Today’s trending topics — Intelligent guy/girl def hooking up, AU males are insulted by girls complaints and the secrets to success!
Today’s top rant —
My steps to success at AU:
1. Don’t attempt to do homework
2. Rant ridiculous shit instead
3. ?????
4. Profit
• It’s always the quiet ones who end up being sex maniacs :D
• I wish AU didn’t suck so much. I feel guilty for making my parents penniless for nothing.
• My best friend gave me, my roommate, my other friend and her roommate the swine. Thanks, bitch.
• I refuse to admit it in public, but gingers ARE HOT, especially in bed.
• Cute AU couple seeking third (female). If in relationship we are willing to trade. Cool, sex-positive people, please. Reply at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
• To the girl in our UC,
Can you please take a hint and find other friends. You know, people who actually care about how horny you are. Please stop taking stalker pictures of us and inviting yourself into our lives. Get up and get out, we need a breath of fresh air.
• Riding the Metro with drunk people is fun. Especially when they want to make out with everything in sight.
• Why do the gay boys on my floor get all the action?
• Attention fellow ladies, skintight black leggings are NOT a supplementary good for pants. They are a complementary good. I don’t care how skinny you are, it’s not okay.
• To the whiner in my physics class,
I keep coughing because I have bronchitis. I can’t help it. If I had swine, I’d just stay home for 3 days. I can’t stay home for a month until my bronchitis goes away. Jerk.
• Am I like still the only freshman staying off-campus? No ... seriously ... anybody else? holla back…
• Thomas Hobbes was such a fucking asshole…
• How white is AU? AU is so white, we have a white Othello!
• To the stranger who knocked on my door and gave me a cupcake: I basically love you.
• Dear Creepy Parking management guy:
Yes, that’s an AU parking sticker, stop trying to case my stuff in the backseat you creep.
• Intelligent girl with morals,
We do, but isn’t it a bit odd that we’re initiating a discussion via Eagle Rants? A bit hypocritical and as liberal as I am rather elitist, perhaps?
• Dear female population of AU,
You complain every fucking week about how bad the selection of guys is at AU. There’s something you should know: we all aren’t fuckin’ Prince Charmings with hot bods to sweep you off you feet. Set realistic standards. Stop complaining and start noticing us. Just because we aren’t tall, dark and handsome doesn’t mean that we won’t be great boyfriends.
• Why must they pave Viers Mill Road whenever it’s rush hour, and I have to get to class? Oh wait, you on-campus folks won’t have the slightest clue what I’m talking about. It probably doesn’t bother you that Mass. Ave. has one lane blocked every week and yet STILL hasn’t been repaved
• Is University Club really going to shut off the World Series to show Mission Improvable? You have the majority of the Tavern watching baseball, delay the start, it’s not a big deal.
• I get that you’re allowed to talk on the third floor of the library. You’re still not allowed to scream. Just sayin’.
• phonathon = love
don’t be haters
• Today I skipped my class and didn’t hand in a final paper proposal ... because I wanted to watch three hours of the Soap Opera Channel. The OC AND One Tree Hill?! Fantastic.
• I’m really sick of people ranting saying that they want to find intelligent people at this school. It’s so arrogant and I wish The Eagle would leave out those rants.
• Halloween at Guapo’s? Da LORD has answered muh prayerz!
• I think I’m the busiest student at AU busy trying to fit in my homework in between all the good parties and good pics.
• There is a serious lack of sexy males in the AUniverse.
• If you’re really AU’s busiest student, YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO WRITE A BLURB ABOUT WHY YOURE SO BUSY. Damn, I have barely enough time to Eagle Rant.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Apply for the honor at theeagleonline.com/busy
• Hey “real” frats, how about being nice for a change? Out of over 12 parties this semester, only Sammy and Zeta Psi helped me get back to campus without trying to ‘do’ me ... Ever tried that one before?
• Intelligent girl with morals,
What do you propose?
Intelligent guy with morals
• I am a senator and I want to apologize for how stupid we act sometimes ... erm ... all the time. Not all of us really believe the oversight and witch-hunts are actually productive. But if you have any concerns about what goes on around campus and want us to improve on it, we will be more than happy to listen.
• Dear Library,
I love the remodel and the added tables, but can we please get some extension cords or something?
• Why yes I do have a rant….or three….
1. Really? Are we that spoiled where two twin beds fitting in a room is “unacceptable” spoiled brats of the AU community?
2. They say if you clean a lot or chew ice you are sexually frustrated. I chew ice while I clean my apt.
3. I think society is going down the drain when we emphasize being skinny and not embracing your form. Plus, it’s making me look bad. Stop making thicker girls look bad. Please?
• Why is it that every single professor’s picture on the AU Web site looks terrible? Even Nate Harshman looks creepy and he’s adorable in person!
• Since when do professors think that a class average of 75 on a test is a good grade?! NEWSFLASH! That’s a C!
• I can’t decide if my favorite word is existential or bocadillo. Can my sandwich be existential in itself?
• Smart, well-rounded, attractive, fun girl and I am single. Please do inquire within.
• I am feeling relatively inadequate lately. I think I need to go drink myself into a coma.
• Rants, your pretty freakin’ awesome.
• Leonard 7 girls’ bathroom: still missing a good portion of its ceiling. Why doesn’t Housing and Dining/Facilities Management/our RA do something about it?!
21 Comments
Ryan
Nov 2 at 12:04 AM
Regarding the C average, I had a teacher in high school who was a former college professor and aimed for a C average on all the tests accordingly. We complained at first until she pointed out that the average was normally lower, and she was in fact helping us out.
Granted, AU isn’t nearly as dumb (on the whole) as my high school, but maybe it’s the same concept?
G.J. Casanova
Nov 2 at 1:42 AM
Dear smart, well-rounded, attractive, fun girl:
I’d like to answer your ad. Feel free to contact me for an interview
Yours truly,
Smart, well-rounded, attractive, fun single guy
Extra Extension Cords!
Nov 2 at 11:32 AM
The library DOES need some extra extension cords. How come they don’t put it on the individual study desks or on the floor. Even the PUBLIC libraries back home in New York has electrical plugs on the desks and there is never a moment where I’m like, oh, my laptop is running out of batteries and there’s no plugs so I guess I’ll watch it run out of batteries.
TBS
Nov 2 at 4:13 PM
zeta psi is NOT a frat.
L7
Nov 2 at 6:07 PM
Cat Baker is pretty much a god, as she has her rants published every single week
Cat Baker
Nov 2 at 7:53 PM
lol me, rant? never. but thanks, tiago.
Extention Cords
Nov 2 at 9:15 PM
I agree wholeheartedly with this rant. Library please get on this NOW!!
thanks!
M
Nov 2 at 9:29 PM
Dear Straight Male Population at AU,
Despite what you may think, the single ladies of AU arent looking for prince charming, they are looking for someone who showers and shaves on a daily basis. By some soap and watch the ladies fawn all over you.
J
Nov 2 at 11:19 PM
M,
I have empirical evidence which contradicts your assertion. It is known as my virginity.
Regards,
J
LC
Nov 3 at 2:59 AM
And why is Zeta Psi not a frat? Because they treat women with respect?
Juicy Campus loyalist
Nov 3 at 5:17 AM
love your rants, Cat Baker. never stop ruling *~*~* <3
IFC
Nov 3 at 1:01 PM
Zeta Psi is not recognized by the University as its National Organization decided to force itself onto campus rather than use the proper channels. The Fraternities that are a part of the National Inter Fraternal Council (NIFC)have agreed to not prevent any fraternity from colonizing on a campus. However, that fraternity must go through the colony process as TKE is going through now, and as did SigEp and PiKapp before them. Ultimately, every fraternity is different, and if you make the effort to meet brothers in the different organizations you will find that the commonly head stereotypes are patently false.
LC
Nov 3 at 2:42 PM
Give them time. None of the other fraternities were established in one semester either. What goal does it serve to push down a group of people who want to create a faction of a worthy organization?
IFC? Really?
Nov 3 at 4:12 PM
How can we “force” our way on campus? Last time I checked, we’re a colony according to our national organization and a legitimate interest group by AU’s standards. Also, I don’t ever remember anyone from Zeta Psi being rude to any other organizations. We’re more than willing to go through the colony process. Your argument is exactly the one I heard about TKE last year. “Forcing” onto campus is not only impossible, it also means nothing. We’ve been at this for two semesters and we’ll continue as long as we have to. Talk to us, there’s no “forcing” and as the poster above implies, there is certainly no disrespect.
Ben
Nov 3 at 4:29 PM
To all the girls who complain about the lack of straight men, please stop sleeping around so much. Considering the demographics at AU are heavily tilted towards women, there cannot be an adequate supply of penises available. Women outnumber men by a large margin. If each AU woman sleeps around with 2 guys, then the law of supply of demand limits the number of penises a woman can get.
AU does have a large gay population. However, the problem is that most AU women cannot close their legs. Girls, limit yourselves to one guy and the problem will be solved.
grimey
Nov 3 at 7:45 PM
Hey M,
Shaving every day is a huge pain in the ass. It takes about twenty minutes and I always cut myself. I think I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than have to shave everyday.
Any AU women who don’t care about things like “soap” and “unsightly stains”, please hit me up. I’ll afford you the same courtesy.
Cadmiumred
Nov 3 at 10:20 PM
Crazy people are fun people.
Reader
Nov 4 at 6:57 PM
Thanks for the bullet-points!!
straight girl
Nov 4 at 10:56 PM
Dear straight men at AU,
I believe you exist. I’d also like to think you use soap on a semi-regular basis but shaving daily is not necessary. Think about it, girls find shaving their legs to be a pain, why would they force their guys to always be clean shaven? Besides, scruff is generally pretty cute.
Well rounded
Nov 5 at 9:12 PM
gj
in the words of joey tribbiani….“how you doin’?”
Whack
Nov 7 at 4:42 PM
This shit is whack.
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