Dear freshman girls with long distance boyfriends: break it off already. It’s not going to work out. This advice will save you countless cell phone minutes, and will save me having to listen to your conversations when I am in the stairwell or the laundry room.
A Republican winning in Mass. is a lot like the Red Sox winning the World Series. It upsets the natural order of things and doesn’t happen all that often.
What type of fish do you serve with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
To my tall blond neighbor,
I think you’re beautiful.
STOP WEARING SKIN TIGHT PANTS!!!
Wearing fake glasses does not make you cool. It makes you a BIGGER LOSER.
I wish my academic adviser would care some more.
Dear AU, why is my average class size 35!!!
When participation is required but there are too many people in the class to let me participate my grade suffers!!
To the girl who won’t shut up in my otherwise awesome class: no one but you cares about your internship on the Hill! Stop talking about it! It’s not relevant at all! (I do, however, admire your ability to mention it every time you open your mouth. Which is all the time.)
Did no one on this campus ever learn how to flush a toilet?! I feel like every other time I walk into a bathroom stall someone forgot to flush. IT’S NOT THAT HARD TO REMEMBER.
I’m glad that cult has stopped meeting in the Hughes formal lounge. Did they all drink poison Flavor Aid, or did they ride off in to space on the tail of a comet?
My New Years resolution: avoid falling for the gay boys. Oh wait, I go to AU. Fail. (P.S. I’m a boy.)
Why do I always fall for the gay tourists?! You’d think I could find a guy on campus, but no, I HAVE to go out and meet boys who are only in town for one week. FML.
Dear Sorority girls in the bathroom,
It is not polite to talk about future pledges being fat and ugly in the public restrooms.
P.S. Next time, flush the toilets.
Ladies, used tampons are flushable. Please flush them instead of leaving them in the in-stall receptacles. The Aramark workers have to deal with enough of you dumb biddies’ bodily fluids as is.
Why would they close the library on Martin Luther King Day?! Doesn’t the university know that I partied and procrastinated all weekend leaving me with piles and piles of work today?
You claim we had a falling out. Perhaps we did, but doesn’t that require that we both know about it? Why was I the last to know about this “falling out,” and why did I have to find out about from one of our mutual friends?
Oh shit, I’m sick at the Health Center is closed on weekends, and I’m puking all over the place! God, help me.
I want to have sex with all of the TDR ladies for serving such good food!
Sex on the quad is like sex on the beach!
Oh baby eat that TDR chicken and lick your fork clean with that hot, juicy mouth. Now go get some more you sexy thang.
I understand there’s a housing shortage, but couldn’t they have grandfathered us 2012ers??
Whose birthday is it? There’s like 100 strippers waiting by the Hughes elevators.
I went home and found out that Lady Gaga is cool because she’s singing bad music “ironically.” Since when?
I may have embraced the legging movement, but I’m honestly sick of all leggings all the time. Especially all leggings, all the time, with Uggs. All the time.
And then listen to sorostitutes bitch and moan about wearing heels to rush. Man the hell up.
The movie star look-alike kids on campus make my day.
As do the people whom you can reference to, like angry freshman with long hair who doesn’t own a jacket, and have a fair number of people know who you’re referring too.
I wonder if I have a nickname…
AU, we have a problem. I like Pepsi. Not Coke.
DO something about it.
Here’s how to solve the housing crisis: adopt higher standards for admittance. We keep breaking records for incoming freshman class sizes (and announcing it like it’s a good thing) but NO ONE wants more frosh around than necessary except for money-grubbing Student Accounts.
-Someone who would’ve liked to stay on campus next year but now can’t
I didn’t realize how GLORIOUS my class schedule could be now that I’m not taking Gen Eds this semester. Lovelovelooove it!
To a guy in my nukes class,
You have beautiful blue eyes.
That is all.
Catchphrase = the most ridiculous game ever made. My team got shit like “to sir with love” and “the halls of montezuma.” The other team got “show down” and “ferris wheel.” Bull shit.