you don’t arrest an Eagle staffer, the terrorists will have won” Award:
Goes to White House security. The top-notch security comes through and arrests Eagle photographer Rick Steele for the crime of taking photos of White House police officers.
The “Drunk, spoiled child” Award:
Goes to the Ataris. While we were all very impressed that frontman Kris Roe thought he deserved a bigger venue than the Tavern and that the Ataris could draw a Dashboard Confessional-size crowd, anyone who went to the show knew better. The Ataris breached its contract, didn’t play its “hit” cover song, showed up drunk, trashed MGC 245 and bored the audience with talk about politics. Maybe there should also be a “bastard” award for Kris Roe.