• Tavern, please stick to an ordering system. It's best for everyone.
• I hate when people say they hate/don't care about politics and act like it's an excuse for not voting. Or act like they're “above” the whole process because elections don’t affect them.
• Dear fellow freshmen on my floor,
Most of you are pretty cool people. However, as a collection, you are not so cool. Leaving the lounge a mess nearly every night is not acceptable. Is it really that hard to throw away a pizza box? Is it really that hard to put your soda bottle in the recycling container? Also, the nonstop screaming and yelling coming the lounge has got to stop, especially during quiet hours. I like to go to sleep at a reasonable hour and I am often prevented from doing such because of your loud noise. Please grow up! You are in college now — act mature enough to make me believe you deserve to be here. Also, the sophomores on our floor are not crazy nor are they sick or diseased. Please don't treat them as such. Be respectful of them and other freshman. Grow up, please! I only ask that you do not scream all the time and that you clean up the lounge.
A very disgruntled freshman floormate
• Reading over the lengthy E.R. column from 11/12 I noticed that about 60% of all the rants could have been solved at the time of occurrence. Please people, stop being passive-aggressive and let others know if they are
-a terrible roommate
-making too much noise in the library
-a slow mover in food lines, etc.
What may be so blindingly obvious to you may never have crossed their minds! Stop grinding your teeth in frustration and just talk it out
--An apparently loud chewer now on the road to recovery
• Every time you talk on the quiet floor of the library, a puppy dies AND a fairy loses her wings.
WAS IT WORTH IT?
• As if defining the relationship weren't hard enough, try finding the appropriate context to bring it up. *sigh*
• Zedislopedis I miss the 90s!!
• It makes me sad that all the D.C. bouncers think my real ID is a fake. Dude, I can't afford to drink at your club anyway. I just want to shake my booty a little. Is that so much to ask?
• Just in time for the holidays: Four Cocoa!
• I am having so much more sex in college than I expected. Pleasant surprise to say the least.
• I rant because I Kant stop.
And there will Zeno end to my terrible jokes until I have procrastinated fully. Now, to make some Platatoe Salad...
• You know how in Jurassic Park the lead velociraptor sneaks up on Muldoon from the side and he's all, "Clever girl.” That's how I feel every time I'm on my computer and look up to see it's 4 a.m.
• Ranters gon' rant.
• There are some fierce green sweatshirts that some of the groundskeepers have been rocking, they are green with a yellow eagle on the sleeve.
Book store, get on that shit. Aren't we in conservation nationals?
AND I think that they said “The American Dream is Green” on the back, call me a dork but I want this. Now.
• Dear ranters:
-For the person we woke up with the protest, I sincerely apologize, though we couldn't really have predicted that at 2 p.m. But we appreciate your support nonetheless, doubly so for the annoyance.
-For the visual arts student who complains about the noise of performing arts rehearsals: blame the poorly constructed "soundproof" building. We have to rehearse, and it's not really our fault that the facility is subpar.
-For the person disappointed in the quality of the “Band Geeks” protest: most of those present were singers. But, with respect to your suggestion, we'll rehearse our protest material next time. How would you feel about some Mahler?
-For the editors: THANK YOU for your continued support of the student movement to Save AU Music!
• Thanks to the AUVets for celebrating Veterans Day on Thursday. It was cool to hear silence fall over the quad as the flag came down and the trumpet was played. Well done!
• Dear AU, your Volleyball team went undefeated in the Patriot League and is hosting the Patriot League playoffs on Sat. Nov. 20 and Sun. Nov. 21. How about you come out and support them so there are more than 50 people at their game this time. Thanks.
• I cringe at the thought of all the unborn lives that are lost due to masturbation. I humbly urge members of AU Students for Life to criminalize masturbation since every sperm cell lost to masturbation had the potential for human life. Every day trillions of sperm cells are ruthlessly killed one stroke at a time. Stop the genocide! Ban masturbation!
• Hey, person in my history class:
If you're having an extended coughing fit in the middle of class, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Not only can the rest of us not hear the professor's lecture, it's also freaking disgusting. That's what water fountains and the like are there for.
• Dear Letts people who think the Anderson folk are ruining your energy conservation: I just wanted to let you know that whenever I "rudely" walk through the bridge doors that are two feet from my room and invade "your" space I make sure to TURN OFF the bathroom lights after your oh-so-green community has LEFT THEM ON.
Someone living on the Anderson bridge who hates long walks when she really has to pee
• "Why don’t we have bigger condoms in the women’s resource center?"
Just a word of advice -- the condom is supposed to fit, not be loose. Contrary to popular beliefs, "Trojan Magnum" condoms only fit less than 10% of the male population and chances are YOU'RE not in that top 10. THIS MEANS: The majority of males are in denial, are average, and should embrace who they are and not what society says they should be. LADIES, DON’T LET HIM FOOL YOU. YOUR CHANCE OF BECOMING PALIN #2 INCREASE WHEN HE SLIPS.
• I like that the Tavern workers are mean to me. I am a white male with an unnecessarily large scholarship, great family and great friends, life has given me every opportunity. Being yelled at when asking for dressing for my 10 dollar salad makes me feel like I am finally feeling just a little bit of injustice.
Thank you Tavern, you make me feel alive.
• Dear Neighbor,
Is it really necessary to let your door slam so hard the walls shake EVERY time you enter/leave your room? Newsflash: our shared wall is paper-thin! Please be a little more considerate!!
Your peaceful, quiet, non-door-slamming neighbor.
• AU IS A GIANT DREAM CRUSHING MACHINE.
• Remember when the person complaining about people using improper grammar in their rants...used improper grammar?!? "If someone from another college read these"=grammar fail. Now I know why college writing is a required class.
• I'm transferring asap.
• I'd love to watch The Life Aquatic with you. Find me.
• Hey girls next door,
I don't know if you all are aware, but you have terrible music taste. So until you stop playing "Like a G6" on repeat, I will be blasting lo-fi ad nauseum/as loud as possible. Enjoy!
• Our volleyball team is sooooooooo hot. My lord. If any of you are single let's hang out ....
• Dear Hipsters,
You're not hipsters. Get over yourselves.
• Re SA hours:
Longer hours might be a good idea if SA weren't so wonking retarded and incompetent to begin with.
• Have you tried to push open one of those handicap-accessible doors?! It’s freaking hard to open some of them, and I will also push the button if I damn well please.
• Protesters against the refusal of Prof. Berard's tenure on the quad last Wednesday had a hard time staying together for lack of proper conducting... oh wait...
• Dear members of the chorus, this is a fight FOR our orchestra director, NOT against your choral director. We should be celebrating all amazing professors at AU! So take some risks and help us fight this injustice.
• Eagle, why does your Facebook page alert me that a new Eagle is up at midnight??! That means I stay up an hour longer than I really need to, reading rants! I want to go to sleep, BUT I WANT TO READ MY RANTS!!!
• Its Prof. Berard's b-day today... tenure would be a nice birthday present. Just sayin’.
• I determine the length of my essays not by the number of pages, but how many times I have to plug in my laptop to recharge while I'm writing it.
• WONK: Whimsically Oblivious to our Needs and Koncerns. That would be a perfect way to describe the AU administration, except that they're better at spelling than I am.
• two all-nighters in a row? thanks AU.
• Dear Soccer player in Withdrawal:
There totally are! We have a text chain, you gotta get in on it!
Come to McDowell sometime, you'll find one of us.
A soccer chick
• Just because I say hi to you does NOT mean I am interested in you romantically, it means I want to be FRIENDS. It makes me want to run the other way screaming when you take me saying “hi” in the tavern to mean-- "Hey, I’m getting naked later, want to join?" NO. STOP BEING CREEPY AND DUMB.
• To the person who is worried about the choral director you respect — he has made it clear to many of us that we should do what we believe is right. He will respect you more if you stand up for what you believe. It does not go "against him" and he has tried to stay out of all of this. Make music not war!
• "I can’t support a cause that goes against another person who has earned my devout respect and admiration as a professor and choral director over the course of a semester."
How does Berard's tenure "go against" another professor???? This person seems to know something sensational. Dirty departmental politics? Corruption? What a shame if that's why AU is losing a seemingly amazing professor...although he probably deserves to be with a better institution!
• Why would Professor Berard's tenure go against the choral director? Need further explanation.
At this point, though, this issue seems to go beyond such nasty departmental politics anyway.
Being ignored by the administration, even by the President, should anger everyone on campus.
If students don’t come first, then the school doesn't deserve to get the money from us.
This is a great opportunity for all AU students to fight for justice!!
• Hey AU, quick tip, you can't publicly support our Veterans if you refuse to actually support the military. Stop treating ROTC like crap.
• I miss my boyfriend. Is there a such thing as cuddle-porn I can watch?
• I don't know how to masturbate...
• Can the art students put up their art in more places around campus besides just Katzen? McKinley building could use some aesthetic love.
• I still love you. But I don't know if I can trust you anymore.
• I love my classes. I love this campus. I love all the activities always going on. I love the motivated students who go here. I love the city of D.C. I'm so glad I came to this school.
• I'm your biggest fan. I'll follow you until you love me.
• I just got engaged. Are there any other engaged students on campus? I want a friend to talk about wedding plans with who is going through the same thing.
• I hate how Girl Talk is mainstream now. Night Ripper is way better than Feed the Animals aaand All Day. Who wants to discuss?
• I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!
• From the article on tenure: "The new manual is more specific in it’s requirements than the last, according to Diascro." ITS!
• The entire first floor of the library smells like feet today. WTF, AU, WTF.
• I'm also looking for a cute indie boy to go see shows with and go thrifting with. I may not dress indie, but I am. Step out of the "hipster” box. Come find me.
• To the hipster girl complaining about a lack of hipster guys on campus, where the fuck have you been? I’m a guy and pretty damn hipster, and I see tons of guys like me everywhere.
Hit up WVAU sometime. Hipster Central, USA.
• Hey, remember when NYU got Dr. Dog AND Big Boi to play a show on campus, and AU decided to bring such AMAZING acts as Super Mash Bros, B.O.B., and State Radio to campus? Hah good times.
P.S.- Remember B.O.B.? Hah, me neither.
• I AM FREAKING OUT HENCE THE INORDINATE USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS AND THE UNNESSECARY RUN ON OF MY SPELLING AND THE REDICULOUSLY STRANGELY SADLY HORRIBOLE SPEELLING ERRORS AND ALSOE, FURTHERMORE, HENCEFORTH THE USE OF ADVERBS AND EQUALLY ODD WORDS THAT MOREOVER DON'T BELONG IN.
• Can it be Christmas now? Pleaaaaaaaaaaase?
• Thanksgiving is next week. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN.
• How am I supposed to practice my mawashi geri's if I can't kick the handicap button outside of MGC?
- A Ninja-In-Training
• Where are all the other lonely people? I have no roommate and no one to just hang out with. Trying to push through this year with decent grades so I can transfer but I'm tired of being alone!
• I didn't sign up to go to a trade school. Why does AU keep pushing "internships" and "networking" so much? This is a liberal arts college. We should be exploring different fields of academia, not specializing in one area and giving up classes to intern. We have the rest of our lives to work and only a few years to take classes in any subject we want.
• Why is there no tampon box in the MGC bathroom stall by the TDR stairs? This is not acceptable. Women's Initiative, please get on this. This is a serious women's issue.
• AU needs to make its campus non-smoking or at least have only certain areas where smoking is allowed! If the school is so environmentally friendly I don't understand why everyone smokes. It’s disgusting and I'm sick of walking to class in a haze of gross smoke.
• I thought we connected. Why did you ditch me?
• You may think you know me, but you have no idea.
• I'm thinking of buying my first dildo. Brand suggestions?
• I want to kiss you slowly, make love to you passionately, watch you sleep at night, wake up in your arms, whisper sweet things in your ear, tell you I will never leave you, let you know how much I love you.
• Dear Eagle,
"Its" is a possessive adjective, and does not require an apostrophe. "It's" is a contraction of "it" and "is," and the apostrophe is inserted in the place of the missing space and "i." Please use these words correctly in your published articles. It's really very simple.
• If I were the type to go to frat parties, or bars, or wherever these kinds of things happen, I would find a nice girl, trick her into thinking she wanted a one-night-stand, take her back to my room... and fall asleep cuddling with her. Because I don't know how to say that's all I want from the get-go. It's just that the nights are getting colder.
If she could hold a conversation, I'd cook her breakfast in the morning, too.
• How come nobody likes jazz? FOREVERALONE
• WVAU: Your music sucks, and your radio shows are stupid. Now turn off the music you have blasting on MGC 2 and let the rest of us get on with our lives.
• Boy it would be nice to see an Eagle Editorial calling for transparency in the AUCC Budget process. They control a lot of money and are not held accountable for their decisions.
• Dear Dumb Biddies at TDR,
The cafeteria is not a place to recount how much fun you had last night after you blacked out. Come to think of it, you shouldn’t be glad you blacked out. It’s not something to be proud of. Maybe you should be sitting in a therapist office instead of TDR?
• To the AU athletes on my floor:
It's okay to say “'Hi” or “How are you?” to me. I'm not a freak of nature, I swear.
-A "normal” AU student
• A note to all movements on campus and future movements to come. While I'm sure it makes you feel good to do lash out against and vilify your critics, it's not a good way to get them on your side.
• I can't believe how messy my roommates are. They leave dirty dishes everywhere and never clean up after themselves. I feel like I'm their mother cleaning up after them. Whenever I stop to "teach them a lesson" they are perfectly content living in filth. I've addressed the issue with them several times but nothing seems to work. I like them dearly as friends but I cannot live like this anymore! Help?
• Suggested code for lonely people: look each-other in the eyes and say "Hi, you seem nice, what's your name?"
• Does college ruin relationships? I thought that we were above this.
• Really, BBall Refs? A "sportsmanship" foul after our EPIC dunk Wednesday night?
• Dear South Side Resident,
You are incredibly nice and an amazing RA, but your early morning and late night singing and loud TV watching is starting to grind my gears. Please remember that the walls are paper thin, and adjust your living habits accordingly as it would be really awkward to approach you on this subject.
• Thanks to the basketball fans who actually cheered for the Pep Band — the band is amazing and don't get enough support!
• So I pay an exorbitantly high tuition to go here and I can't register for the classes I need for my major? Thanks, AU <33333
• AU students complain a lot. I think I'll stay abroad for another semester.
• To all international students at AU: stop stereotyping all Americans into the same category. Take a trip to the Deep South and than take a look around before you start assuming things. I think my accent, dress and hospitality alone gives it away.
• AU for Life — shut the hell up. Abortion is not genocide, and to compare the two is incredibly offensive.
• Based on all these rants I've been reading, I feel like AU should have a dating site.
• Editor, my dearest. I am sure what this young woman or man means is a sex column actually about sex. You know, that juicy, wet, sometimes dirty thing that all animals do (or think about doing)? I am SURE she is not referring to that safe, vanilla, pg-13 little column that runs every once and a while. I will answer the burning questions that our sexually frustrated campus has and is too scared to ask, tell of personal stories (but always vague on the names and dates, of course), discuss techniques, and sometimes even get all science-y on your sweet little asses.
The Potential Sex Columnist.
• No one comments any more! Could you please change the commenting system back to the way it was? I enjoyed reading the comments just as much as the rants.
• To the boy who pondered the ice cream selection with me Wednesday night: Yes, I too struggle to select something from the Eagle's Nest every time I go, though I'm not sure whether that's because of the incredible variety...or incredulous prices. Sorry for being nonresponsive, you had me flustered. Oh, and you're cute.
• I don’t know whose musical selections are worse: The Basketball Band or Will Schuester.
• I love the sign on the shuttle bus that says "Just because we won't pray in your school, doesn’t mean you can't think in our Church." It's too bad that "thinking" doesn't apply to methodist schools too....
• I heard that Statler and Waldorf were being replaced on the Muppets as the Critics. Now it's Kerwin and Bass.
• The Paper was a good movie. Yet, I think the role was miscast. Charlie as Henry Hackett would have been amazing.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I am so flattered.
• Forget Eagle Rants, can we have LoLEaglez?
• Pace University's Director of Cultural Events was arrested for child porn. Does this surprise anyone?
• I was so sad to hear that a "Queer Thanksgiving" didn't involve Marcy and Peppermint Patty.