• Dear summer class professor, I don’t care if you were leaving for London the day after class ended. I want my freaking grade already — it has been a month. Maybe you shouldn’t have had two papers due that last week …
• After spending six weeks running around to campus attending meetings with just about every academic resource including my advisor, I have concluded that NOBODY at AU actually knows the SIS graduation requirements. I can’t wait to graduate and be done with AU crap.
• Abroad I met the most intelligent sophisticated and interesting friends ever. Being back around AU students makes me feel my brain is turned to mush. The only thing that interests AU students is getting laid.
• Dear Editors, Again you forgot to include the leave eagle rant here button on the July 22nd issue of Rants. That’s two weeks in a row. Not trying to do your job for you, but …
EDITOR’S NOTE: We’re sorry! We’re still on summer vaca, too, you know. Sometimes between the internships and the happy hours, we drop the ball. Thanks for picking up the slack!
• To the person who thinks Eagle Rants are pathetic: If they are so pathetic then why are you reading and commenting on them. Please go back to your World of Warcraft game, Cheetos, and porn. We don’t want you here.
• So my credit card bill is due in two days, and my mom (who said she would pay my monthly credit bill, which consists of only groceries, each month while I’m in college) says she isn’t paying it. FML.
• So my mom had 5 extra cars in her garage, but won’t let me have one to drive to grad school each day. Ghetto bus system, here I come.
• It’s a good thing I have Disney channel. Otherwise, I would be very depressed.
• I love how my mom and stepdad are vacationing in Spain all summer; my dad and step-mom are vacationing in Germany all summer; and I’m stuck in Michigan all summer with no car, no air conditioning and no money. FML.
• Why does my mom like my narcissistic sister better than me?
• I love how my long distance boyfriend doesn’t call me to say goodnight, but his shy, nerdy roommate does. Time for a boyfriend switch? I think so. But I don’t want to be the slut who dumped her BF for his roommate. How do I avoid this conundrum?
• I’m so lonely I bought a hallmark card that said something nice, and sent it to myself. I signed it from an imaginary boyfriend.
I really need to get laid.
• I miss the amazing professors at AU. If I have to listen to my mom and uncle talk about sports and TV shows for one more minute I’m going to lose it.
• I just wanna dance.
• I haven’t eaten fruit in over a week. I’m pretty sure I’m about to get scurvy or some other medieval disease.
• I really wish I had the kind of parents I see on TV shows.
• I know AU is like all atheist and everything, but I really miss the emotional support of my prayer group from high school. Maybe AU could have some sort of hippie meditation group or something?
• I haven’t gone to the spa in like two weeks. Help!
• Dear boyfriend,
Even if my text is not a question, YOU STILL NEED TO RESPOND IN A TIMELY MANNER!
k thanks bye
• I love, love, love how my grad school is completely smoke free. AU, It’s sad that a rural southern campus is more progressive than you when it comes to campus health policies.
– Love, a recent AU grad who loved AU but hated the constant struggle to breathe clean air
• It’s the end of the world as we know it. At least we still have the Daily Show and Colbert Report …
• I’m starting my fifth year at AU and this is when I finally become homesick.
• Being a congressional intern is possibly the most miserable job experience of my life.
• Tim McBride is so cute when he’s speaking. Too bad I’m not his type.
• Lots of fresh meat coming my way soon!!!!
• Just wanted to say that this fall I am saying goodbye to AU and going to a university in CA with a SMOKE FREE campus! Couldn’t be more excited.
• Office of the Registrar: When do you plan on informing me who my final two professors are? I’m trying to figure out where the cheapest place to buy books is and if I don’t find out soon then this will become a problem. The places that are cheaper don’t always have the fastest shipping! This is a real problem for struggling students.