• How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but first he has to rewire the entire building.
• Want to hear another journalism joke? “The AU Examiner!”
• Eagle Writers do it on a tight timetable.
Eagle Writers do it on the front page.
Eagle Writers do it with special editions.
Eagle Writers do it with cameras and tape recorders.
• How do you tell if a copy editor is dead? The pizza is untouched.
• Why is an Eagle headline like a Scud missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate.
• How awesome was the ski chalet party last week?
• Hey kid, don’t show up to a meeting late and then proceed to interrupt every five seconds. Thanks
• I’ve seen you, but never met you. But I’d like to! You’ll know it’s me by the way I smile at you next time I see you
• I seriously hope that AU students have more meaningful lives. The postponement of the Founders’ Day Ball has created a rift between young naive student “politicians” and wannabe Cub Scout politicians. As of this rant, there are 61 comments about the event. Don’t you all have better things to discuss or have more meaningful things in your life?
• Saturday night I hooked up with a 60-year-old guy. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it made him so happy. He called my dick pretty. That’s the most insulting thing I ever heard.
• What fucking moron just jaywalks right in front of an oncoming bus? Seriously, you’re parents pay $47,000 a year for you to get an education, yet you lack common sense.
• Working at the Phoneathon has taught me just one thing so far: The Eagle is a poorly written piece of crap. I now choose to stare at a blank screen over reading the garbage this “news paper” spews out.
EDITOR’S NOTE: First ... that’s offensive. Second ... if you say that again I’m going to call your supervisor and tell her that all you guys do is read Eagle Rants. You are a poorly written piece of crap. Also, learn how to spell your employer’s name right.
• Can the goddamn Eagle fix their website so Firefox Adblock doesn’t block the articles? I mean, it’s clever, but I’d like to be able to read this trash without using Internet Explorer.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Fixed! Thanks for the heads up.
• Why do those stupid ledges have to be on the Anderson Computing Complex desks?!!? Who else bangs their shin 20 times every time you work in there?? OW!
• Tom Schad: The most insightful sports columnist since Tony Kornheiser. Though Jeffy Jones may stick an Eagle’s head in his dorm bed.
• It’s after 4 a.m. and I’m restless. Anyone know the arboretum prostitute’s hours?
• To Chris, the Zete Pledge: You’re cute. I like your hipster sweater.
• QUIT SPAMMING COLLEGE ACB, I want to read what people think about me.
• I can’t stand emoticons :(
• Rants = twitter that people I know are forced to read
• My roommate farts in his/her sleep. Gross.
• Is the Hughes elevator on the right possessed by the devil, or is this a mere haunting by vengeful spirits? Those doors are eerily sluggish.
• Tonight Pinky, We take over the world!
• Eagle Rants are taking over the WORLD!
• Can Z-Burger please deliver?
• During snowpocalypse I cried when I had no food and the card reader was disabled in the vending machines.
• Can we get ice cream in the vending machines somehow?
• When I dip. You dip. We dip. Prolific words.
• I’m bad at keeping secrets. Eagle Rants probably a bad outlet for me.
• Can we add Wednesdays to the list of acceptable days to drink?
• So many rants so little time.
So many freshman girls so little time.
• Love Actually > Valentine’s Day
• Pretty girl working at info desk in MGC. Lets hang out sometime.
• Just shout whenever, and I’ll be there.
• Told Ya’ll I was gonna bump like this..
• Days later ... There is still a major laceration from her tongue ring. Def bringing her home to mom.
• Rants. Rants. Rants. Rants. Rants. Rants. Rants. Rants. Rants. (shots shots shots shots)
• When v day doesn’t mean valentines day to you.. but reminds you that you’re a virgin.. Something needs to be done asap.
• I wish the canopy had fallen into TDR so they could get our dining hall out of the basement ... wishful thinking.
• Justin Bieber ... will you marry me?
• Dear Guapos,
If you’re wondering what happened to that sack full of avocados Saturday night.. I may know where to find them…
• Dear Lounge people,
Get the Fuck out the lounge! WHY are you AlWaYs In ThErE?!?!? Do you not have a dorm room? It’s not cool to play video games at 3:30 a.m. on a Tuesday. Do you not need sleep? Are you mutants?! AHHHH AU!!!!!
• I wonder if Jeff Jones reads the Eagle Rants ... Or better yet saw that article blaming him for everything wrong. But just to add to that, this is only his second “losing” season in 10 years. Cut the man some slack.
• Has everyone really lost faith in our men’s basketball team? Fair weather fans sicken me. Where has your school spirit gone? Stop blaming Jeff Jones. That doesn’t help. And sorry for being cliche but what ever happened to don’t stop believin’? And anyways ... who else is there to root for?
• My laundry has been ready and waiting for the past three days. F-you Hughes 6 laundry room for not accepting our eagle bucks!
’ • Seriously, roommates, stop talking about the Olympics as if you’re experts! You have no clue what you’re talking about and it makes it absolutely painful to watch them with you.
• WTF AU SHUTTLE?!
I was late to my class and missed a quiz because you were slow. If school is running so should you, it’s never been this bad before.
If you’re going to be slow, then at least notify us so we can walk to campus - in the street, because sidewalks are still not shoveled.
• People making out in the Tavern is NOT OK!!!!!!! NOT OK
• I enjoy laughing at all of the Mercedes Marxists that go to AU and live in D.C.
• I’m really happy that the school can manage to remove the snow from the softball field, but they cannot manage to take care of the snow in the Centennial garage so I can drive my car…... way to go AU.
• We don’t like you, never really have, now please LEAVE OUR ROOM!
• You may not know this, but I consider myself to be a one man wolf pack…...
• I was having a really bad few days, then I ran into you
• Is a shoveled sidewalk too much to ask for? Or one that doesn’t have a mountain of snow in the middle of it?
• Why is AU supporting title loan lenders by playing Eastern Motors at Basketball Games? What’s next, pawn shops? This is in really bad taste and typifies the white elitism at AU by not seeing through the racist policies of Eastern Motors.
• I do agree, bring the AU Threesome BACK!
• Snowburgers made it all worth it
• People should go to the girls games more - they kicked a** against Colgate Saturday!!!
• D.C. really? I was pretty shocked that it’s MONDAY and there are still mountains of snow, ice, and slush everywhere, and AU for opening school on Friday, I almost died having to walk in the street to class, dodging black ice, and having my snow fall into my boots walking in snow that hasn’t even been touched. Thanks so much.
• “I pay 47 k a year therefore I get to act like an asshole”. Welcome to AU.
• Walking from the Berks to Campus means either risking being run over in Mass. Ave rush hour traffic or wading waist deep in the unplowed sections of the sidewalk. Someone’s going to be hurt or worse…
• Single and loving it.
• I have now had two roommates in a row who claim that they cannot sleep unless the room is in pitch-black darkness. I’ve always been able to sleep anywhere, anytime, if I’m tired - Am I crazy to think that a person should be able to sleep with the light on? Or are these two kids acting like princesses?
• So on “sNOw Pants Day” was the issue of Charlie wearing bikini briefs or just regular briefs finally answered?
• “sNOw Pants Day” was a huge success for all good-looking people. Does this mean it wasn’t a good day for you Charlie?
EDITOR’S NOTE: Thanks random mean guy!
• I wish people would stop complaining about the DC bag tax - did you really enjoy those cheap plastic bags that rip so easily, anyway? Reusable bags are so much better and way more durable! Just shut up and save the environment, k?
• I am extremely pissed I didn’t know the date of the Founders Day Ball until it was postponed because of the snow - the ONE event that brings this campus together is always ridiculously unorganized! Come ON SG!! Yes we care about CERF and a good education, but is it really that hard to plan a freaking dance?? And can you keep us informed? Thanks.
• With the new submission box, I can effortlessly reference other Eagle rants without switching between browser tabs. I’m surprised by the innovative thinking, Eagle.
• Friday commute: neighborhood side streets & sidewalks of were better plowed than Massachusetts Avenue. Multiple insurmountable walls of ice & snow on the side of Massachusetts Avenue? Yes, let me hop over this smaller barricade of snow into oncoming morning rush hour traffic so I can get to school. Want to honk at me with your car because I’m walking on the road since there are no available sidewalks? Let me curse at you childishly and through a snowball. Going to arrest me ‘cause you’re an undercover cop? Cool, hope you enjoy the power trip, pig.
Thanks D.C., Thanks American.
• So what the fuck was up with the emergency exits in the basement of Anderson Hall during the fire alarm at 3:30 am this Sunday? I know the AU staff worked hard to clear up most sidewalks on campus, but fire exits should’ve been a top priority!
• First, the RAs were screaming at us to go out the fire exits in the stairwells, only to find out that the EMERGENCY exits were snowed shut. Really AU? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career. Then on the way back in, they made everyone with a guest wait until everyone else had gone back upstairs. This was a popular night for overnight guests since it was Valentine’s Day Weekend, and they didn’t check to make sure each non-AU student went up with an AU student. Didn’t get back in bed until 4:30. Way. to. be.
• To the guy I keep seeing around campus in a Green Bay Packers jacket: let’s be friends. Go Pack Go.