Eagle rants

• Dear TDR,
The whole milk was sour on Thursday. Please fix that.

• Dear new SIS building,
I no longer have a view. This hinders my ability to study.
Love,
Library patron

• What is with the bathrooms in Anderson? There’s the handicap stall, which is always covered in piss. Then there’s the middle stall, which either has a pile of feces in it or piss and feces. Then there’s the stall closest to the door, which has piss all over the floor, but a clean seat. How am I supposed to go the bathroom, especially when time is of the essence?

• It’s Saturday night: I’m alone in my room with nothing to do. I hate my life.

• It’s time for AU to get a real debate team. We lost to Johns Hopkins. If only our debate team could travel more.

• WANTED: Friends that enjoy spending their Friday and Saturday nights exploring D.C. or doing other off-campus activities. This does not include a) playing Xbox all night in the dorms, b) getting completely shitfaced at a frat party/random club, or c) doing homework because you have nothing better to do. Seriously, am I the only one who sees this dichotomy?
Sincerely,
Looking for the middle ground

• Why hasn’t Dr. Kerwin called for a university panel to investigate the misappropriation of CCPS funds?

• Sean Speirs, you make ATV worth watching at 1 a.m. when I’m drunk, sober or simply insomniatic. Please tell me you’re as good looking in real life.

• Attention Straight Male Student Body: my roommate is looking for a potential semi-formal date/snuggle buddy, no strings attached. Interested? Inquire within!

• If you want to waste the $40,000/yr. education you are getting by texting all class long, for god’s sake, get a phone with quieter buttons. The clicking drowned out the professor! And no, you can’t copy my notes after class.

• You know you go to AU when “There’s no school in N.J.” is a perfectly reasonable explanation for being trampled by an influx of prospective students.

• To my roommate who manages to sleep through her 12:45 and 2:10 classes. That’s impressively pathetic.

• Hey Anderson 602 residents, check what’s inside the ceiling tile above your TV. Call it a present from past residents.

• There is so much rotting wood holding up McKinley. Five years from now, that shit is gonna collapse.

• I was tricked into picking up a hard copy of The Eagle ... since when did you guys stop publishing Eagle Rants in that old thing?
EDITOR’S NOTE: I literally lol’d at this rant. I am also offended. Nevertheless, we publish rants based on how much content we have. If there is room, we put ‘em in, if there isn’t, then we don’t.

• To the chick I witnessed taking the elevator up to the second floor in Anderson today: unless you’re injured, don’t be a lazy butt and TAKE THE STAIRS.

• To the cute guy who was standing in front of me during the Matt & Kim concert last month: thanks for letting my friend use your phone, and thanks for being incredibly adorable.

• Nothing makes me happier than seeing 12 or 13 of my Eagle Rants in a row.

• I go to every Honors Program Cake Day. I’ve even gotten my picture taken, grinning like an idiot with a mountain of cake on my plate, for the Honors Program’s Web site. I talk to the students that work in the office, and even make conversation with the staff. I am not in the Honors Program.

• To the whiners about the Anderson Honors lounge: The honors lounge is for all honors students living on Southside. Fortunately for other honors students who are not whiny, self-righteous gits, you do not know every honors student on Southside, therefore you cannot make the claim that others studying in the lounge do not “belong” there.

• As someone eligible to join the Honors Program, I will never self- nominate for fear of being lumped into the category of whiny, condescending douchebags, er I mean, honors kids.

• Waaah, even if I rant about “serious” things, just because I have lady bits, I’m still going to get lumped into the category of “angry, hormonal, PMS-ing, feeble-minded and inferior woman”  by assholes that still think women are inferior to men because it’s “biology.”  Fuck off.

• I’ve never wanted to be a radical anti-man feminist until I read the comments on The Eagle’s editorial specifically about the future Women’s Resource Center. After reading comment after comment, I’m convinced that AU admissions only accepts douche bags to comprise its male population.

• Dear frat boy dressed as the Life Aquatic guy,
I’m sorry if I was really annoying on Saturday night, I thought you were really cute and nice to talk to. Maybe I’ll see you around.

• The Eagle: “American University’s Independent Student Voice Since 1925”
I lol’d hard when I finally noticed this at the bottom of the page.

• Can the Eagle please explain to me why certain idiots are allowed to keep their positions as columnists while exhibiting unprofessional behavior via the comments on the Eagle’s editorial regarding the Women’s Resource Center and the AU Vet’s Resource Center?

• Just because you are in a frat does not mean you have Game!!!

• Since when did midterms week turn into midterm fucking month? Seriously, I’ve had a midterm a week since October 1. This is getting fucking ridiculous.

• Dear AU Males,
I’m not really concerned about how attractive you are. I just have to say, stop flaking out on me during group work. It is as much your responsibility to know what’s going on and participate as it is mine to keep you informed. If you don’t communicate with anyone for weeks, I’m not going to feel bad giving you a negative evaluation. If you have the effing bubonic plague, TELL ME and I’ll work around it. Otherwise, I’m just going to assume that you’re yet another slacker blowing me off.
Yours sincerely,
AU Female

• After eating at Crisp & Juicy, I’m convinced the Tavern should serve fried yucca in lieu of french fries.

• Dear discontented MUN delegate:
As someone who personally knows the frustration the MUN president goes through on a day-to-day basis, maybe you should try talking to her. I promise you, if you aren’t an idiot about it, she will be incredibly helpful and nice. I can pretty much guarantee she has more MUN experience than anyone else in MUN, so she is definitely the most qualified. And oh, the AUMUNC secretary who you think has his business in order?  The MUN President has to review and correct every single e-mail he attempts to send out because they are always missing incredibly important details. So next time, don’t talk about things you know anything about.
K, thanks.
-MUN president’s roommate

• You can tell your girlfriend whatever you want, but you know and I know that you were the one who started it and you KNOW you enjoyed it.

• Long. Distance. Relationships. SUCK.

• I’ve given up sleeping and eating meals, but I still have time to read Eagle Rants. Can I still be AU’s busiest student?

• Highlight of the Macon game: AU Spirit!

• I LOVE MY ROOMMATE! We get along SO PERFECTLY and I can’t believe how lucky I got when I hear about all the psychos out there. I’m so glad!!

• I now look forward to class so I can lock eyes with you from across the room and know that no one else in the class thinks we’re friends, but we know that last weekend was so HOT.

• GIRLS. Stop complaining about not finding straight guys on campus. Go to a frat party or something. I have never had trouble getting hit on by a decent looking guy, and I am an entirely average-looking female. Just stop whining and do something.

• The Sammy tortise was indeed dapper, but let’s be serious here. The hula girl was the real hottie.

• Hey roomie - Stop eating all the fucking gushers.

• To the people who ride bicycles on the sidewalk,
I get it, D.C. drivers are crazy. I can understand your unease to ride in the street. This does not mean that you get to hog the sidewalk that is for PEDESTRIANS first and foremost. If there isn’t enough room to pass the people walking, ride on the grass please. Kthanks.

• As a Red Sox fan, I took personal offense to the Yankees winning the world series on Wednesday. And to their existence in general.
F U A-roid.

• No threesome-takers? For shame, AU! No wonder this school has the rep it does. Sincerely, .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

• To the person that remade “Empire State of Mind” for Philadelphia, you’re pathetic. Philly sucks.

• To the person who wrote “dipset” on the wall of Centennial 1 ... Get more creative. This isn’t Tenley anymore.

• Why has my life become a scene from “The Crucible”?!

• I was really proud of my ability to remember everything that happened on Halloween, until I was informed of the number of girls I drunkenly asked for numbers from so ... this is an apology from “Guy dressed as Kate Gosselin.” I’d also like to apologize for losing all of your numbers, and it’d be greatly appreciated if you could give me your numbers again.

• Course scheduling time: everyone’s angry and making charts trying to figure out how late they can schedule their classes so they can never stop drinking.

• Thanks AU, for not having enough Spanish classes at the 300-level and up! It rules. jkjkjkjk

• I take pride in my Farmville, my Happy Aqaurium and my Sexy City stats on Facebook.

• It wasn’t a mistake if it was for the [hook up] chart.

• Guapo’s again this Saturday? There IS a God and he appreciates random, regrettable hook ups and the strongest margaritas around. Brb, going back to church and praisin’ da lawd!

• I want to hold the characters in my arms and take pics with them forever.

• I hate SCCRS. They can’t even scissor correctly. If I’m going to get scissor-ed, I would like it to be enjoyable at least.

• I just want to drink and take pics and rule and never look back, unless referring to the pics.

• I’m tired of RA’s and RD’s cramping my style. Can I live?

• Dear Phonathon,
Let’s move away from parents and future donors and back to the good stuff, since I’ve since exhausted theeagleonline.com as source of entertainment.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Impossible.

• Halloween at Guapo’s was epic. I loved the amount of shame prevalent around campus on Sunday.

• Dear roommate:
You are mean and antisocial. Please get over yourself.
Your roommate.